


Shifting Realities

by Ava_now



Series: The Barden Collection [4]
Category: Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Case Fic, F/M, Fluff and Smut, TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault/molestation discussion throughout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2020-04-24 12:21:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19173178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: When a new rape case is tied to Vanessa's past assault, she is forced to revisit a time in her life she'd much rather leave behind her.  Her account leads to more questions than answers, causing the people she loves and trusts--and who love and trust her--to begin to wonder what the truth is and how it can be proven, and causing Rafael to wonder if his wife is the woman he thought she was.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Part Four of Barden, roughly two years after 40 Weeks--
> 
> I wasn't sure I was going to continue with these two, but in the end I decided I wasn't finished with this story. This is very much a work in progress, including the title, so don't be surprised to see changes.
> 
> Thanks to you guys who are so faithful in reading and encouraging! Hope you enjoy.

“So...what have you got for me?”

 

Benson handed him the file.  “DNA report on the rape. We got his fingerprints all over the scene, as well as his semen, but you know he said he was invited in, he was a guest--”

 

“Yeah, I know.  We have it.” Barba flipped through his own file on the case at hand, shaking his head.  “I don’t know how you cause this kind of damage to a person and try to claim it’s consensual.  There’s just no way. She has a concussion, for God’s sake--”

 

“Oh,” Benson said, grinning in amusement, “you know the way that goes.  HE didn’t do it. He left and somebody else came in and assaulted her. My favorite other excuse over the years has to be rough sex.”

 

His eyebrows raised.  “Rough sex? That ended in a concussion?  What in the hell were they doing?”

 

She rolled her eyes.  “The times I’ve heard it, it’s either from hitting the headboard or the wall.  And these guys NEVER realize their partner is injured, and the injury almost ALWAYS has caused a supposed problem with the vic’s memory.”

 

Barba snorted.  “Unbelievable.” He dropped one file on top of the other.  “So anything to prove or disprove his statement? Other DNA?  Has the victim’s statement changed?”

 

Benson shook her head.  “No. But we do have this.”  And she handed him a second DNA report, then crossed her arms, looking smug.

 

“What’s this?”  He scanned the report, then looked at her and his mouth broke into a crooked grin.  “Son of a bitch left DNA at another crime scene? Another rape?”

 

“Yep,” she confirmed.  “He has quite a history.  He was a witness for a rape eight years ago.  I’m having the case pulled as we speak. Apparently he reportedly had sex with the victim at some point before the supposed crime.  What do you want to bet she couldn’t confirm or deny?”

 

“Due to head trauma?” he answered sarcastically.  Hmm.” Barba tapped his pen on his desk. “I’m interested in seeing what case this is connected to.  You don’t happen to remember the case in question, do you?”

 

She shook her head.  “I was in and out a lot around that time...I told you before, his name sounds familiar but I can’t place him.  If he was a witness in a case that I had limited involvement in, that would be why.”

 

He nodded. “When should you have that case file?”

 

“Right now.”  Tutuola rarely darkened Barba’s doorway, but this time he stood stiffly one yard inside it, leather jacket still on and file in hand, face looking as guarded as his posture.

 

“Wow,” Benson responded, stepping toward her sergeant, “you brought it over already?  I figured I’d just either call or have a uni run it over later.”

 

Fin held the file in both hands and met Benson’s eyes.  “You don’t want this delivered by a uni,” he said before closing the door behind him.  “I don’t know what you’re gonna want to do with this, but I thought it might be best coming from me.”

 

Benson’s expression had changed from curious to suspicious.  She knew her sergeant well enough to know his behavior warranted concern.  With a rare look of sympathy splashed on his face, Fin handed the file to Barba.  “Counselor, I’m sorry.”

 

Barba felt a mix of confusion and annoyance as he took the file quickly from Fin’s hands and flipped it open.  He skimmed the index of the file, looking for the witness statement, then flipped seven pages back. Their current suspect had claimed he had been on a date with the woman eight years ago.  “Okay, here it is,” he read quickly aloud, “Witness says he was on a date with the victim...went back to her place, blah blah blah...had sexual intercourse--” he raised an eyebrow to Benson, “says he saw a man approximately six feet tall, brown hair, green jacket, in the hallway of the apartment on his way out, meeting the description of Eric Shaw--”

 

Tutuola cleared his throat and Barba glanced up, in time to see Liv’s eyes close for more than a blink, as though she were in recognition of the name, or remembrance of a memory.

 

“Barba,” Fin said as gently as he could, “the name of the victim.”

 

Feeling his heart beating faster and sudden anxiety filling him, he flipped to the front of the file, quickly reviewing the basic information--date, time, place.  Victim’s name.

 

Vanessa Rayden.

 

**********************************

“I don’t understand.”  

 

He was pacing the floor in his office, jacket off and tie loosened, arms crossed in front of him.  Liv watched him as he started yet another lap between the fireplace and his desk. “I mean, it’s not like we’ve talked in detail about it.  I don’t question her. I never wanted her to feel like she had to provide answers to me or owed me anything like that. And of course, over the years, she’s told me bits and pieces.  But what she’s told me doesn’t match up to the story in that file.”

 

Liv’s hands were on her knees and she leaned forward.  “Rafael,” she said calmly, “why don’t you sit down?”

 

His eyes quickly moved to hers, and slowly he sank into a chair across from her at the conference table.  “Liv,” he said heavily, “this is my wife. Until fifteen minutes ago, I would have told you I knew more about her than anyone else did.”

 

“Rafa,” she said calmly, “you know victims hide things.  You know there’s a million reasons why. Maybe she wanted to keep some of the story to herself.  Maybe she honestly doesn’t remember, or her memory has changed. She was concussed. You know how those things can go.  Look...Rafa…” Leaning across the table toward him, she lay a hand on his forearm. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t go at this thinking she hasn’t been honest.  I worked this case and I barely remember Ryan Hurst. He just wasn’t on our radar...and maybe he wasn’t on hers, either.”

 

“Come on, Liv.”  She could hear the cynicism loud and clear in his voice this time.  “She may have had a concussion, but surely she remembers if she was alone in the apartment, like she told me, or if she was on a date and came back and had sex.  If she was raped by a second man, one she knew, or just the serial. And she told me she had been undercover--”

 

“She had.”  Liv stood and approached his desk, picking up the file in question, thumbing through it.  She skimmed the page and nodded. “Yes. She’d just come off of a five-week undercover assignment trying to bust a dot com guy they liked for a string of serial rapes.  Eric Shaw. They hadn’t been able to get him and had pulled her out.” She closed the file again, hesitated, then lay it on the table in front of him. “Maybe you should just read it...her statement, the witness statements.  So you know. So you don’t have the same questions running around in your head, and maybe you can see her perspective through it. You know we’re going to have to re-interview her now for this case.” She sat back down next to him.  “Then again, if her case does intersect with this one, you’ll have to recuse asap, won’t you?”

 

He was holding the file in his hand now, but his mind was a million miles away.  He loved this woman, had built a life with her. Trusted her with his soul. He’d never expected her to divulge more than she was comfortable with, but he had always assumed whatever she had told him was the truth.  Now this? 

 

Realizing Liv was staring at him, he refocused.  “Uh, yeah,” he answered her. “I’ll have to recuse in the morning.”

 

Liv nodded.  “Rafa,” she said more gently, “just make sure you give both of you some time to process this.  You just don’t know where she is with it. Even if you read her statement from then, you don’t know if it’s accurate for now.”

 

His eyes flitted across her face once more, reading the sincerity in her expression, and he felt his mouth pull into a slight smile.  “Thank you,” he told her, “and thank Fin for being so protective with this information.”

 

She nodded.  “You’re family.  Whatever happens with this, we want to do right by all of you.”

 

******************************************

It was almost nine when he finally made it home, file tucked in his briefcase, but still unread.

 

“PAPI!” He heard the screech of his daughter’s voice tearing through the den as he shut the door, and heard the patter of her bare feet just seconds before brown curls and green eyes threw themselves around his legs.

 

“Hey there, mija,” he tried to chuckle, scooping her up.  Regardless of the day, Lucy’s demeanor nearly always brought a smile to his face.  “Somebody just finished her bath.”

 

“Uh-uh, Papi,” she corrected, “I taked my baf a wong time ago! Now we wead a story.”

 

“Lucy.”  He heard the patient voice of his wife.  She was standing in the hallway in her yoga pants and tee shirt, arms crossed, smiling.  “Give Papi his kiss and then let’s get in bed.”

 

“But Momma,” she whined and wrapped her arms around his neck, “I miss him!”

 

He turned and gave the little girl a kiss on her cheek.  “Do as Mami says, and I’ll come give you one more kiss after your story, Lucy.”  He set her down and watched as she dramatically drug her feet back to her mother.  Vanessa winked at him before taking their daughter by the hand and tucking her into bed.

 

He sighed quietly before divesting himself of his shoes, jacket, and tie, and tucking his briefcase away for the night.  He found his dinner wrapped up in the refrigerator and stuck it unceremoniously in the microwave as he leaned against the counter.  He had no idea how to approach this with her. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, or sound as though he had any doubts in what she had told him, but the prosecutor in him was already formulating questions.

 

She found him at the kitchen table a few minutes later, partway into a bowl of stew.  “Hey,” she murmured, smiling at him and wrapping her arms around his neck. “Sissy wasn’t the only one who missed you today,  _ Papi. _ ”

 

He smiled at that.  He couldn’t help it--much as he automatically responded with a more pleasant disposition to his daughter, he couldn’t help the wave of affection that flooded his body whenever his wife touched him.  For as long as they had been together, he had found it easy to respond to her, and she to him. Sure, they’d had a few more difficult times where life got in the way, but overall, they were happy. And one thing he felt for certain--he loved Vanessa more today than ever.  He slid his chair back from the table and patted his lap.

 

She rounded the chair and found her way onto his thighs and kissed him.  “I love you, baby,” she murmured, just like she did most every night. He tried not to get used to it so he didn’t take it for granted.

 

He kissed her back gently.  “Te amo, Nessie. I missed you too, honey.” 

 

He had meant to cover it, but she knew him too well.  She was already pulling back, taking a closer look at his expression.  “What’s wrong, Rafael?” He could tell from her tone she was concerned, and had read him with pretty much 100% accuracy, as usual.

 

They didn’t keep secrets.  It didn’t work for them.

 

He sighed.  “We need to talk.  It’s about a case we’re working. The one we got last month...pretty par for the course…”

 

She nodded and looked as though she were combing through her memory.  “Yeah, I think Liv mentioned it...wasn’t the victim mid-thirties? She said it was pretty typical.  I’m just not there very much any more, and I’ve been so focused on the Atmyer case…”

 

“Right.”  He picked up his glass and took a drink, not sure if he was really thirsty or just stalling for time.

 

After Lucy was born, Vanessa had stayed home for over a year.  They all needed the break and the adjustment period. But as her baby grew, Vanessa found herself missing her work and after a lot of discussion, she decided to return to the bureau as a consultant.  Whitmeyer kept her on at SVU, but her focus had become primarily one of working on cases involving child and family abuse. Her cases rarely touched Rafael’s, and that had worked well for everyone. He had eventually been able to move back to SVU, swapping positions with Stone, who was more than happy to return to homicide.  Now, with Lucy a little over two, their work/life balance was better than it ever had been, and it was easier to share experiences without muddling one another’s cases.

 

Until now.

 

He set his glass down on the table and met her eyes.  “Do you remember a man named 

Ryan Hurst?”

 

“Yeah, sure.  I went to school with him.  I think he actually ended up in private practice, but he was at the bureau for a really short period of time.  I haven’t seen him in,” she tilted her head and exhaled, “oh, forever. Why?”

 

He watched her carefully, and tried to soften his features.  “Bebita,” he said gently, “I need you to think hard about the last time you saw him.”  His eyes continued to hold hers, even when he felt her withdraw her arms from around him and cross them over her chest as she stood from his lap and moved to the chair next to him.

 

“Maybe I should be asking you why we’re having this conversation,” she responded quietly.

 

He sighed, then leaned toward her, resting a hand on her forearm.  No matter what, he needed her to know he loved her. “He’s a suspect in our current case.  When they ran DNA through the system, his was referenced as an exclusion from your case.”

 

“He didn’t rape me,” she said, shaking her head.  “I never told you about that because it wasn’t relevant.  Besides, it’s not like you and I have ever sat down and hashed out everyone we’ve ever slept with.  That night shouldn’t have happened, in a million ways, but yeah. We’d been out to an early dinner, came back to my place, had very unmemorable sex, and he left.  I cleaned up, went back to change for bed, and Eric Shaw was in my closet. I don’t know what may or may not be going on in your current case, but Ryan never raped me.”

 

He had more questions than answers, but now wasn’t the time.

 

“Okay.”  He squeezed her forearm.  “They’re going to want to re-interview you just to see if you remember anything differently from back then.  Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to pry…”

 

She shook her head.  “No, it’s all right. I understand.  Just doing your job.” She exhaled and he swore he could hear the shakiness in her breath.  “I’m going to grab a shower and let you finish dinner, okay?” She smiled and squeezed his shoulder, then left the kitchen.

 

He stared at the stew in the bowl, no appetite whatsoever, and struggled with the impulse to comfort her the way he always did.

 

*************************************

She turned the water as hot as she could stand it, and after several moments, sunk down onto the shower floor and tried to let the water do its job.  Warm her, cleanse her. Purify her.

 

She knew it wouldn’t though.  It hadn’t worked then, and it wouldn’t work now.

 

She covered her eyes with her hands, knowing the silent sobs would eventually dissipate and let her move on with her night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things had been tense, to say the least, since their conversation on Thursday night about her assault. Liv had called her on Friday to set up a time the following week for another interview, which she had begrudgingly agreed to. Part of her was tempted to refuse to cooperate. Why should she? Her case was over and done with, and all this new case was going to do was stir up a lot of awful memories. Granted, she didn’t have much history with Ryan Hurst either way, but he had always been pleasant and kind to her, and she was pretty sure he wasn’t a rapist, no matter what Liv or Rafael thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are so appreciated!

Vanessa held on to the tail of the monkey backpack her daughter was wearing as Lucy bounded down the hallway to Lucia’s apartment and knocked on the door.  “Lucy, mija,” Rafael called her, catching up to them, “don’t pull Mami.”

 

His wife tossed a glance over her shoulder at him and forced a smile.  “I’m fine.”

 

Things had been tense, to say the least, since their conversation on Thursday night about her assault.  Liv had called her on Friday to set up a time the following week for another interview, which she had begrudgingly agreed to.  Part of her was tempted to refuse to cooperate. Why should she? Her case was over and done with, and all this new case was going to do was stir up a lot of awful memories.  Granted, she didn’t have much history with Ryan Hurst either way, but he had always been pleasant and kind to her, and she was pretty sure he wasn’t a rapist, no matter what Liv or Rafael thought.

 

Lucia opened the door, huge smile on her face.  “My ninita!” she cried joyfully, scooping Lucy up in her arms.  Vanessa dropped the monkey tail and Lucy squeezed her abuelita in a tight hug.

 

“I here, Abbee!” Lucy told her, cupping her face.  “We make tookies today?”

 

“Of course we will make cookies!” Lucia told her, ushering them all in to the apartment.  “But you must save some for Max when he comes home tomorrow from his Papi’s.”

 

“He no have a Papi, Abbee.  He has a Daddy.” Lucy climbed out of Lucia’s arms and took off her backpack.  “I has a Papi and Max has a Daddy. Wight, Momma?”

 

Rafael scooped up Lucy’s backpack, jacket, and overnight bag to take to his mother’s guest room while Vanessa answered, “Actually, Max has a Daddy and a Papi.  Your Papi is Max’s Papi too.”

 

“Oh. Otay.”  Lucy lay down on the floor, peering under Lucia’s couch, her little bottom in the air.  “Abbee, where’s Dinah? I wanna see Dinah. I pet her!”

 

“Lucy,” Rafael interrupted, “remember to be nice to Dinah.  She’s an old kitty cat.”

 

Lucia waved her hand at him.  “She’s fine, mijo. We’ll have a good time, like always.”  She bent down and tickled Lucy in the side, and the little girl giggled.  “And we’ll pet Dinah in a little bit, okay, ninita?”

 

“You spoil her, Mami,” he scolded, but the crinkle lines by his eyes told her he really didn’t mind.

 

Vanessa tugged his arm.  “You ready? The movie starts soon.”

 

“Have fun, you two,” Lucia told them as Vanessa turned around to give her daughter a hug.  Rafael followed behind, quickly hugging and kissing Lucy, then heading toward the door.

 

“Yeah, have fun you two!” Lucy echoed her abuelita’s words, waving toward the door but already digging through the toybox.

 

They closed the apartment door, and Rafael sighed.  “I’m so glad she misses us,” he said sarcastically, and Vanessa snickered.  They had been leaving both kids with Lucia every Saturday night since Lucy was six months old, when Rafael had gone back to work and they found their time alone severely lacking.  Lucia had made the suggestion, and it took very little time for them to decide it was a good one. So on Saturdays at four, kids went to abuelita’s and adults had a standing date night.  Lucia made cookies, watched movies, and took them to church on Sunday mornings. Rafael had not been pleased about the church attendance, and it had taken a bit of persuasion on Vanessa’s part that attending church once a week with their grandmother wouldn’t be traumatic.  After a little arguing and a lot of discussion, Rafael had relented and agreed that it would be all right as long as his mother stayed at the church she was currently at and kept them apprised of what the children were exposed to. To be honest, it had been a selfish decision for both he and Vanessa.  They didn’t want to give up their time together.

 

They took turns deciding what they would do.  Rafael tended to opt for more impressive venues and activities; in the last six months they’d seen several on- and off-Broadway productions, gone to the opera, visited a few museums, and attended a handful of concerts.  Vanessa preferred simpler things, such as movies, coffee, or even a walk in the park. Occasionally they’d go for a run together, and once she even persuaded him to kickbox with her. Often they’d stop at a new restaurant or visit a new store, just for variety.  And once they got home, it was time for one another. Sex had always been special in their relationship, and the one time each week they made time for it was on Saturdays. Despite it being part of their routine, it was never boring or predictable. Rafael was passionate and Vanessa was curious, and together they kept things interesting.

 

Once a month they dedicated the entire twenty-four hours to intimacy--to being alone together, at home, doing whatever they pleased.  That usually meant a lot of sex and even more talking, sharing, and holding one another. They both enjoyed those Saturdays, and were strongly committed to maintaining those on their schedule.  The last Saturday of every month was their home Saturday. That would be today, so Rafael had been surprised when Vanessa had suggested they catch a movie after dropping off Lucy.

 

She had been avoiding any kind of conversation with him since Thursday night.  When she had gotten out of the shower, she had climbed into bed and immediately gone to sleep, or at least pretended she was asleep.  Since then, she had either been out of the house or busy with Lucy. When he had tried to corner her for any kind of conversation Friday evening, she had told him she was exhausted and could they please talk tomorrow, since they’d have an entire day with no interruptions?

 

That was before she proposed the movie.

 

And now they were walking to the movie theater to see a movie he had no desire in watching, just so his wife could continue to avoid having to talk to him about her assault.  Not that he didn’t understand. In the last forty eight hours he had thought half a dozen times about how he would respond if she had confronted him about more details regarding the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father.  He knew he would react much as she had, sharing what was forced out of him and then changing the subject. But they weren’t talking about him, or his father, or something that wasn’t relevant to an ongoing case of another victim.

 

They had arrived at the theater, and she was walking toward the entry doors when she realized he wasn’t with her.  She turned around and he was staring at the marquee above them, not moving forward.

 

“Hey,” she said, taking a step toward him, “you ready?”

 

His eyes met hers and he shook his head.  “Not really. I don’t want to see this.”

 

She shrugged.  “Okay. What do you want to see?”

 

“Nothing.  I want to go home.  It’s a home Saturday.”

 

He watched her cross her arms in front of her, as if she was setting up physical defenses.  “Rafael,” she said quietly, stepping closer toward him, “I don’t want to talk about this.”

 

Now he shrugged at her.  “Then we won’t talk about it, Vanessa.  I don’t want to go home to talk about it.  I want to go home to spend time with my wife.  We can talk about whatever you want to talk about.”

 

She raised one eyebrow, and he swore she had learned that trick from him.  “Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.  I’m positive.  I’d rather watch Diners Drive-Ins and Dives than this movie.”

 

She snorted, then glanced back at the marquee.  “Fine, but you’re buying me italian takeout. Whatever I want, and we’re NOT watching Guy Fieri in anything.”  He nodded and clasped her hand in his. “It’s not supposed to be that bad of a movie, you know.”

 

“Still not as good as a home Saturday.”

 

She didn’t argue.

 

**********************************************

He was moving over her slowly, teasing her again, letting her get within a hair’s width of her orgasm before snatching it back.

 

“Jesus,” she moaned as he stilled inside her.  “Please, Rafa...I just want to come.”

 

He kissed her open mouth, licking her tongue with his own.  “That’s my girl. Ask nicely and I’ll give you whatever you want.  You know I will.” He suddenly thrust deeply inside of her again, and her hips involuntarily hiked up, responding to his.  “Yes, baby. Like that.”

 

When they had gotten home, part of her had considered refusing this, afraid he really would find a way to push the issue and insist she open up more to him.  But when they settled down on the couch and he put on the old movie Trading Places, she realized he was going to be the same as he always was--honest and respectful of her limits.  She had drawn a line in the sand and, like always, Rafael had respected where it was, and hadn’t tried to step over it.

 

She had curled against him then, and five minutes later they were making out, and ten minutes after that they were in bed, naked, and taking their time enjoying one another like they always did.  The only thing that had been slightly different was when he had slid into her and she wrapped her legs around him. He had kissed her deeply like he usually did, then pulled back. “Nessie,” he had whispered, stroking her face, “you can still trust me, okay?”

 

And she had, because he had never shown himself to be untrustworthy.  Even in the face of her withholding information from him. Even when she feared he thought that she had lied.

 

It was good.  It was always good, the way they teased and played and encouraged each other.  It had taken only a few minutes for her to know he intended to play; he had brought her close within moments then pulled out.  And she had told him, “I hate it when you do this. You just like to torture me.”

 

And he had winked and corrected, “Tease, sweetheart.  I like to tease you. You know it’s a better orgasm in the end for you, anyway.”  She knew he was right, and he knew he was right, but still.

 

He must have wanted it to be unforgettable tonight, because he had brought her to within an inch of losing her sanity, and now he finally was giving her what she wanted, what she loved--deep, firm, quick thrusts as he kissed and sucked her neck, her ear, her face, and murmured to her how good she felt, how delicious she was, how much he loved sharing this with her.  How lucky they were to have this together--the love, the trust, the pleasure, all of it. At last his fingers slipped between them and circled her clit, and she felt her whole body arch as she cried out.

 

“Come, baby,” he encouraged, keeping his rhythm, “God, that’s so fucking hot, so good...you’re so gorgeous...Jesus, Ness, I’m gonna…”  And his thrusts were suddenly quick and erratic, and then he was stilling deep inside her as he moaned.

 

She loved knowing he still found her sexy, loved knowing he still craved sex with her like this.  That he wasn’t screwing around behind her back because she somehow couldn’t satisfy him or he didn’t respect her.  If she was doing anything right in life, she was pretty sure it would have to do with sexually satisfying her husband.  He always made a point of telling her how good she felt, how amazing she was, how sexy and beautiful he found her to be, both inside and out.  And she told him the same. She’d never been more attracted to another man in her life. She had felt that way since their first time together, and nothing had changed.  And during weeks like this last one, when she had questioned her own self-worth, it felt like a pretty damn good highlight.

 

He had pulled out and was holding her.  She rested her head on his chest and stroked the wiry hair there.  It often calmed her, to stroke his chest. Something about the feel of his hair and his skin and his heartbeat beneath her fingers.  How alive he was, they both were.

 

“You’re a man of your word, Rafa,” she murmured now, pressing a kiss to one of his nipples.  “You didn’t bring it up at all.”

 

His fingers were toying with her hair, wrapping it gently around one finger at a time.  “Well,” he replied, “work is for work and home is for home. I shouldn’t have brought it up with you on Thursday...it just...I just…” he paused, then sighed.  “I was having trouble letting go of it.”

 

“Because I lied to you.”  It wasn’t a question. It was a confession.

 

“You didn’t lie,” he corrected, “you just omitted some things you didn’t feel were necessary.”

 

“A lie by omission is still a lie.”

 

He pressed his nose to her hair and breathed in.  She smelled like lavender and sex. “Maybe.” His hand brushed her hair off her shoulder.  “I thought we weren’t talking about this.”

 

“We weren’t...I just don’t want you to be mad at me.”  He heard her voice hitch, and she was quiet for a moment.  “I should have told you everything from the beginning.”

 

“Ness.”  He pulled himself up part way to look at her, and she lifted her head, resting her chin on his stomach.  “I’m not mad. This is your story. You don’t owe anybody anything. You tell what you want, when you want.”  He closed his eyes and exhaled. “As your husband, I completely support that a hundred percent. As an ADA in sex crimes, I can’t believe I just said that to a victim.”

 

She pulled her body up next to his, then took his hand in hers.  “Can I tell you something? I don’t want to be a victim, or a witness, or anything else.  I just want to be your wife. That’s what I’m here for and what I signed up for. Is that okay?  I think we both know I’m a better wife and partner than victim or witness anyway.”

 

His mouth curved into the smile she loved so much, and he nodded.  “Agreed. In this space, we’re just you and me...partner and partner, wife and husband, Nessa and Rafi.”  He leaned over and kissed her again. “I love you with my whole heart, querida.”

 

She smiled back at him.  “Ditto, handsome.” She kissed his hand in hers.  “Now, can we order that Italian food?”

 

***************************************************

“Hey Liv,” Fin greeted as he entered her office.  “You shouldn’t be here on a Sunday evening. Nothing pressing to attend to.”

 

She smiled and exhaled.  “I wish. Just reviewing some things for Rayden’s interview tomorrow.”

 

He took a seat across from her, sitting quietly for a moment.  “So you’ve found inconsistencies,” he finally said, and Benson knew he had seen them too.

 

“A few,” she admitted, “but you know as well as I do that victim memory changes over time.  That happens even without head trauma, and Rayden had a concussion…”

 

He nodded, staring at the back of a picture frame on her desk.  “You know I have nothing but the highest respect for Vanessa and the work she’s done.  What she’s been through. Nobody deserves the shit she’s put up with...but Liv, she’s got to give an honest statement.”

 

Liv crossed her arms on top of the files on her desk.  “I know. That’s my concern.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But today she was alone, and he knew instinctively she was nervous about her interview with Liv. She had been anxious ever since he’d questioned her last Thursday, and her anxiety had been growing over the weekend. When he had asked her about it, she had just said she really didn’t want to dredge all the memories up again and was dreading the upcoming meeting. At three in the morning, he had been awakened from a sound sleep by a sharp, desperate cry. It took him a few seconds to realize it was coming from her, and she was still asleep. She had begun to thrash in the bed, and when he turned the light on to the lowest setting, he could see her face streaked with tears. Despite his effort to wake her up without scaring her further, she bolted upright at his touch, gasping for air. “You’re okay,” he had murmured softly in her ear as she collapsed against him in sobs. “You’re okay, baby. I’m right here. It’s over.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to include a trigger warning here--this fic is going to contain descriptions of sexual assault and violence throughout, including this chapter.
> 
> A super appreciative shout out to Natalie for the beta! I'm so grateful!

Rafael was working at his desk when Vanessa opened the door.  “Knock knock,” she said, smiling, and he smiled warmly back at her.

 

“Good afternoon.”  He rose from his desk and walked around it to greet her with a light kiss and a hug.  “You’re a sight for sore eyes. I’m always happy when I get a visit from you.”

 

“Hmm.”  She handed him a bag.  “I brought you some cookies.”

 

He grinned now as he took the bag from her and opened it.  His mother always sent home a bag of fresh cookies on Sundays with the kids, and this week had been no exception.  Vanessa knew his mid-afternoon snack slump and often would stop by with a treat for him on days he was working in his office.  Lucy and Max usually came with her. The short twenty minutes or so they would spend in his office for snack time often gave him the energy he needed to finish his day, in more ways than one.

 

But today she was alone, and he knew instinctively she was nervous about her interview with Liv.  She had been anxious ever since he’d questioned her last Thursday, and her anxiety had been growing over the weekend.  When he had asked her about it, she had just said she really didn’t want to dredge all the memories up again and was dreading the upcoming meeting.  At three in the morning, he had been awakened from a sound sleep by a sharp, desperate cry. It took him a few seconds to realize it was coming from her, and she was still asleep.  She had begun to thrash in the bed, and when he turned the light on to the lowest setting, he could see her face streaked with tears. Despite his effort to wake her up without scaring her further, she  bolted upright at his touch, gasping for air. “You’re okay,” he had murmured softly in her ear as she collapsed against him in sobs. “You’re okay, baby. I’m right here. It’s over.”

 

Now she took a seat on his couch and he meandered over to her, offering the bag.  She shook her head, and he sat down, his thigh touching hers. Carefully he broke off a small piece of the cookie.  “Come on, just a bite,” he cajoled, and so she opened her mouth to take it.

 

He wrapped his arm around her.  “How are you doing?” he asked as she chewed, gently rubbing her back.

 

She swallowed.  “I’ll survive. I just don’t want to do this, that’s all.  The only reason I’m here at all is because of your victim.”

 

He shook his head.  “She’s not my victim anymore.  I recused myself on Friday. But they really do need anything you can give them, honey.  It’s not a strong case yet.”

 

“Well, maybe that’s because Ryan isn’t a rapist,” she responded bluntly.  Crossing her arms in front of her, she added, “I think I’d know.”

 

He put the bag down on the coffee table, then placed a hand on her thigh.  “Do you want to talk about this? Maybe tonight, at home?”

 

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly.  

 

“What can I do to help right now?”

 

She looked at him, and he could see the pain in her eyes.  “Tell me I don’t need to do this...tell me I can and should go home.”

 

He felt heartache shoot through him and pulled her close, kissing her forehead.  “You’re going to be okay, Nessie. I promise.”

 

********************************************

“Come on in and have a seat,” Liv greeted her, leading her into the conference room.  Carisi was already seated at the table, and he looked up and smiled sympathetically. “You know we do these interviews in pairs, typically,” Liv reminded her.  “Carisi is going to sit in, if that’s all right.”

 

_ Sure, _ she thought.   _ The more the merrier.  Bring in the whole squad--they’ve all probably read the file by now anyway. _

 

Instead, she sat down across from Carisi and nodded at him.  “Ask away. Let’s get this done.”

 

Carisi cleared his throat.  “Okay. We mostly have some questions regarding your relationship with Ryan Hurst.  Can you tell us how you knew Ryan?”

 

“I met him in  my initial training at Quantico.  He was training for the same position too--we both were aiming to start as undercover agents in behavioral analysis.  We met, I guess, about ten years ago?”

 

“We knew he had trained at Quantico but have no information about him ever obtaining employment with the FBI.  Do you know what happened with that?”

 

“Yeah,” she replied, “he dropped out.  He didn’t make the first cut into behavioral analysis, so he quit.  I know he was disappointed at first, but then he went on and established himself in private practice as a psychologist.  To the best of my knowledge, he’s done well with that.”

 

“So how did you end up with him on the night you were assaulted?” Liv asked.

 

Vanessa sat back in her chair.  “Um, well, we had stayed in contact as friends after he dropped out.  He had moved to the city and I was assigned here as well, so we kind of had that in common.  We only had a casual friendship...saw each other every couple of months, I guess.”

 

“Was it a romantic relationship?”

 

She knew this was coming.  She had debated with herself for days on how open she had wanted to be about this, and kept coming back to the answer of  _ not very. _  “I wouldn’t call it romantic,” she said slowly.  “We weren’t really dating. We didn’t see each other enough for that.”

 

Liv was biting her lip, trying to decide how much to push, when Carisi stepped in.  “Were you intimate with him? We know you were the night of the assault, but had you been prior to that?”

 

“Yes,” she admitted, “though I don’t know what that has to do with anything.”

 

“Vanessa,” Liv found her voice.  “Was he ever inappropriate with you?  Do anything you didn’t want him to?”

 

She shook her head.  “No. Nothing like that happened.”

 

“His most recent victim told us he liked to experiment with bondage, submission and domination.”  Carisi’s eyes were focused solely on hers, and his voice was eerily calm. “Did anything like that ever enter into your relationship with him?”

 

She crossed her arms.  “I don’t know what Ryan’s interest in stuff like that has to do with my case.”

 

“Nobody here is trying to embarrass you or pry unnecessarily, Ness.  You know us better than that.” Liv leaned forward, over the table. “Why don’t we back up and talk about your date with Ryan that night?”

 

“I don’t want to do this,” she muttered, feeling her eyes tear up.  “I really don’t.”

 

Liv put a hand over one of hers.  “I know you don’t, and I’m so sorry we have to ask these questions, but your answers may help this victim get justice.  Can you try for her?”

 

Sighing, Vanessa asked, “What do you want to know?”

 

Carisi shot Benson a glance, then said, “Just start at the beginning of the evening and go from there, okay?”

 

She took a deep breath.  “We agreed to meet for drinks at a place down the street from my apartment.  I got there a little after six and he was already there. We had several drinks and then went back to my apartment.”

 

“How many drinks?  Do you remember?”

 

“Several.  I don’t remember the exact number.  I was pretty drunk though, and I think he was too.”

 

“Had he been to your apartment before?”

 

“Yeah, on several occasions.  He even house sat for me a couple months before when I had to go to Quantico for extended training.  He watered my plants and took in the mail.”

 

“So you trusted him.”

 

“Yes, of course I did,” she said tersely.  “I wouldn’t have had sex with him if I didn’t trust him.  I’m not a complete idiot.”

 

Liv shook her head.  “Nobody thinks you’re an idiot.  Do you remember how long he stayed and about what time he left?”

 

“Huh.  Um, I think he was there for an hour or two.  He was gone by ten, because I watched some TV before the news.”

 

“Okay,” Carisi said.  “How long had he been gone before you went back to the bedroom?”

 

“I don’t know...maybe an hour or two?  I remember still feeling really drunk, and I was surprised the feeling had held on so long--”

 

The sudden realization hit her like a ton of bricks, and she closed her eyes and sat still.  Slowly, she said, “He drugged me, didn’t he?”

 

Liv’s expression was one of sympathy, and it made Vanessa want to slap her.  “It’s very possible he did. He roofied his other victim. We’re not sure if he gave you anything or what it would have been.  It’s unlikely that it was rohypnal, because you do have a fairly clear memory of what happened. But you’re right, it’s also unlikely that you would have still been feeling drunk five hours after you left the bar.”

 

“Did he do or try anything sexually that was new or something you would normally object to? Carisi asked.  “Do you remember anything more?”

 

She was staring at a spot on the wall just above his head.  “He bit me. Hard, on the breast. I have a scar.”

 

“Vanessa,” Liv said quietly, “why did you say Eric Shaw did that?”

 

Ashamed, her eyes filled with tears.  “Because I didn’t want anyone to know I’d ever engaged in anything where something like that could happen.”  Her voice was getting more agitated, louder, and she suddenly asked, “Why? Did he bite this woman too?”

 

“Yeah,” Carisi answered.  “On the breast.”

 

She gasped out a sob and covered her face.  She could feel her body shaking, but for some reason, covering her face gave her the false sense that nobody could see her breaking down.  “I know he didn’t rape me though,” she said desperately, if only to herself. “I know that was Eric Shaw. I know it, Liv. I saw his face, I heard his voice, he was there for hours assaulting me.”

 

“Ness, is it possible that he knew Eric Shaw?”

 

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.  “I don’t know. I don’t know how he would. Why, you think they worked together?”

 

“We don’t know.”  Sonny handed her a box of tissues.  “We’re looking at all the possibilities.”

 

Shakily, she nodded.  “Can we stop for now? I just...I need a break.”

 

Liv nodded.  “Of course. Do you need a ride home?  Do you want me to call Rafael?”

 

“No,” she said more firmly than she felt.  “I can take care of myself.” She suddenly snorted, choking back another sob.  “Yeah, right.”

 

After Vanessa left, Carisi followed Benson back to her office.  “You think he did it, huh?”

 

Benson sank into her chair.  “I think at the very least, he had a hand in it.  The cases are too similar.” Nodding toward the door, she added, “And I think it’s just occurring to Vanessa, as well.”

 

“Liv,” Sonny said quietly, “do you think his involvement in B&D had a role in this?  I mean, clearly that’s part of the reason that she’s held back on some of the information.”  He shook his head. “Do you think Barba knows?”

 

Benson shook her head.  “I have no idea, but I’m just thanking God right now that he’s recused himself.  If he doesn’t know, I’m pretty sure it would upset him. The idea of somebody hurting your spouse like that…” She shook her head again.  “She’s clearly ashamed of it. That’s going to make our job a lot harder.”

 

*******************************************

“Okay, here we are.”  Rafael set down a tray with soup and crackers over her lap.  “Are you sure you don’t want anything more substantial?”

She shook her head.  “I can’t.” 

 

She had called him after the interview to ask him to pick up the kids, and he had quickly rearranged his schedule.  When he got home, she was in bed, and hadn’t left their room all evening. 

 

“Okay,” he replied, sitting down on the bed next to her.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“I can’t right now,” she told him, her voice breaking.  “I’m so sorry, Rafa. I’m so sorry. I can’t.” 

 

He quickly wrapped her in his arms and began to rock her.  “I don’t know what it is that you’re sorry about, but you don’t need to be.  You did an incredibly hard thing today, and I’m so proud of you, querida. I know how anxious you were, and I hate that you’re going through this.”

 

“Tell me you love me,” she begged.  “Please tell me you’ll love me no matter what.”

 

He pulled back from her.  “Of course I will, Nessie.  I love you more than anything in this world.  No matter what it was or is now, you’re my everything.  We’re going to be okay, baby. I promise.”

 

She pressed her face against his chest until the only thing she could smell was his scent, warm and clean and slightly musky, “I love you,” she murmured back, wrapping her arms around his body and once again praying he was right.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She looked at him side-eyed for a moment, then said, “Would it be okay if I call you Papi or Daddy like Lucy and Max do?”
> 
> Rafael turned toward her and put his knife down. “Honey, put your knife down and look at me.”
> 
> She followed his instructions, biting her lip as she turned toward him. “Is that what you really want?” he asked. 
> 
> She nodded. “Then you’ll kind of be my real daddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Trigger warning--discussion of child molestation******  
> This fic has ongoing themes discussing both adult and child sexual assault. This will be in pretty much every chapter, so please be sure this is safe for you to read.
> 
> Thanks to my beta, Natalie. She's like chocolate, y'all. She makes everything better!

Vanessa was sitting on a blanket in the middle of Central Park, watching her husband kicking a soccer ball around with the kids.  Lola and Max returned it pretty easily, and Lucy was determined to keep up. After trying unsuccessfully several times, she finally grabbed the ball with both of her little hands, put it at her foot, and kicked it as hard as she could in Rafael’s direction.  Her green eyes suddenly went big and her mouth rounded into an O. “I did it Daddy! I kickeded the ball!”

 

Rafael hopped toward her and picked her up, swinging her in the air while she laughed.  “You sure did, mija! That was quite a kick!”

 

“Hey Lucy,” Lola said as she approached them with her ball, “let’s go play!”

 

“Otay, Lola.”  Giggling, the little girl grabbed her father’s face in her hands and kissed him on the lips, smacking loudly.  “Otay, Papi. Put me down now. I gotta kick that ball.”

 

He set her down, watching Lola and Max kicking a couple balls around in the grass, then made his way back to Vanessa.  “You know, all we really need is a decent bottle of champagne and this would be perfect.”

 

She leaned over and kissed him then, gently.  “I love you, Rafa,” she murmured, needing to feel loved herself.  His hand ran across her back softly before he slid it under the back of her shirt, low, to stroke the skin there.

 

“I have an idea,” he confided quietly, “but we’ll have to wait until everyone goes to sleep to try it.”

 

She smirked.  “You always have the best ideas.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”  He leaned over and nipped her earlobe.  “I’m always glad you’re willing to go along for the ride.”

 

*****************************************

Lola helped Rafael cook dinner later that night.  She was still living at Belle Isle, but often spent Fridays and Saturdays with Rafael and Vanessa.  She was still in intensive therapy. They had talked about trying to provide a therapeutic environment at home, but Lola’s therapist had shaken her head.  “It’s too risky, especially with other children in the home,” she explained to the best of her ability. “She’s too impulsive.” Lola still had nightmares regularly and could react violently if she felt she was in danger.  When Lucy was nearly a year old, Lola had been visiting for the afternoon. Lucy was tired and cranky, and her body was rigid from screaming. As Vanessa tried to rock the baby, Lola stood up, grabbed the television remote and threw it as hard as she could at the TV, breaking the screen.  “That damn baby screams too much!” she shrieked, then collapsed into a ball of tears. The incident shook them up, and after much discussion, it was agreed upon that it was in everyone’s best interest for Lola to continue living at Belle Isle.

 

She was chopping vegetables to go in a salad while Vanessa got the younger children changed into pajamas.  Dinner was running late, and the kids should be going to bed shortly. “Hey Rafa, I have a question for you.”

 

“Sure,” he replied.  “What is it?”

 

She looked at him side-eyed for a moment, then said, “Would it be okay if I call you Papi or Daddy like Lucy and Max do?”

 

Rafael turned toward her and put his knife down.  “Honey, put your knife down and look at me.”

 

She followed his instructions, biting her lip as she turned toward him.  “Is that what you really want?” he asked. 

 

She nodded.  “Then you’ll kind of be my real daddy.”

 

Rafael could feel his heart swell, and fought back the tears.  “Of course, honey. You can call me either one or both.

 

Lola sighed heavily.  “Good,” she said, turning back to her vegetables.  “Vanessa said I can call her Momma too, and then I’ll have a real mom and dad on earth too.”

 

Rafael chuckled and leaned over to give her a quick hug.  “Parents that love you everywhere,” he mused, then tousled her hair before going back to his cooking.

 

*****************************************

“So, when you said you had an idea, did you have anything specific in mind?”

 

He was sitting on the bed naked, dick half hard as she stroked it gently.  She still had her bra and panties on, and he was absentmindedly running a single finger back and forth on her bra strap.

 

“Naked,” he said.  “I specifically wanted you naked for this.  For anything.’ He grinned then, teasing her.  “I love every inch of your body.”

 

She snorted, then pulled off her bra, and his hands immediately went to cup the full weight of her breasts.  “So warm and soft,” he mused. “Your tits are always, always so incredible. Just the way they feel in my hands.”

 

“An Ode to My Wife’s Tits, by Rafael Barba,” she teased.

 

“Hmm.”  His thumb carefully stroked around the delicate flesh of her nipple before tweaking it.  “I swear I could just suck these for days.”

 

“Can you imagine?” she asked.  “I’d anticipate some serious pain from an undertaking like that.”

 

“Eh, maybe.”  He suddenly sucked in a breath and shifted.  “Jesus, that felt good,” he said, responding to the soft lick she had given to his slit.  “Your mouth. That’s what I want. I want to fuck your mouth.”

 

She ran her thumb over the head.  “You sure that’s what you want? I could always suck you for awhile and then we could explore some other options to ensure your satisfaction.”  She grinned.

 

He snickered.  “Such a salesperson at heart.  You kill me.” She sucked him in further and his hand moved to the top of her head.  “That’s right, honey. Just like that. I love watching my dick going in and out of your mouth.  You’re so fucking sexy, Ness. Get to watch you do this for the rest of our lives.”

 

“Hmm,” she moaned against him, gently cupping his balls and sliding back on his shaft until just the tip was inside her mouth.  She pulled off him to run a tongue down the vein of his shaft, to his balls, before carefully mouthing at them.

 

His hand tangled further into her hair, and he gently guided her back and forth on his shaft.  “So, so good honey,” he moaned quietly. “You’re so good to me. Your mouth is like heaven. Jesus.”

 

He had always been mouthy in bed.  In fact, sometimes she thought the only time he stopped talking in bed was when his mouth was busy stimulating a body part.  But she had to admit his talk turned her on. She knew it turned him on too, immensely, even if he wouldn’t admit to it. She tried to return it as good as she got, but sometimes she lost her concentration, too focused on the insane pleasure he was bringing her.  And with the kids in the house, they had to be quiet, so the conversation was kept to quiet murmurs and whispers.

 

She tapped his thigh, their signal for him to let go, and she came up for air.  As she was catching her breath, his hands rearranged her hair, petting her, and she understood.  She always had to be touching him somewhere too. “You ready?” she asked. “Do you wanna come like this or should we have sex?”

 

Absentmindedly he moved her hair off her shoulder and onto her back.  “I want to fuck you. Always. Love feeling you all around me.”

 

“Well then, tell me when to stop, okay?”  She licked over the head again, and he watched her eyes flutter shut.  “You taste so good.”

 

He tangled his hands in her hair and she moved forward, gently taking his cock in her mouth, and he felt her slowly run her tongue over his shaft.  “More,” he directed, low, and she swallowed another inch of him. He held her head still for just a minute, then let go, but she didn’t move. “Ness--” she was still, his cock inside her mouth.  “You okay, baby?”

 

“Mmhm.”  Her hands were stroking his inner thighs, fondling his balls and carefully rubbing his perineum.

 

“Christ,” he muttered.  “Gonna fuck your mouth now.”  And he gently rocked his hips toward her.  She made a little noise, but otherwise continued sucking firmly on him, hollowing her cheeks.

 

Vanessa looked up at him, and he loved this position.  Seeing her on her knees for him, lips wrapped around his cock, eyes wide open watching him was his absolute favorite position.  Not just because it was sexy as fuck, but because of the trust involved. He knew she trusted him and he knew how hard that was for her.  It blew his mind every time.

 

He began to thrust slowly and steadily, his eyes meeting hers.  “That’s so good, baby. So good for me. So good at making me feel good.  I love seeing your mouth full of me like this. Do you like sucking me, honey?  Like knowing how hard you make me, how much I want to bend you over and fuck you until we’re both exhausted?”

 

She sucked hard suddenly and his breath hitched, then he thrust back, trying to establish a rhythm that worked for both of them.  Her fingernails were grazing over his balls now, and she grasped at the bottle of lube next to him on the bed. “This?” he asked, then opened the cap and squeezed a little into her hand.  “I love it when you do this too. Trying to make me come in your mouth, aren’t you?”

 

“Mmm.”  She popped off him again and he watched as the saliva stretched from her lower lip to his cock.  

 

“You’re gorgeous, baby,” he whispered, leaning forward and kissing her deeply.

 

“Spread your legs,” she told him, “and lay back against the headboard.”

 

Following her direction, he leaned back and watched as she followed him.  “Bend your knees,” she told him. “I’m gonna finger you.”

 

“Jesus,” he groaned as her finger slipped in easily.  As he was relishing this new stimulation, he felt her mouth take his cock in again, sucking hard and bobbing quickly up and down on him.  He caught her face once more in his hands, and once she stilled, he thrust again, and he felt her swallow, and the wet heat around him was indulgent.  

 

As her eyes met his, he thrust again, gently but firmly, and held her head steady by her hair.  He watched her as he thrust back and forth repeatedly, until at last her eyes shut. She continued to suck, though, until he started to whine, and she knew he was close.  She moved off of him quickly. “You okay?” she asked, wiping her mouth on her arm.

 

He nodded.  “Yeah. Give me a minute.” 

 

He was leaning back against the headboard, cock deep red and purple, and she wanted so much to lower herself onto him at this moment.  “You’re gonna feel so good in me,” she whispered, gently licking and sucking on his earlobe. “I can’t wait, Rafa. I want to ride your dick until we both come hard.”

 

His hand reached out and tangled itself in her hair again.  “I make you feel good, bebita? Every time?” And something in his tone made her think there was some underlying insecurity there.

 

“Every time.”  She straddled him then.  “Can I? Please? Just want to feel you inside me--”

 

“Yes,” he groaned softly.  “God yes.”

 

She guided him in and slowly slid down his erection before settling on him.  They were still for a minute. “Does it feel good?” he asked, running a thumb over her nipple.

 

“It’s perfect,” she told him, then leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder.  “I love you, Rafael. I want to make you happy every day we’re alive.”

 

Both his hands rose to cup her face then.  When she spoke like this, he felt like she was caressing his heart.  And he knew he was home. “Baby,” he whispered as he gently thrust upward.  This time it was her breath that hitched, and a moment later her arms were wrapped around his body, and his hers, as they rocked together in complete bliss.

 

*********************************

“Okay, Lola,” Rafael said, “can you take your backpack?  I’ll get your suitcase.”

 

He was bringing her back from an overnight visit.  It was Saturday afternoon and Vanessa was headed to his mother’s with Max and Lucy.  He was going to meet her at a new coffee shop near their apartment for their date.

 

They arrived at Belle Isle in good time, and Rafael helped her carry her overnight bag inside. Lola led them inside, and Rafael signed her back in.  “Thank you, Rafael,” Emma, the secretary acknowledged him. “Did you have fun, Miss Lola?”

 

“Uh-huh,” she said.  “We had so much fun.”

 

“Come on,” Rafael nodded toward Lola’s room down the hall.  “Let’s get your stuff back to your room.”

 

He followed her back to her bedroom and watched her toss her backpack on the bed.  Trying to model better behavior, he put the suitcase on the bed and unzipped it to help her unpack.  

 

She guided him through where everything was located, and he reminded her it was best to unpack as soon as she got home to keep her things nice.  She nodded, then said, “Daddy, when are you gonna come visit me this week?” 

 

He was still trying to adjust to the new name, but it made him smile.  “I think Vanessa and I are planning to come on Wednesday. But we will call you and let you know, okay?”

 

“Okay.”  She held out her arms for a hug and he moved over to hug her gently.  She reached up to kiss his cheek, he thought, until her lips landed on his and she clung to him.

 

His mind began to race, no idea what to do, and impulsively he pulled her away and held her at an arm’s length.  

 

He was breathing heavily from shock.  “Lola,” he said, and his voice sounded high, “don’t ever do that again.  That’s not okay.”

 

“But that’s how Lucy and Nessa kiss you.  My dad said that’s how people who love each other kiss.”  She jumped on her bed, then buried her head in the pillows.  “You don’t love me like them. I’m not your precious girl. Lucy is.  That’s what you say about her and you kiss her.” Her eyes filled with tears.  “Nobody loves me. Why don’t you love me, Rafa? Why am I so bad?”

 

If Rafael prayed to God, he would have been clinging to a bible at this moment.

 

“Lola,” he said quietly, pulling up a chair next to her bed.  “Grownups sometimes kiss each other on the lips when they are in love with each other.  Little children sometimes kiss their parents on the lips because they haven’t learned yet that it isn’t appropriate.  Bigger kids, like you...it’s not okay for you to kiss a grownup man or woman on the mouth.”

 

“Because of sex?” she asked, and wiped her eyes.

 

He shook his head.  “I don’t understand.  What do you mean?”

 

“Because it’s not okay to have sex with a grownup.”  She was scratching at her knee.

 

“Yes.  Mouth kissing is like that.  It’s not okay.”

 

“Are you mad at me now?” she asked.  “Are you gonna tell Vanessa?”

 

He sighed.  “I’m not mad, honey.  But yes, I’m going to tell Vanessa..  We both love you and we want to make sure we are both teaching you the right things.  Plus, remember when Vanessa told you how we don’t have secrets? If I didn’t tell her that would be a secret, and that’s not okay either.”  

 

She still wouldn’t look at him, so he tried again.  “Lola, no one is angry. We just want to make sure you understand this isn’t okay and can’t happen again.”

 

“Are you gonna go away now?”  Her eyes flitted quickly to his face, then away again.

 

“No,” he told her.  “Absolutely not. We all love you.  And everybody makes mistakes.” 

 

She was still staring at the floor.  “Lola, look at me,” he said again, and waited until her eyes slowly made their way to his.  “You are a good girl who made a mistake. You are loved very much. You are not bad and have never been a bad girl, okay?”

 

He knew he could say it forever and there would still be a part of her that didn’t believe him, but he was determined to continue to try to convince her.

 

Softly, she said, “I love you, Daddy.  I’m sorry.”

 

He smiled at her.  “I love you too, Lola.  Would you like a hug?”

 

She nodded quickly and launched herself into his arms.  He held her tightly for longer than usual, feeling her little body shake against his.

 

********************************************

They ended up skipping the coffee date.  It had taken him another hour before he could leave Belle Isle.  He’d flagged down Jason, who had listened empathically, then shaken his head.  “I wish I could say I’m surprised, Rafael. But you know as well as I do that coming from her background, she will quite likely be promiscuous at an early age and sexualize situations inappropriately.”  He sat back in his chair. “Would you mind documenting what happened and getting me a copy at the beginning of the week? I’ll let her therapist know.”

 

“Sure.  And you know anything we can do to help, we want to.”

 

“You guys are already doing an amazing job with her,” Jason told him.  “I know it may not feel like it right now, but she’s more stable than she has been in a long time.  She looks forward every week to her time with your family.”

 

By the time he got home it was almost six, and Vanessa was on the balcony with a glass of wine and a book.  “Hey baby,” she greeted as he joined her. She poured him a glass and handed it to him.

 

“Lola kissed me,” he said bluntly, swirling the wine in his glass.

 

“Yeah, she loves you,” Vanessa started before seeing his expression.  “Oh. Oh. Oh no, you mean kissed-kissed you?”

 

He nodded, then took a sip of his wine.  Or maybe more than a sip.

 

“Oh honey.”  She reached over and laid a hand on his thigh.  “What did you do?”

 

He shook his head.  “I told her that couldn’t happen again, and why.  She just...I don’t know, misreads cues or something.  She said you and Lucy kiss me like that, and her dad said people who love each other kiss like that--”

 

“Her dad,” Vanessa interjected snidely.  

 

“I know.  I explained that little kids like Lucy sometimes kiss parents that way because they don’t know better, but children shouldn’t kiss grownups on the lips.  I told her she is loved very much by both of us. That’s the other thing. She thinks I don’t love her, that there’s something wrong with her.”

 

Vanessa shook her head.  “She’s eleven now, Rafa. It’s going to get more intense and confusing before it gets better.  All we can do is keep setting appropriate boundaries and love the heck out of her.”

 

He finished his glass of wine and she automatically refilled it for him.  “I don’t know what I’m doing here, Ness,” he confessed. “I was in shock and I hate knowing my first impulse had more to do with protecting myself than in comforting her.”

 

“Hey,” she said, and he looked at her.  “Of course that was your first reaction.  In this day and age that SHOULD be your first reaction.  You know as well as I do that even a whisper of impropriety could destroy you.  But it sounds as if you handled it as well as anyone could. It’s going to be hard to convince her that she has self-worth and value that has nothing to do with her body.  That’s just the way her reality has been.”

 

“Vanessa,” he said, “I love you.”

 

She smiled then.  “Thank God for that.  I love you too, baby.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He smiled. “You know where I am.” As an officer entered the visitation room to take him back to his cell, Hurst turned to Benson one more time. “Oh,” he said, snapping his fingers, “say hi to Vanessa for me. It’s been too long.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT
> 
> Thanks again to my beta, Natalie, for all her help!
> 
> Please share your comments and kudos generously--they're wonderful!

“Vanessa Rayden is an old friend.”  Ryan Hurst’s demeanor was calm and collected as they sat in the visitation room at Rikers.  “Great girl. We had a casual relationship for a short while that ended after she was assaulted, as you mentioned.  Why do you ask?” he inquired, and Benson swore that he was trying to give an air of not giving a shit.

 

She smiled at him and lowered herself into the chair across from him.  “Because serial rapists leave patterns. There are many, many similar patterns between the two assaults.  And you know what? That seems to indicate that you were involved in both of them.”

 

He chuckled.  “So somehow I was her special nighttime friend?  Is that even a thing, Lieutenant?” Relaxing slightly and picking up on her tension, Hurst leaned back in his chair.  “Vanessa was a beautiful young woman who was interested in exploring some... _ interests, _  I helped her, she helped me.  It was mutual, exciting, and definitely consensual.”  He shrugged. “Do you ever have friends who help you out?”

 

“That’s enough,” Fin said, his voice low from across the table.

 

“Fine, fine.  I meant no disrespect for either you or Vanessa.   Let’s not be children here. Vanessa and I engaged in some very mutually-satisfying sexual experiences.”  He shrugged. “She likes it rough, lieutenant. I was her friend and I like it that way too. We got each other off.  Last time I checked, none of that was illegal.” 

 

Benson looked him straight in the eye.  “So. What bar did you go to that evening?”

 

“Mulroney’s on eighth.  It was a couple of blocks away from her place at the time.  We both had some drinks,enjoyed some good conversation, then decided to take the party back elsewhere.”

 

Benson was jotting down notes.  “And where was elsewhere?”

 

He smiled.  “Her place. We went back, relaxed, had another shot, and then we had each other.”

 

Benson didn’t look up, and her pen was scratching across the paper quickly.  “What time did you leave?”

 

“I’m guessing, but around niine is my best guess.  I was there for a couple of hours and then I went on my way.”

 

Her eyebrow shot up and she stared at him for a minute.  “Good for you,” she finally said.

 

“I don’t want to gossip about a friend, but as I said before, your girl is very curious.  She enjoyed the games we played, and that made me wonder if she made a misstep with that guy.  You know, invited him in, started getting hot and heavy, and he didn’t take no for an answer. Not all of them do, you know?  But I’m sure you’re well aware of that.” He drummed his fingers on the table. “She loves being submissive. I would imagine he got her into a submissive position and then did what he wanted.  She would have been completely nude, on her knees, vulnerable to him. It’s easy to see how it happened.” He leaned forward, toward Benson, and crossed his arms on the table. “He cuffed her, had her by the hair, forced himself in her mouth before flipping her over and fucking her.  Let me guess...he sodomized her too, didn’t he?” A sly grin was on his face, and Benson felt shivers go down her spine. “She loves choking and slapping too, so I’m sure there was evidence of that as well.” He shook his head suddenly. “Poor Vanessa. It’s going to be so hard to prove that this was not consensual if it goes to trial.  And if you try to pin this on me, well, I have video. And trust me, Lieutenant, everything I did to her on that video was very consensual.”

 

They were all silent for a moment.  “Video, huh? You know, in New York, it’s illegal to videotape sexual acts without consent from all parties.”

 

“If it’s not in my house,” he corrected.  “In my house, I can tape any damn thing I want, and I wanted to tape that woman.  She was...insatiable. And a very, very good girl.”

 

“You son of a bitch,” Fin growled at him, and Benson interrupted him sharply.

 

“Sergeant!”  She stood and walked over to the wall, pressing the button to alert an officer.  “We’ll be back,” she assured Hurst. “Don’t worry about that.”

 

He smiled.  “You know where I am.”  As an officer entered the visitation room to take him back to his cell, Hurst turned to Benson one more time.  “Oh,” he said, snapping his fingers, “say hi to Vanessa for me. It’s been too long.”

 

*****************************************

“So we’re looking for video?” Carisi asked Fin as they sorted through Hurst’s apartment.  “Any idea where it would be? And if he taped this eight years ago, what would he have used?  A flash drive? Camera equipment?”

 

“My money’s on a flash drive,” Rollins said.  “He would have had access to good equipment, though, because he’s in IT, remember?”

 

“Great,” Fin grumbled.  “That shit could be anywhere.”

 

Rollins was poking around in the closet.  “It’s like fifty shades back in here,” she muttered to herself as she opened drawers and found a variety of floggers and cuffs.  “Hey!” she called, “I’d guess it’s in here with his Christian Gray collection!”

 

Carisi pushed his way into the closet and looked inside the dresser drawers she’d opened.  “Jesus,” he said, eyes widening. “You think Rayden’s into this kind of stuff? That would mean Barba--”

 

“Shut it,” she told him.  “I don’t need those images.”

 

Fin stuck his head in the closet.  “Any luck?”

 

“Just his collection of freak toys,” Rollins told him.  “We’re still looking.”

 

Peering over her shoulder, Fin said, “How’d we miss this before?”

 

“The dresser rolls back into the wall, and it was covered by clothing,” she explained.  “It’s one of those fancy custom cabinetry things.”

 

“I’ve seen those before,” Carisi said, perking up.  “Look, it’ll roll out one more time--” he pulled the dresser out and turned it a quarter turn more, and they all went silent.  Taped to the back of the dresser were dozens of flash drives.

 

“They’re labeled,” Rollins said quietly.  “Initials and dates.”

 

Fin reached for his phone and stepped back.  “I’m calling CSU and Liv.”

 

“Jesus again,” Carisi swore, then began to help Rollins check the closet for any other hidden areas.

********************************************

“Hey Momma.”  Max was squeezing himself onto the sofa between the arm and Vanessa’s body.  “Do you miss me when I see Daddy and it’s only Lucy and Rafa?”

 

She squeezed him closer.  “Of course I miss you, silly.  But I know you’re having fun with Daddy, so it’s okay.  I like knowing you’re happy and having fun with people you love.”

 

He nodded.  “What if Lucy came to Daddy’s with me?  Would you be extra sad?”

 

Confused, she tilted her head.  “I would miss both of you, but remember, Lucy lives here all the time.  You have different dads.”

 

“Yeah, but…”  She could see something was on his mind, and she wasn’t sure what it was.  “You’re good at sharing, right?”

 

“Um, I try to be.  Sometimes sharing is hard.  Why do you ask?”

 

Max’s eyes glanced up at her for a second, then he looked at his feet.  “Well, Alex doesn’t have any little kids and I think she might be sad.”

 

“Ah,” she said.  “So you thought maybe if Lucy went with you she could play with Alex?”

 

He nodded.  “Not EVERY time, but sometimes.  I asked Lucy and she said, ‘Uh-huh.’”

 

Vanessa smoothed the hair off of his face.  “Have you mentioned any of this to Daddy?”

 

“Yeah, and he said Lucy can come play with us sometime if it was okay with you and Rafa.”

 

“Hmm.  I’ll have to call him about this.  But I think we can work something out.”

 

“Thanks Mommy.  You’re the bestest mom.”  He jumped off the sofa and she caught him by the hand.

 

‘Hey buddy,” she said, “you do understand that even if Lucy spends time with you at Daddy’s, her home is here, right?  She only has one mommy and one daddy.”

 

Max’s face scrunched up in confusion.  “So Alex and Daddy can’t be her other mom and dad?”

 

“No,” Vanessa replied.  “Rafi and I are her mommy and daddy.”

 

He sighed.  “Oh. You’re still learning how to share, right?”

 

She bit her lip to keep from laughing.  “Yeah, something like that.”

 

**************************************

“I love you, honey.  God, I love you.”

 

“You love this,” she teased him, and thrust her hips up against his again.  He caught her thigh and pulled it around his waist.

 

“Uh, yeah,” he answered, keeping a steady rhythm.  “I’m not dead. And I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, but you’re good at it.”

 

She had her mouth pressed against his neck and he could feel her laughing against his skin.  “I get a lot of practice..”

 

He thrust again and grunted.  “Feels good. And I’m happy to practice with you any time you want.”

 

“Taking one for the team, huh?”  She nipped his shoulder playfully as he rolled his hips.  They both moaned softly. “The Sexual Olympics,” she murmured.  “You’d win Gold in every category.”

 

He chuckled again, kissed her breast, then reached for the headboard.  “You ready to do this? I mean, really do this?”

 

She ran her hands down his back to his ass and squeezed.  “Yeah, go ahead, stud.”

 

He thrust  deeply, listening to her breath hitch.  “Stud,” he echoed. “That feel good? You like it deep, don’t you?”

 

“Mmhmm.”  She moved one hand up to his hair and tugged, then wrapped both legs around his waist.  “Love you. Love you so much, baby.”

 

He groaned lustily in her ear.  “Best part is around the corner,” he gasped, pumping deep and quick.  “Best part is watching you come. Can’t wait to see that, honey. One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.”

 

She was tugging his hair in rhythm with his thrusts and ground against him every chance she got.  She knew she was close and wondered if he knew it too. Then he took one of her nipples into his mouth, sucked hard, and slipped his fingers over her clit.  She was done for, and moaned loudly into his ear. He thrust quickly and erratically a handful more times and then he arched his back. She pulled his ass closer to her as he came, and then he collapsed on top of her.

 

She ran her hands over his ass gently, massaging and stroking, until he finally murmured, “You and my ass are having a love affair.”

 

She laughed.  “Yes, and we will never grow tired of each other.”  He lifted his head to kiss her, and her hands tangled in his hair again.  Tasting him slowly, wanting to touch his skin everywhere still, she opened her eyes---

 

To see Lucy standing by the bed, watching them with large eyes.

 

“Hi Mommy.  What are you doin’?”

 

“Shit!” Rafael squeaked and in two seconds was across the bed with the blanket on top of his still-partially stiff erection.

 

Vanessa pulled the comforter up to her breasts.  “Hello Lucy. Why are you in here?”

 

The little girl shrugged her shoulders.  “I misseded you and Daddy.” She peered around Vanessa.  “Hi Daddy. I misseded you!”

 

“Lucy,”  Vanessa prayed her voice sounded calmer than she felt.  “Daddy and I are having some grownup time. I need you to go back to your bedroom and I will be there to tuck you in soon.”

 

“But Momma,” she whined, “I misseded you guys!  I wanna sweep in YOUR bed!”

 

Rafael shook his head vehemently.  “Lucy, do what Mami said. She will be there in a minute.”

 

Lucy’s bottom lip jutted out into a pout.  “Fine, Daddy. But I need a kissy first.”

 

Vanessa leaned over toward Lucy, but the little girl shook her head.  “Not a Momma kissy! A  _ Daddy _ kissy.”

 

Vanessa thought if Rafael shook his head any harder it was going to go flying off his body.

 

Vanessa glanced at him.  “Lucy, Daddy can’t kiss you right now.  He needs to go brush his teeth--”

 

Rafael’s head shaking turned into a vigorous nod.  “Yes, Lucy, Daddy needs to brush his teeth. And floss.  And gargle.”

 

Vanessa elbowed him.  “Go on back and I’ll be there in just a minute.  I’m sure Daddy will give you a kiss in a little while once he’s taken care of everything.”  She looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

 

“Of course, sweetheart.  I’ll give you a kiss in a little bit.”

 

“Otay,” Lucy reached for Vanessa’s hand.  Vanessa grabbed her t-shirt off the floor and yanked it over her head.”

 

“Oh, Mommy!  Did you forget to put your pj’s on?”

 

“I did,” she confirmed, then pulled on a pair of boxers.  “Okay, let’s go back to bed.”

****************************************

“Did she ask anything else? Did she interrogate you?”  Rafael was sitting up in bed, back against the headboard, looking worried.

 

“No, she just wanted me to remember to get dressed for bed.”  She chuckled and slid under the covers on her side of the bed.  “Do you know what the best part about having kids is?”

 

“The free birth control?”

 

“Har har,” she replied.  “No, it’s that whatever is going on outside your door, they find a way to make you remember what’s important in life.”

 

“Privacy is important,” he told her, wrapping his arms around her.  “So are orgasms.”

 

“You had an orgasm.  I have the proof inside me.”

 

“Ah, gross.  We don’t need to discuss that right now.”  He kissed her head. “How much do you think she saw?”

 

“Not much.”  She reached behind her and stroked his hip.  “You know Lucy, she announces herself whenever she enters a room.”

 

He sighed softly against her.  “Let’s hope you’re right about that.  And we have got to remember to lock the bedroom door from now on.”

 

“Agreed.”

**********************************

“So you found something?”  Vanessa shifted restlessly on the couch next to Liv.  They were in Olivia’s office. Liv had said they needed to talk.

 

“Possibly.”  Running her hands over her thighs, she asked, “Did you know that Ryan Hurst liked to record things?”

 

Vanessa sighed.  “You’re asking me if I’m aware that he has a recording of us.  Yes, I am. He asked once if he could and I agreed to do that once.”

 

“Well,” Liv said slowly, “it appears there’s more than one.”  She watched as realization dawned on Vanessa’s face and her expression changed from shock to something in between shame and anger.

 

“More than one?” she asked.  “Of what? Of us having sex?”

 

Liv nodded.  “Mainly dom/sub role play.  There are a half-dozen of you, and probably fifteen more with various other women.

 

“That son of a bitch!” Vanessa stood up and began to pace the room.  “I only gave him permission once, and it was a pretty vanilla experience.  I  _ never _ gave him permission for that kinky shit he liked to do.  I can’t believe this. Isn’t it violating my rights if he tapes me without my knowledge or consent?”

 

Liv cleared her throat.  “Not if it’s at his house. He has a right to record on his property.”  Vanessa continued to pace back and forth, and Liv watched her. “Look, we’re still going through the tapes, so we may find some recorded somewhere other than his place.  If we do, we can get him on that.”

 

Vanessa froze.  “We. The squad.  Everyone is seeing this?  Everyone is seeing me?” Her face blanched.  Then softly, she asked, “Will Rafael see this?”

 

Liv stood up.  “No. There’s no reason for him to see it.  He’s not on this case anymore, and it’s confidential at this point.  If something were to change, I will let you know.”

 

“I feel sick,” she said suddenly.  “Liv, I’m gonna puke.”

 

She spun around and Liv handed her the trash can just in time for her to empty her stomach.  

 

“I know this doesn’t help right now,” Liv tried to soothe, “but you did nothing wrong.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

 

Vanessa swallowed back a sob, then hiccupped.  “Really? What am I going to do when my kids see it one day?  How am I going to explain this to them? How can I explain this to my husband?  That I participated in this, willingly?”

 

“Vanessa, there’s nothing wrong with what you did.  And it’s nobody else’s business, including Rafael’s, as to when, how, and why that happened.”

 

She shook her head for a minute.  “Are we finished?”

 

Liv nodded.  “For now.”

 

Vanessa grabbed her bag from the couch and headed toward the ladies’ room to rinse her mouth.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I need to tell you something,” she began, “and it’s going to be long and painful, and I’m sorry.”
> 
> He didn’t even need to look at her to know there were tears in her eyes. Her voice was cracking, and he felt his anxiety shoot through the roof. He turned back to face her, and she was sitting on her side of the bed, watching him. He moved over to the bed and sat down on his side, then opened his arms to hold her. She shook her head. “I don’t know if I can tell you if you’re holding me. It’s something you may be upset about. I’m angry with myself about it.”
> 
> “Okay.” He turned and sat so he could see her face fully. “Whatever it is, we’ll work through it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING--discussion of sexual assault.
> 
> Thanks again to Natalie for her mad beta skills!
> 
> Thank you for reading--please feed me with kudos and comments! I love them!

“I need to tell you something,” she began, “and it’s going to be long and painful, and I’m sorry.”

 

He didn’t even need to look at her to know there were tears in her eyes.  Her voice was cracking, and he felt his anxiety shoot through the roof. He turned back to face her, and she was sitting on her side of the bed, watching him.  He moved over to the bed and sat down on his side, then opened his arms to hold her. She shook her head. “I don’t know if I can tell you if you’re holding me.  It’s something you may be upset about. I’m angry with myself about it.”

 

“Okay.”  He turned and sat so he could see her face fully.  “Whatever it is, we’ll work through it.”

 

She laughed, but it was a hollow, aching laugh, and he knew this conversation was going to be about her assault.  Her face had taken on a heartbroken expression, and he wished he could wipe it away.

 

She cleared her throat.  “I need to tell you more about Ryan Hurst.  I’ve left some things out. Maybe a lot of it.  Stuff I’ve never told anyone, because it’s embarrassing and I feel ashamed of it and didn’t want anyone to know.  But if this eventually goes to trial it will come up and you need to know, Rafa. I don’t want you to find out inside of a courtroom.”

 

His brow furrowed and he rested a hand on her thigh.  “Ness, whatever it is, you know I’m still going to love and support you.  You’re still my wife. You’re also still my best friend and the person I want to be with.  No matter what you tell me, those things will still be true.”

 

“I hope so,” she said, wiping at a stray tear.  “I really do.” She pulled a pillow to her stomach and held it there.  “I met Ryan in Quantico when we were both trying to get jobs in behavioral analysis.  He didn’t make the first cut but I did, and he moved back here to New York. After the training, hiring and placement, I was moved to Manhattan.  I ran into him at a conference shortly after, and we got together for dinner that night. It was like running into an old friend. I was new here and didn’t know many people, and he knew all about the city.  So he helped me get acclimated.”

 

Rafael nodded.  “So you felt comfortable around him.  He was something familiar in a new place.”

 

“Yes.”  She was playing with the hem of her tee shirt.  “And we started sleeping together. It began the first time we got together in Manhattan.   We had dinner and drinks, then we went back to his place and had sex. And before you ask, no, he didn’t pressure me into anything.  I wanted to have sex with him. I hadn’t dated in a long time and I was lonely.”

 

“I wasn’t going to ask,” Rafael said.  “It’s not my business.”

 

She looked at him from the corner of her eye.  “What I told you about me having trouble climaxing during intercourse was true.  All of that was true. It was true with him and with Bobby, and with other men. I wasn’t making that up.”

 

“I believe you.”  Rafael felt a bit confused about the conversation.  So far he couldn’t see what was compelling this discussion.  “Honey, really, you don’t have to tell me--”

 

“Yes I do,” she said again, more firmly.  “Because it started out as casual sex, nothing over the top or anything.  But he liked it rough. It started out relatively tame with stuff like spanking or wrist restraints, blindfolds, that kind of thing.  But then it progressed. He wanted me to play a submissive role to his dominant one. We used safe words, but I let a lot of stuff go that I wasn’t really comfortable with.”

 

“Ness,” he said confusedly, “why are you telling me this?”

 

She pulled her knees up to her chest.  “You need to know some of the stuff I let him do, because it may come up at the trial.”

 

“Okay, like what?  Are we talking role play and mild stuff, or anything more hardcore?”

 

“The bite mark on my breast.  He did that.”

 

Shocked, Rafael straightened his back.  “Oh, honey. Why? When? Did you report it at all?”

 

She shook her head.  “I don’t know why. He was growing increasingly violent.  The night I was raped, he had been pretty aggressive with me.  Wanted me to kneel for him, held my head still during oral and choked me with his cock.  I tapped him and he took another several seconds to pull out. It went on from there, more choking and slapping--well, more than usual.  Then he bit me.”

 

She wasn’t looking at him, and he suddenly thought of how ashamed she must be feeling.  “And you agreed to all of that?”

 

“Yeah.  I mean, I was drunk, but we had done most of that before, just not all in one night.”

 

Rafael was quiet for a moment.  “Did you want him to choke and slap you?”

 

She buried her face in the pillow on her knees, and for a moment she reminded him of Lola.  “At certain times, yes. I was curious, especially about the breath play stuff. I guess part of me was hoping I’d actually come.  You know, it’s supposed to give you more intense orgasms…”

 

“What about the slapping?”

 

“No,” she admitted.  “I was really surprised when he did that.”

 

He felt a little sick.  “Was that stuff anything you had tried before?  Or since?”

 

She shook her head.  “No. But he was attractive and knew how to slather on the attention, and I liked it.  And like I said, I was curious. He never did anything that I said wasn’t okay. And most times he got me off after he came, so there was that.”

 

At some point he had reached over and taken her hand in his.  Now he was running his fingers up and down her own fingers and over her palm.  “So what all happened the night you were raped?”

 

“Like I said, we went to dinner, but ended up mainly drinking.  I don’t remember why. I know I had several shots and didn’t eat much.  We took a cab to my place and came upstairs. As soon as we got inside he told me to get on my knees, and I did.  I don’t know why, Rafa. But I did, and he wanted oral, so I did it until he told me to stop. We went to the bedroom and he had me strip, and then he spanked me.  Hard. I remember saying something about how it was too hard, and he said something about did I want to use my safe word and we would be done for the night. But I didn’t want to end it yet.  I wanted to come. In hindsight, that’s the worst excuse possible.”

 

“Ness--”

 

She shook her head.  “Let me finish, okay?”

 

He closed his eyes for a moment and nodded.  “Okay.”

 

“So he bent me over the bed and basically dry-fucked me.  He was rough and it wasn’t comfortable to say the least, but again, I didn’t want to quit.  He was yanking my hair and calling me a slut and whatever. I didn’t enjoy his dirty talk, but apparently he did.  Then he yanked me by my hair and told me to look in the mirror. Then he slapped my face and told me I was a greedy little cockslut.  Next thing I knew he was choking me and climaxing, and thank God he came when he did because I think he would have forgotten to let go of my neck.”

 

Rafael was shaking his head, eyes closed.  He could picture Hurst’s hands around her neck, squeezing, and he wanted nothing more than to rip the man’s balls off his body.

 

“He let go and I was gasping for air, and he slapped my ass and told me to roll over, so I did, and he went down on me, hard and fast, and I came pretty quickly, I think. While I was coming down from my orgasm I suddenly felt this horrible pain in my breast.  I looked down. He had pulled off and was stroking the mark and smiling. Smiling. Then he said, ‘Well, I guess you’ll always have something to remember me by.’”

 

“Jesus, Vanessa.  Please tell me you decided to end it.”

 

“I did.  I actually had already, which I think is one of the reasons he was so violent that night.  I had told him a couple weeks prior that I thought we should see other people. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to still engage in any of that.  He was getting rougher and didn’t seem to respond quickly enough to the limits I set, and it was making me nervous. Then he texted out of the blue and asked if I’d like to ‘cum on over’ for some fun.  I was lonely and missed having sex. I guess I thought that maybe with time he would have mellowed a little. So I figured why not?” Motioning to her breast, she added, “I guess this is why not.”

 

“Honey,” he said, “have you been honest with Liv?”

 

She sighed.  “Now, yes. But not before.  I didn’t want anyone to know what I had been experimenting with.  Or who was my partner. I was terrified it would come out in court, where I’d be subjected to questioning about it.  How could I tell the world? And how would anyone believe me about being raped when I was willingly submitting myself to abuse?”

 

“Come here.”  He held out his arms again.  “Please, just come here.”

 

Hesitantly she scooted closer to him.  He motioned for her to come closer, then said, “Closer, closer...I want to hold you if that’s okay.”

 

She watched him, his body language, arms and legs stretched out, and reminded herself she could trust this man.  She knew he loved her and she wanted to believe she wouldn’t get hurt, so she allowed herself to lean in and be held by him, warm and safe.

 

“Rafa, I liked some of it.  If he had listened better to my safewords, I probably would have really enjoyed a good portion of it.  I learned I didn’t like to be hurt, and I didn’t like the derogatory language, but I did like submitting on occasion.  I’ve never told that to anyone. I’m embarrassed by it.”

 

“You have nothing to be embarrassed by,” he told her flatly.  “Nothing at all. And you need to know that while I”m concerned about this in a potential trial setting, as your husband I feel completely different emotions.  Baby, I’m not mad at all. I’ve done things you don’t know about too. And if this was something you were exploring, that’s okay.”

 

“Sometimes,” she said softly, “sometimes I’ve thought about bringing it up with you.  About trying certain aspects again. But I wasn’t sure…”

 

“Can I kiss you?” he asked, stroking her face.  “It’s okay if the answer is no, but I would really like to kiss you.  I would really like you to know how deeply in love I am with you. I want you to hear that, okay?”

 

She nodded.  “Yes on both counts.”

 

He leaned forward and kissed her gently, then snaked a hand around her neck to stroke the soft hair there.  Their kiss was sweet and longing and when they separated she rested her forehead against his. “I made a lot of mistakes, Rafa.  I know I did.”

 

“And you learned from them.  Before you got hurt by this man.”

 

She cleared her throat.  “There’s something else.”

 

“Okay.” he continued stroking her hair and wrapping it around his fingers.  “Lay it on me. I’m ready.”

 

Both of her hands came up to cup his face, even though she was now resting with her head on his chest.  “I got pregnant.”

 

“Nessa.” His voice was full of concern and he pulled her away from his body.  “What happened??”

 

She shrugged her shoulders.  “I never knew whether it was Ryan’s or Eric Shaw’s.  There was no way I was going to have a rapist’s baby.  Physically, the doctor said he didn’t know if I would be able to carrying the baby anyway.  I was already in my thirties, and the rape had been so violent that I had three different reconstruction surgeries.  So I had an abortion.” She crossed her arms in front of her, almost daring him to object. He didn’t, and after a moment, she said, “I just couldn’t do it.  I hated myself and I would have hated that baby too.”

 

“You owe me no explanations, Ness.  I love you exactly how you are.”

 

This time she felt the tears coming, and she quickly burrowed back into his shirt.  “Thank you,” he heard her say over and over. “Thank you, Rafa. Thank you for always loving me.”  She shook her head in his chest. “Even when I lie.”

 

He wrapped his arms around her again, holding her tightly.  “You are so very precious to me too, you know,” he said. “I’ll love you until the day I die, and I know that is the truth, honey.  Sometimes we just know.” 

 

Somehow laughter escaped with her next sob, and she reached over and ran her fingers along his warm skin.  “My beautiful husband,” she sighed, and he pulled her back on the bed, snuggling her closer. She kept her hand close to his belly, continuing to whisper “I love you,” and “I’m so lucky.”

 

***********************************

It was Saturday night, and they were curled up in bed with the TV on.  “I love stay at home Saturdays,” she mused, reaching under his shirt to stroke his belly.

 

“Staycation Saturdays,” he responded, and she hummed.

 

He wanted more than anything to touch her, stroke her, make her feel good.  But they hadn’t touched each other sexually for almost a week. She didn’t seem particularly interested for once and he didn’t want to push her.  But now, her hand on his belly, gently moving back and forth and tugging on the hair directly below his navel was doing things to him. He could feel himself hardening, and for a brief second considered trying to focus on math or geography or the case he had coming up in a couple weeks.

 

A minute later he heard her soft laugh.  “Well, that didn’t take very long tonight.”  She put her chin on his stomach and, looking at him with those big eyes, said, “Are you horny?  Do you want to do it?”

 

He smiled at her.  “I think it’s because we’ve had other things going on this week...out of our routine, you know?”  She ran her hand down his belly over the front of his tented pajama pants. “I mean, I don’t want you to feel pressured at all, honey.  If you don’t want to--”

 

Now she sat up.  “Who said I didn’t want to?” she asked.  “I always want to do it with you.”

 

“I guess it was our conversation the other day--”

 

“Wait a minute.”  She adjusted herself more comfortably on the bed.  “Are you saying you haven’t suggested it this week because of that conversation?”

 

He felt a sudden flush move from his face down to his chest.  “I didn’t want to upset you, or for you to feel pressured.”

 

She stared at him for a minute.  “Look, Rafa, I appreciate you wanting to make it easy on me.  And I’m not going to lie, it is fucking hard to talk about. HARD.  But the reason I’m talking about it is because of you and the kids. Because I want to live a normal life.  Because you and I don’t have secrets. Because we have a relatively healthy marriage and I want it to stay that way.  I love you more than life itself, and I love expressing that through sex.”

 

“Okay,” he said slowly, “are you sure?  If you change your mind--”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“Okay.”  He sat up next to her.  “Do you think I’m boring in bed?  I mean, the stuff you told me you were interested in--”

 

“That was eight years ago, Rafa.  Yeah, some of it I’m still interested in.  A lot of it I’m not. People change. Why, did you want to try something?”

 

“No,” he answered quickly.  “Nothing.”

 

She raised an eyebrow.  “Liar.”

 

He was quiet, but again could feel the flush spreading down to his chest.  “Did you enjoy being spanked?”

 

She smiled at that.  “I do when it’s not painful.  I’m good with a sting, not with a ‘you can’t sit down for three days’ swat.”

 

“That’s not a swat,” he said wryly.  “That’s assault.”

 

She smiled at him teasingly.  “Do you want to spank me, Rafael?  Have I been a naughty girl?”

 

His cock twitched.  Damn twitchy cock. He grinned at her.  “Isn’t that a given?”

 

She smirked.  “Well then, you better punish me, Daddy.  So I remember my lesson.”

 

“Stand up,” he directed, and she did as he asked.  “Now take your clothes off. Slowly.”

 

So she did, one slow agonizing movement at a time.  He watched every second, eyes moving between her body and her expression, until she was completely nude in front of him.  “You are a very naughty girl, aren’t you?” he teased, then patted his thigh. “Come sit on Daddy’s lap.”

 

She sank down onto his pajama-clad thighs, feeling his erection poking against her hip.  He leaned over and covered her mouth with his, open and tasting. He didn’t know if she really felt this comfortable or was trying to convince herself, but he wanted to believe very much that it was true.  “That’s heaven,” he murmured when he separated his lips from hers. “Lay down on my lap.”

 

She did and settled herself as best she could, carefully balancing on him.  “You’ve been a bad girl, haven’t you, my sweet? How many swats should you receive?”

 

“I wasn’t trying to be bad, Daddy,” she whined.  “It just happened.”

 

“Hmm.”  He ran a finger down her crack and felt her shudder in excitement.  She really did like this. “I think ten is in order for tonight. Do you think that’s fair, beautiful?  Daddy just wants his kitten to learn her lesson.”

 

She couldn’t help it at that one.  She broke character and laughed, and a second later he did too.

 

“Okay, okay,” he finally said, wiping a tear from his eye.  “Ten swats to learn the lesson. Ready?”

 

“I’ve been ready.  You’re the one going on about kittens.”

 

“Just for that--” and his hand landed across her ass with a light smack  “Count, please, or else I might forget and we’d have to go back to number one.”

 

“One,” she obliged him, and sighed in pleasure.

 

His hand gently smacked again, a soft sting against her skin, and she counted aloud between sighs.  At five, he stopped. “How are you doing?” he asked, and she nodded.

 

“I’m good,” she told him.  “Really, really good.”

 

She felt his hand softly stroking her thigh for a moment before a finger slipped inside her.  “You’re so wet,” he noticed, swallowing hard. “This turns you on.”

 

“Yes,” she confirmed shyly, then rested her face in the pillow again.

 

“Okay, five more, baby.  Ready?”

 

He spanked her five more times, until her ass was a soft pink, which he found strangely arousing in itself.  But more than the soft shade were the sounds she had made...soft little moans and sighs, and the slight wriggling she did the more he swatted her.  He slipped a middle finger back inside her and circled her wetness. “Baby, you’re so wet. Nessie, I want to taste you.”

 

She sighed as he rearranged her body again, lying on her back this time as he bent her knees up.  “Keep them bent,” he instructed, then slid between her legs and opened her folds with his thumbs. “Ah, God,” he murmured.  “You’re so beautiful.”

 

His tongue ran around her clit over and over again until she was writhing and gasping and praying he didn’t tease her much longer.  Finally he began to lick her firmly, slipping two fingers inside of her and pumping slowly. “Please, Rafa, God. I’m so close. I want to come.  I want to feel you inside me. Please. Whatever you want.”

 

He stopped for a moment and gently nipped her inner thigh.  “All I want is you, Ness.” Then he licked her firmly and rhythmically until she came, and she gripped his head as her hips thrust up toward his mouth.

 

He gently let her go, then kissed his way slowly up her body.  She was still panting heavily, and he pulled back to watch for a moment.  She was breathtaking, and he found himself in awe of her. Then he moved quickly to settle his mouth over hers, and a second later their tongues were tasting each other, and her hand found his cock.  “Rafa,” she murmured, as he continued kissing her, “make love to me. I need you inside of me.”

 

He pulled his face up to look at her and smiled, then gently rubbed their noses together.  “I love you, Vanessa. Will you ride me?”

 

She nodded and moved out of the way so he could sit back, and she quickly slid his pajama pants down his legs to his ankles, then pulled them off.  One more minute and she had his shirt tossed to the floor. She carefully straddled him, then eased him inside. He reached for her, circling her clit once, then resting both hands on her hips to help balance her.  He raised his knees. “Now you can lean back and relax,” he said, and she laughed.

 

“Yeah, I know you just want me to lean back and relax.”  She reclined then, against his thighs. “See? Let’s watch some TV or read, or--”

 

He thrust his hips up quickly, holding tight to her body so she wouldn’t fall, and she gasped.  “Fuck, Rafa. Fuck. You’re gonna make me come so fast that way.”

 

He looked out under his sleepy hooded eyes.  “Good,” he replied, and fucked up again hard.  “Is that okay? Comfortable?”

 

“Yes,” she said, now leaning forward and pressing her palms to his chest.  “Will you do that again? And maybe again and again after that?”

 

He grinned at her.  “What? Like this?” And his hips snapped up quickly and repetitively, developing a rhythm, and she felt fireworks shooting in her belly.

 

“You’re so good at this,” she moaned.  “Too good.”

 

“Nah,” he told her, nuzzling against her neck.  “Never too good for you, hermosa. Now fuck me back.”

 

And she did, to the best of her ability.  They were riding high, hips snapping together in rhythm, deep and quick.  “Rafa...so good, so good,” she chanted softly as he held her hips and pulled her down on him with every stroke.  “Oh God, I’m gonna come again,” she whispered, then her hand flurried to her clit. He watched her climax on him and he felt fire through his veins.

 

He was clutching her hips hard, afraid he’d leave bruises, but she wasn’t complaining and he was so fucking close.  Then she leaned over, licked his ear, and whispered that she loved his dick, loved fucking him, couldn’t get enough, and he pulled her down and thrust upward one more time before he grunted and came deep inside of her.

 

She loved the feel of him, the sensation of his warm semen inside of her, the knowledge that she made him feel this way.  That this was their gift together, and it couldn’t be shared or taken. Before he could open his eyes, she leaned forward and kissed him deeply.  “I love you more than any person I’ve ever known, and I’m so lucky to have you,” she murmured. “I would do anything for you.”

 

He pulled her against him tightly, then rolled them over.  “I’ve always said I don’t believe in soul mates. But you give me reason to question that theory.”  He cupped her face. “You were made for me, I think, and I was made for you. Jewel got it right.” They both laughed softly.   “And I’m not kidding when I tell you that I will be here forever.”

 

Gently he slipped out of her and headed to the bathroom.  She watched his ass because she could, and it was the best voyeuristic treat she’d ever seen.

 

Her phone dinged then, and she reached over to read the text message, hoping everything was okay with the kids.  She opened her texts, still smiling, until a single word looked back at her and ripped the smile from her face.

 

BITCH


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her hand came down then on top of his pillow and her head yanked up. Her eyes met his, wide and wild and terrified, and he nodded and reached for her to stroke her hair. “You’re okay, honey. It’s okay,” he soothed, moving toward her again as she began to cry. “It’s okay.” She gripped at his t-shirt and he pulled her closer until they were pressed against each other. Her face was buried against his chest, and he could feel her shaking. They stayed like this for a long while, until the shaking passed and they both were able to sleepily drift off again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for rape flashbacks and discussion of rape.

She blinked twice, the room fuzzy, as she tried to remember where she was.  Lying on her stomach, on the floor of her bedroom, the rug underneath her rubbing painfully against her skin.  She desperately tried to piece together what was happening as she heard him laugh under his breath. He then slapped her ass, hard.  “Guess what’s next, baby?” he sneered. Her hands were tied behind her back and she could taste the iron of her blood from the spot where her lip was split.  His hands were pulling and prying at her, then yanking her hips up a bit further. “You’re gonna take it, you little cockslut. I knew what you wanted from the first day I met you.  Thought you outsmarted me, huh? You’ll think of me every day for the rest of your life.”  

 

She tried to scoot away on her knees, but he grabbed the tie around her hands and pinned her, then she felt him shove his way inside of her.  Two long thrusts, tearing her, and she screamed until it went black…

 

“Honey...Ness...baby, you’re okay...it’s okay.”  She was panting, sweating, pawing at anything and everything in contact with her skin.  Rafael ducked as an arm flew at his face. He slipped out of the bed and said loudly, “Vanessa.”

 

Her hand came down then on top of his pillow and her head yanked up.  Her eyes met his, wide and wild and terrified, and he nodded and reached for her to stroke her hair.  “You’re okay, honey. It’s okay,” he soothed, moving toward her again as she began to cry. “It’s okay.”  She gripped at his t-shirt and he pulled her closer until they were pressed against each other. Her face was buried against his chest, and he could feel her shaking.  They stayed like this for a long while, until the shaking passed and they both were able to sleepily drift off again.

 

It was the third time in two weeks.

 

***************************************

“If you want me to take this seriously, then you’re going to need more evidence,” Rafael snapped at Benson and Carisi.  “Until then, my hands are tied.”

 

Caris cocked his head to the side.  “And what would you suggest we do, counselor?  We’re at an impasse.”

 

“Re-canvass.  Re-interview. Rework the crime scene.  Any of those would be options, wouldn’t they?”  Moving behind his desk, he sat down, then held the manilla folder up without even glancing at them.  “To be honest, I don’t have time for this.”

 

Benson and Carisi glanced at each other, and Benson cleared her throat.  “Carisi, could you give me a minute?”

 

“Gladly,” Carisi huffed and turned to leave the ADA’s office.

 

Once the door was closed, Liv took a seat across from him at the desk.  “Wanna talk about it?”

He was clicking his pen over and over again, tongue pressing into his cheek, still staring down at the paper in front of him.  Slowly, he said, “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about.”

 

“Rafa,” she started gently, “You and Vanessa are going through something--”

 

“And we’ll get through it,” he finished, maybe more firmly than he meant to, but she stopped talking and sat back in her chair.

 

The room was quiet for several minutes as he continued staring at the paperwork and she continued staring at him.  Finally he sighed. “I heard Hurst made bail this morning.”

 

She nodded.  ‘Well, you knew they wouldn’t hold him for forever.  I’m impressed it took him this long. How’s Vanessa doing with this?”

 

He shrugged.  “To be honest, she’s all over the map.  Some days it’s like everything is normal, and others she’s distracted, quiet, someplace else.  She’s still insistent Hurst didn’t rape her, even if he crossed the line in other ways…”

 

Liv nodded again.  “It’s got to be hard for her, knowing about the videos now.”

 

Rafael looked at her confusedly.  “What videos?”

 

Liv closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  “I thought she would have told you. I’m sorry.”

 

Rafael was white-knuckling his pen, staring at Liv’s face.  “There are videos of what? What are you telling me, Liv?”

 

She was shaking her head now.  “Rafa, you need to talk to your wife.  I’m so sorry. You know I can’t tell you any more...I broke confidentiality just now…”

 

He rested his head in his hands, elbows on the desk, and exhaled slowly.  “Could you just leave me for a bit? I need some time alone.”

 

She slowly stood and made her way to the door, then paused.  “Rafa, I can’t imagine how hard this is on her, and you know how hard it can be to talk about.”

 

“Yes I do,” he said.  “Talk to you soon.”

 

He watched her leave the office and close the door, then leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

 

**************************************************

“Thanks for coming in,”  Mike Cutter motioned to a chair across from his desk.  “Please, have a seat.”

 

Vanessa took the seat across from him.  “So what did you need?” she asked.

 

Cutter sat in his desk chair.  “I just wanted to touch base with you regarding the Howard case.  It appears that we may not need you to testify after all. There was a video of June included in the ones SVU found in Ryan Hurst’s closet, and it’s clearly violent and backs her story.  I’ll be surprised if this actually sees a courtroom.”

 

“So you think you’ll get him to take a plea?”  She felt as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.  If she didn’t have to testify over Hurst’s sexual proclivities, then her own indiscretions would probably stay under the radar.  It was the best news she’d heard in weeks.

 

“I’m hopeful.”  Cutter suddenly leaned over his desk, closer to her.  “But I need to ask you something. Are you sure you don’t want to pursue criminal charges against him in your own case?”

 

She shook her head again.  “I don’t know what he would even be charged for.  I consented to everything. Except the recording--”

 

“I understand he also bit you without consent.  That’s assault. We could charge him--”

 

“No.”  It was louder than she meant.  “I don’t want to pursue any charges.  I just want to put it all behind me.”

 

Cutter stared at her for a moment, strumming his fingers on the desk, and then slowly said, “You sure?”

 

“Yes,” she answered.  “Positive.”

 

“Okay, then.  I’ll let you know if we need you.”

 

“Great.”  She stood up and grabbed her bag.  “Just let me know.”

 

*********************************************

She pulled on the oversized Harvard t-shirt and took a running jump onto the bed, barely missing his feet, then crawled over to her spot.

 

“Jesus, Vanessa!” he snapped at her.  “Watch my feet! I need those.”

 

“Oh, you’re fine,” she laughed, then kissed his cheek.  “It’s all good. Everything is good.” 

 

“You’re  awfully happy tonight,” he observed.  “What’s up?”

 

“Well,” she began, fiddling with the hem of his shirt, “Mike Cutter asked me to meet him today.  He told me that they now have video evidence of June Howard’s rape so I will probably not have to testify.”

 

She was smiling, cheeks flushed, and he could feel the relief rolling off her in waves, but the niggling voice inside of him kept suggesting that she didn’t trust him.  At least not enough to tell him the entire truth. It was the only excuse he’d be able to come up with as the reason he said what he did next.

 

“I understand there are multiple videos of multiple women,” he said quietly, “including you.”

 

Her hands froze at the base of his shirt and her eyes widened, then moved to his.  “What are you talking about?”

 

“That there are videos of you and Hurst having sex.  You’ve known and you never told me about it.” He crossed his arms.  “It makes me wonder, Vanessa, what else you haven’t told me.”

 

She pulled back away from him.  “The videos aren’t relevant--”

 

“Not relevant?  To who? There is video evidence of him assaulting you, hurting you, and you forget to mention it?”  He heard the words coming out of his mouth and flinched at them.  _ But she keeps hiding things from you.  Has she always done this and you’ve just never noticed? _

 

Her eyes were large and tearful, her mouth opening and closing as though she were struggling to find the words she wanted to say.  

 

“Vanessa,” he said firmly, “I’m your husband.  We have always agreed to be honest with one another.  You holding shit back like this isn’t going to help anyone, you know?  And it makes me wonder why you don’t trust me. I’ve tried to be there for you in every way I could.  Am I missing the mark here? Is there a reason you don’t trust me with this?”

 

“I--I just--no, I do trust you.”  She was floundering for words. “I just--I didn’t think the videos were something I needed to share…” She pulled her knees to her chest.  “I didn’t want you to know...to ever see them.”

 

He shook his head.  “You know how important you are to me, right?  Do you have any idea how hard it is when you shut me out?”

 

She pressed her forehead to her knees.  “I’m sorry.”

 

He sighed heavily.  “Did you know about the videos when they were made?”

 

“One, yes.  Not the others.”  She reached for a pillow to pull against herself.  “I don’t want to talk about this, Rafa. Not now. Please.”

 

He shook his head.  “You never want to talk about any of it.  I hate finding out about things affecting you from other people.  Why does Olivia know things about my wife that I don’t? You kept me in the dark on purpose, Vanessa.  I understand this is uncomfortable and awkward, I do. It’s the reason I haven’t pushed before now. I kept thinking you’d open up when you were ready, or that you’d already told me everything.”

 

“I just found out myself about the videos a couple weeks ago,” she told him.  “I wasn’t trying to do anything that would hurt you. I didn’t want anyone to know.  It’s humiliating.”

 

“So what’s in them?” he asked.  “All I know is that they are sexual in nature.  I’m assuming it’s the two of you having sex?”

 

Her heart was beating in her throat, eyes clouded with tears, and she could feel her breathing becoming more ragged.  “I don’t even know, Rafael. I haven’t seen them myself. If you want to know what’s in them, why don’t you ask somebody at SVU?”

 

“Are they filing charges?”

 

She was trying desperately to catch her breath.  “No. I don’t want to at this point. I just want to put it behind me--”

 

His eyes were wide and round and she saw him bite his bottom lip.  “You can’t be serious.”

 

“I am,” she said shakily.  “And I thought you said this was my story to tell in my own time...my decisions to be made.  You said as a husband your job was to support me. Why are you so mad at me now?”

 

“I’m not mad,” he corrected.  “I’m frustrated. You just keep shutting me out and I don’t know why you don’t trust me.  I’ve done everything I know to do to support you and it’s still not enough for your honesty.”

 

“Because it hurts!” Her voice escalated and its sharp edge cut straight to his heart.  “It’s embarrassing, Rafa! It’s humiliating! I don’t want anyone to know those things about me, but especially you!  I don’t want you to ever see me like that. I don’t ever want you to see me being slutty and whorish and willing to do whatever anyone asks of me.  I don’t want you to see that I participated in somebody else hurting me and was okay with it. I didn’t want to lose your respect, okay?” Her voice broke and she lay down, burying her face in the pillow.  “I just never wanted to lose your respect and it’s too late now.”

 

He stared at her, head in the pillows and sobs wracking her body, and he wondered what in the hell he was doing.   _ Way to support, Barba, _ he thought, sliding across the bed closer to her.   _ She’s in pain and I’m exacerbating it. _

 

He rested a hand on her back.  “Vanessa,” he said quietly, stroking her back gently.  “Nessie. You still have all of my respect, sweetheart.  I can see how hard this is for you, how much it hurts. I want to help, but you have to let me”  He lay down and wrapped one arm around her. “I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved in my life.  Seeing you in pain hurts me too.”

 

They sat in silence for several minutes, until she spoke.  “I thought I was going to die.”  

 

The words escaped the pillow, and his breath caught in his throat.

 

“While he was raping me, he kept telling me how disgusting I was...that I was ugly and nobody would ever want me.  That I stank. That I was foul, nasty, dirty.” She shuddered. “He took his knife and carved into me. He told me it was like meat on a hook, that he could butcher me and then the world would see I stank like rotten meat.”

 

“He was evil, honey.  Just evil.”

 

“I’ve never felt pain like I did that night.  Never. He literally ripped me open.” She sniffled, and he stroked her hair.

 

“Please don’t shut me out,” he murmured, twisting her hair loosely around a finger.  “Please.”

 

She exhaled and shuddered again.  “There was so much blood everywhere.  I thought I was gonna be raped to death.

 

“But you weren’t.  Thank God you weren’t.”  

 

She rolled over to face him for the first time in several minutes.  Her face was flushed and streaked with tears, and she was squinting due to the lamp being on.  “Rafael, don’t you see? If I didn’t trust you, you would never see what you’re seeing right now.  You would never see me with this gaping, raw wound in my soul.”

 

“All I want,” he said softly, stroking her cheek, “is to help you heal.”

 

She nodded gently, then lay her head on his chest.  “Please don’t give up on me.”

 

“We don’t give up on each other,” he murmured.  “We’ll be okay, Nessie. I promise we’ll be okay.”

*******************************************

Carisi downed the last of his cold coffee, the third cup he’d had this night.  

 

It was quiet in the evidence room.  He’d told Benson that he would stay late to log more of the videos in the Hurst case.  Each video had to be viewed by at least two detectives, notes taken, and reports written up.  They still had four more women they needed to identify. So far they had identified five, including June Howard and Vanessa.  The other three women had claimed the interactions were consensual, although two said they had no idea they were being filmed.  Ryan Hurst was definitely one of the more disgusting perps they’d caught recently, that was for sure.

 

Carisi pushed the flash drive into his computer and opened up the video, expecting more of the same, Hurst’s masculine, neutral-colored bedroom with a woman handcuffed to the bed.  Instead, he saw a bedroom he didn’t immediately recognize. A queen-sized bed was the focal point in the room, but so far it was empty. He could hear voices off camera, and one he recognized quickly as Hurst’s.  Hurst was directing his partner to lie nude on the bed, face up, and a moment later a young woman came into camera range and carefully spread herself across the bed as directed. Sonny paused the video and zoomed in on the woman’s face, hoping to be able to print it out for identification purposes.

 

He didn’t need to, because he could identify her immediately.  It was a younger Rayden. A younger Rayden who was being filmed outside of Hurst’s apartment.  Sonny sat back, staring at the screen, and then dialed Benson’s number.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Video fallout.

Benson rounded the corner and entered Interrogation One.  The blinds had already been pulled and the speaker system turned off.  Carisi was at the table with his laptop in front of him, along with a notepad, a pen, and an old cup of coffee.

 

“Here,” Benson handed him a fresh cup, then set her things down and sat in the empty chair next to him.  “So you’re sure it’s not the same background?”

 

Carisi nodded.  “I’ve been through most of them, at least briefly.  This background only shows up in this particular video.  None of the others.”

 

“What about the other videos we have of Rayden?  Is it consistent with those?”

 

“No.”  He picked up one of the flash drives.  “This one has four separate videos on it.  Two are of her, and all four videos have the same background--Hurst’s bedroom.  The one in the laptop right now, it’s different.”

 

“Could be a hotel room,” Benson mused.  “Okay, go ahead and play it.”

 

Carisi hit the play button and the two of them sat in silence, watching the screen, until Benson sucked in her breath.  “Holy shit,” she said, moving closer to the laptop. “That’s Vanessa’s bedroom!”

 

Carisi pressed pause and looked at his lieutenant.  “Are you sure? I mean, I’ve seen their home and it doesn’t look like this.”

 

“No, no,” Benson waved her hand.  “Before. She had a one-bedroom apartment back then.  I only know because I did some victim advocacy work with her, checking on her, hooking her up with resources.  I’ve been in that bedroom.” Her eyes met Carisi’s. “That means he illegally filmed her. We can get him on that.”

 

Carisi found himself grinning.  “Son of a bitch is gonna go down for something after all.  It’s about damn time. I know she says she consented to this...whatever it is...but it doesn’t look consensual.”  

 

“What do you mean?  Does she tell him no at any point?”

 

Carisi hesitated, fast forwarding the video.  “No, she doesn’t, but look at this--” He stopped the video and enlarged a shot of Hurst’s hands around Vanessa’s neck, choking her.  They could hear soft sounds of gurgling and gasping under the louder, sharp words coming out of Hurst’s mouth. “You love it like this, don’t you, you little slut?  Want more, don’t you?” They watched as Hurst held her in a chokehold, then suddenly let go, and Vanessa’s body collapsed onto the bed.

 

Carisi glanced uncomfortably at Benson.  “You can’t’ tell me that was consensual, Liv.  He almost killed her. You can see the marks on her neck in the video.”

 

Benson looked from Carisi to the video.  “Is there more like that?”

 

“Well, yeah…” he forwarded the video toward the end.  Hurst had moved his body up against Vanessa’s. “Watch this--”  As Vanessa lay gasping for air, Hurst leaned down and bit her breast.  She cried out and he laughed.

 

“Yeah, she told me about that.”  Benson shook her head. “I just don’t know that we’ll be able to do anything more than a charge for the recording without permission.”  She stood and gathered her things. “Let me know if you find something else, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Carisi agreed.  “Hey, wait a sec...if you have a minute, can you look over the report I wrote up on the Howard case?  Since it ties in with this one…”

 

“Sure,” she agreed.  “Go grab it.”

 

Carisi left the room to retrieve the report and Benson grabbed his notepad, reviewing what he had written so far.  Carisi had really come into his own. He’d always been clever and eager to please; it had taken a bit of time for him to brush up on his understanding of relationship dynamics and how to work with victims.  But he was getting there, and often showed insight that even seasoned detectives struggled with. And despite the fact that he knew both Vanessa and Rafael, she had the utmost confidence in his ability to maintain professionalism and confidentiality.

 

“You like it like this, don’t you?”

 

She spun around, trying to figure out where the voice was coming from.  Glancing at the door, she saw it was empty; a moment later her eyes settled on the previously empty laptop screen.  

 

Eric Shaw’s eyes were staring at her, a nearly inhuman grin swallowing his face.  His hands were clasped tightly around a neck.  

 

Benson moved closer to the laptop, slipping into the seat previously occupied by Carisi.

 

“Smile, darling.”  Shaw yanked Vanessa’s face in front of the camera as her eyes widened and she clawed at his hands.  “Ready to play?” Shaw suddenly tossed Rayden’s limp body onto the bed behind him, and quickly crawled over to her.  “Wakey wakey!” he sung loudly, dumping a large bottle of liquid over her face, and Benson watched as Rayden came to, gasping for air and pawing at the bed around her.

 

“Hey Lieu, it’s just about done--” Carisi took two steps in to the interrogation room and froze, as Benson swung around in the chair.  His face recovered quickly, but not before she saw the color begin to drain from his face. 

 

She quickly stopped the video on the laptop.  “Looks like there’s more than just Hurst on this particular drive,” she said, then nodded to the door.  “Close that, will you?”

 

He nodded, then shut the door behind him, and somehow slumped into a chair at the table.

 

“I would hazard a guess that the whole assault is on here.”  She closed the laptop. “I only saw about sixty seconds before you walked in.  If you would prefer, I can put someone else on this--”

 

He shook his head.  “We both have already started it already.  We might as well be the ones who see it through.”

 

Benson nodded.  Softening her voice, she said, “But not tonight.  We’ve done all we are going to do tonight. We’ll pass it on tomorrow to the powers that be, as far as Hurst’s case.  But there is nothing that can be accomplished at 3 a.m. that can’t be accomplished at, say, ten in the morning.”

 

Carisi stared at her heavily for a moment, then slowly nodded.  “I guess you’re right.” His gaze fell to the laptop, then back to his lieutenant.  “You think she has no idea it was recorded?”

 

Benson sighed heavily.  “To tell you the truth, Carisi?  I don’t know what she thinks anymore.”

 

******************************************

“But Momma!  I not even COLD!”  Lucy crossed her arms and refused to put on her jacket for the umpteenth time, and Vanessa counted to five in her head for the umpteenth time, too.

 

“Look, Missy,” she retorted, not as kindly as she should have, “you can either put it on and go with me to meet Papi for lunch, or you can keep it off, and we’ll just have lunch here.  And if we have lunch here, I can PROMISE you it isn’t pizza.”

 

“But I WIKE pizza, Momma,” Lucy whined, slipping into her jacket.  “Hand?” She held her small, pudgy hand out for Vanessa, and Ness took it gladly, then headed out of the apartment.

 

Some days she wondered why she had chosen to stay home so much with Lucy, and on difficult days, she wondered if it was the right decision at all.  She admired--no,  _ adored _ \--her daughter’s spunk, even when it made life difficult.  But with everything going on lately, she was tired. She was tired of explaining, of justifying, of feeling the guilt and the shame that seemed to follow her everywhere.  She was tired of feeling like a liar to her best friend, and tired of feeling like no matter what she said or did, there was something else at play in the room. Neither of them had acknowledged it, but it was there.  She could tell in the way he looked at her, how he touched her, that his thoughts and feelings toward her were changing. But he hadn’t said a word.

 

She was lost in her own thoughts as Lucy babbled on about everything she saw on the street until the squeal of “PAPI!” brought her out of her reverie.

 

Rafael bent down closer to the sidewalk and held his arms open, dropping his briefcase next to him.  His grin was bright as he scooped up his little girl and squeezed her tightly. Vanessa smiled to herself, watching them, until her eyes focused just beyond them.  Mike Cutter was quickly making his way down the street in their direction.

 

She stepped toward Rafael and Lucy, squeezing Rafael’s bicep.  “Hey,” she greeted, and he kissed her cheek.

 

“Hey Mami.”  His smile was soft and warm, but there was concern in his eyes, and it made her heart quicken.

 

“Vanessa!  Rafael!” Cutter walked up to them, then smiled at Lucy, who pursed her tiny lips.  “Hello, sweetheart,” he greeted her, then turned his attention to the adults. “Sorry to interrupt.  There’s been a change in your case, Vanessa. I tried to call you earlier but wasn’t able to reach you--”

 

“I was at the library with my daughter,” she said defensively, as if she had to have some excuse not to take his call.

 

Cutter shook his head.  “That’s fine...I just need to meet with you as soon as possible...I don’t know if you have time this afternoon.”

 

She shook her head.  “I can’t. I have Lucy all day and I can’t bring her to a meeting like that--”

 

“We have a slow afternoon,” Rafael interjected.  “I bet Miss Carmen would love to visit with Lucy for a little bit.  What do you say, mija? Wanna come play with Miss Carmen for a little while, while Mami and Papi go talk to Mr. Cutter?”

 

“Pizza first, Papi.” Lucy nodded.  “After pizza I pway wif Carmen?”

 

Vanessa crossed her arms.  “She needs a nap, Rafael.”

 

“No I don’t!” Lucy popped her bottom lip out.  “I not even very tired, Momma!”

 

“She’ll be okay--”

 

“Her whole routine will be thrown off!”  She heard herself and was ashamed of the sharpness in her voice, at the shrill nag in it, but she couldn’t stop herself.  She could feel what was coming like the weight of a freight train. They’d found something. Cutter said HER case, not THE case.  They’d found something in those goddamned videos.

 

Rafael turned his body so his face was closer to his wife’s.  Lowering his voice, he said, “I know you don’t want to do this, but we have to.  I’ll be with you. Let’s just get it over with, okay?”

 

When she didn’t answer, he turned back to Mike and nodded.  “We’ll see you around two.”

 

Cutter nodded at both of them.  “Two o’clock,” he confirmed, then headed back toward One Hogan Place.

 

Lucy pressed Rafael’s cheeks between her hands.  “Pizza now, Papi?” she asked sweetly.

 

He kissed her tiny palm.  “Yes, of course.” Turning back to Vanessa, he reached over and pressed a hand to her back.  “C’mon, honey. Pizza for everyone.”

 

**********************************************

“I told you,” she hissed at him as they made their way toward Cutter’s office.

 

They’d hardly made it back to Rafael’s office when Lucy fell asleep on her father’s shoulder, drooling on his suit.  He’d laid the little girl on his couch as Vanessa stood back, arms crossed again.  

 

“We’ll be in Mike Cutter’s office,” he told Carmen, then guided his wife by the arm toward the elevator.

 

“This is great, Rafael.  She’s going to wake up and be confused and not know where the hell she is, or who she’s with--”

 

“Ness,” he said calmly, “we told her she’d be with Carmen.  She knows her--”

 

“And you better hope she remembers what you told her when all she could think about was pizza.”  They stepped off the elevator onto the third floor. “I swear to God this is the most ridiculous thing.  I can’t believe you’re making me do this when I need to be taking my kid home and putting her down for a nap.  She’s two freaking years old--this is asinine…”

 

The door opened before they touched it, and Vanessa drew back.  Jack McCoy stood in the doorway. Mike Cutter was behind his desk, and stood when he saw them.  “Hey, Vanessa,” Jack greeted her. “Rafael.” Jack nodded. “Please, come in.”

 

Rafael nodded toward Jack and stepped forward, hand on Vanessa’s back, but she didn’t move.

He turned around and met her eyes, and he swore he’d never seen such fear in his wife’s features before.  Not when she’d been shot, not when he’d been injured, not when she’d worried about their children. Never.  

 

“No.”  She said it quietly but firmly.  “I’m not going in. I don’t want to.  I won’t do this.”

 

Rafael scanned the faces of the two other men, both of whom looked sympathetic, even pained.  He turned back to Vanessa. “We have to, sweetheart,” he murmured quietly, trying to encourage her gently.  Always before, she had taken his hand when he’d offered it. Always, she had trusted that he would be there and his protection would be enough.  “We’re going to be okay,” he reassured, meeting her gaze steadily, but this time she shook her head.

 

“This isn’t about you,” she said, and at once he knew it was true, and he could no more guarantee her protection than he could guarantee a miracle.  The realization hit him hard, and his hand suddenly dropped from her back to hang uselessly by his side.

 

“Vanessa.”  McCoy’s voice was steady, empathic, but firm.  “Nobody wants to do this. But this is a conversation we have to have.  And we need to have it now. It’s up to you whether Rafael is here or not, but you need to come inside.”

 

She was staring at Rafael’s hand, the one that had been on her back, and he suddenly realized that they weren’t physically connected anymore.  He quickly reached for her arm, and stroking her shoulder, he said quietly, “Whatever you want, baby. Whatever you want. You tell me and I’ll do it...whatever you want.”

 

She managed to meet his eyes with her own, and he watched her eyes cloud over with tears.  “I don’t want to do this alone’..”

 

His hand slipped down her arm to take her own.  “Then you won’t,” he reassured her. “You won’t, ever again.”  And he followed her into the room.

 

***********************************************************

She hadn’t said much.

 

They had offered her the option to view the flashdrive herself; she had said no, not at this time.  Just like that. “No, not at this time.” He knew she was in shock.

 

He knew she didn’t remember the entire assault.  She’d admitted as much in the meeting. She also knew at this point SVU strongly suspected Ryan Hurst knew Eric Shaw and had somehow coordinated her assault.

 

She sat through the entire meeting, listening to the evidence, listening to their plan for prosecution, listening to how the case would now go to the feds for investigation and eventual prosecution.  Assaulting an agent was a federal crime. McCoy had been in touch with Whitnauer earlier that morning, and they would make sure it was handled with the utmost attention and discretion.

 

She had shaken their hands and thanked them, then let Rafael guide her out of the office.  She hadn’t felt this dissociative since the rape.  

 

She watched him kindly but firmly gather their daughter up quickly, explaining that they needed to go home and Momma needed to rest.  He had spoken briefly to Carmen in a hushed voice before guiding them downstairs and into an uber. At home, she had wandered into the bedroom, stripped off her clothes, and climbed into the shower.

 

He had come to get her a half hour later, just as the water was turning cool, and helped to dry her off and dressed her in sweats.  He started to pull her sweats out, but she had objected. “No,” she told him firmly, “I want the Harvard ones.”

 

“They’re dirty--”

 

“I don’t care.”  Her voice was squeaky, high pitched, and he had kissed her forehead before grabbing the Harvard sweats she had worn the night before and helping her into them.  He had tucked her into the bed and tried to interest her in some television, but she had burrowed under the blankets until everything was warm and dark and there was nothing else.  After awhile she didn’t feel his hand on her back anymore and then she didn’t feel anything.

 

She woke late that evening, as he was trying to quietly climb into bed.

 

“You okay?” he asked quietly, smoothing her hair back.  “Are you hungry? I can heat something up--”

 

She shook her head.  “I’m not that same person,” she told him.

 

“I know, honey.”

 

“No, you don’t.”  She grabbed his forearm and pulled him closer, and as he saw the tears in her eyes he thought his own heart might break.  The look in her eyes was desperate, painful. He knew she wasn’t rational right now, but all he could do was reassure her to the best of his ability. “I’m not her anymore,” she insisted.  “I’m not that.”

 

He kissed her hand.  “I know, Nessie. It’s okay, honey.”

 

She shook her head again.  “You’d never hurt me like that, would you, Rafa?  You’d never hate me that much, would you?”

 

Her fingers were digging into his forearm; he reached around to stroke her face with his other hand.  “No, baby,” he whispered, kissing the tears on her cheeks as he felt his own fall. “I would never, ever hurt you like that.  But listen to me, sweetheart. It doesn’t matter who you were or what you did. He had no right to touch you without your permission.  Nobody had any right to film you without your permission. And nobody ever has the right to shame you. Ever, Vanessa.”

 

Her face contorted in shameful tears as she shook her head.  “I’m so ashamed, Rafael...I’m so fucking ashamed. You can’t love me...you shouldn’t…”

 

“Sshh,” he whispered, gently giving her butterfly kisses.  “ I’ll always love you, bebita. I promise. And you deserve every bit of love you get, querida.  Every bit, sweetheart.”

 

He eased his body behind hers and wrapped himself around her.  She was cocooned in the safety of his arms, and they cried together.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa prepares to search for herself.

“So?”  Rafael stopped putting the laundry away and faced his wife, who was hanging up her phone.

 

She sat down on the bed.  “So. They want to meet with me this week to decide if and how to pursue the case.”  Her eyes dropped to her phone and stayed there for an extended period before she looked at him again.  “Rafael, after that...if I can, if it’s okay, I need to go away for a few days.”

 

He finished folding his jeans and tucked them into the dresser.  “I can look at my calendar,” he responded. “It might be tight, but I should be able to take a couple of days...where do you want to go?”

 

She was watching him, biting her lip, and he suddenly understood that she hadn’t meant go away with  _ him. _

 

He sighed suddenly, then shook his head.  “I don’t think you going away alone is a good idea.  You’ve had too much coming at you. It’s been incredibly intense and emotional.  You need support right now, honey, not isolation. You need your family. I know that’s different than how you’ve dealt with this in the past, but I’m here...the kids are here, our friends are here, our family--”

 

“Your family,” she corrected, and he stopped and looked at her again.

 

“Fine.  My family.  My mother, who has tried her best to treat you like a daughter.  I know she’s not your mom--”

 

“It’s not about that.”  Vanessa sighed, then stood up.  “I know this is uncomfortable and it’s the reason I haven’t mentioned it.  I know you and I tend to be a little...well, enmeshed. We tend to function tightly together, especially during tough times.  We learned to do that in witness protection, and believe me, I’m still grateful for that lesson. Incredibly grateful.” She started to cross her arms again, then stopped and shoved her hands deep in her pockets.  “Rafa, I need to know I can somehow depend on myself again.”

 

_ But you don’t have to, _ his mind said.   _ I’m here.  I can protect you, I can comfort you.  I can take care of everything you need, everything you want… _

 

He swallowed hard, knowing the rational truth in her argument.  “Okay,” he said, picking up another pair of jeans to fold. “Just tell me what you need from me, and I’ll do it.”

 

She reached over and took the jeans out of his hands, pushing her body closer to his, and wrapping her arms around him.  “I know you will,” she told him, pulling him into a tight embrace. “You love me more than anyone ever has. I know you’ll help me figure out how to take care of myself again.”

 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and pressed a kiss to her ear.  “You bet.”

*****************************************

“So we have your statements to NYPD, your rape kit, and the video.  We’re doing a little research at this juncture to decide how we can charge him.”  The federal prosecutor, some guy named Cristo, sat back in his chair and crossed his arms.  Whitnauer was seated beside her, and she felt more annoyed than she had in awhile.

 

“Great,” she told him.  “Is there anything else you need from me? More statements? More time? A kidney?”

 

“Rayden.” Whitnauer said it under his breath, but she knew his meaning.  It was the same tone he used every time she threatened to say something inappropriate.  

 

Whitnauer turned to Cristo.  “I think there are also larger issues here that you may need to be looked at by the bureau.   First and foremost, why has it taken eight years for anyone to connect Hurst and Shaw? Ryan Hurst was known to all of us as a witness in this case, and he clearly had connections to Eric Shaw.  It shouldn’t have taken this long for your investigators to figure it out.”

 

“That was before my time,” Cristo responded smoothly, and Vanessa suddenly hated this guy.  “But I will definitely share your concerns,  _ Bob. _ ”  He began to stand, as did Vanessa, but Whitnauer did not rise.  Instead, he leaned forward over the desk and fiddled with Cristo’s nameplate.

 

“Luis, huh?” Whitnauer picked up the nameplate and moved it around in his hands.  “I don’t think you understand. I’m sitting next to an agent who has given over ten years of her life to the bureau.  She did a three year stint undercover, catching everyone from white collar criminals in positions such as yours to serial rapists and murderers. When she joined us as a profiler, it was  for one of the most prolific units in Manhattan. Three years ago, she saved the life of a New York ADA and ended up in witness protection for over eleven months. Now she’s a consultant for the bureau and one of our most sought-after agents.”

 

Cristo’s jaw flexed as he sat down again.  “What are you trying to say to me, Bob?”

 

Whitnauer stilled his hands around the nameplate and met Luis Cristo’s eyes steadily.  “I’m saying don’t think you’re going to give this agent’s case anything less than a hundred percent.  We expect to know before we leave today if investigators are on this case and when we can expect an update, as well as what charges you’re considering.  A pat on the head isn’t going to cut it here, counselor.”

 

Cristo sat back in his chair.  “All right, then. We are currently investigating Hurst’s link to Shaw.  The detectives have a couple of leads they’re tracking down regarding the two men knowing one another prior to the assault.  I can’t speak to charges until we know more. I would, however, like to reconsider charging Hurst with illegal recording. That’s a start.”  He turned to face Vanessa. “Additionally, we could make a strong case of assault for when he bit you. I understand you still have a scar?” Noting her hesitance, he exhaled and added, “And I’m sure you’ve both been around the block enough to know that it’s hopeless to charge anything in a sexual assault case without a victim or complainant.”

 

Vanessa could feel her fingertips gripping her own thighs.  “I’m here, aren’t I?”

 

He nodded.  “Good. We’ll be in touch.”

*****************************************

“But Momma,” Max said, crawling on top of her half-filled suitcase, “it’s YOUR week with me.  Aren’t you gonna miss me? I could go with you so you don’t get lonely.”

She stopped folding and looked at him.  His jeans were getting too short again. It seemed like no matter how often she bought him pants, they were too short within a few weeks of the purchase.  He was already taller than most boys his age, and his feet grew even faster than his legs. And now his hair was longer, curling around his ears and growing over his eyes.  He kept brushing it back with his hands. She had meant to take him for a haircut but hadn’t gotten to it yet.

 

“Of course I’m going to miss you, baby.”  She took a seat next to him on the bed. “You and Lucy and Lola and Rafa.  All of you. But sometimes,” she reached over and tucked his hair behind his ear herself, “everyone needs some time alone.”

 

He was chewing on his bottom lip, something he always seemed to do when he was thinking things over.  “Is this because of the bad guy who hurted you?”

 

She felt her breath catch in her throat.  She knew it had been in the news a bit, particularly because of June Howard’s case being linked to her own.  However, to the best of her knowledge it had hardly been front page news. No one had mentioned any press coverage, and she hadn’t been approached by any reporters.  In an effort to protect the kids, they had kept the news off in their own home and Rafael had been mindful to keep the newspaper away. “What did you hear about that?” she asked, almost afraid of the answer.

 

“My friend Cory said you gotted hurt and he wanted to know if you were okay.  So I asked Daddy. He said it was a long time ago and you were okay now. But that it sometimes makes you sad to talk about it.  And Daddy said sometimes you had to talk about it now because you were helping some lady.” He met her eyes. “Daddy said that’s why you cry sometimes.”

 

She sighed and put his little hand in hers.  “Your dad’s pretty much right. I’ve been trying to help a lady who also got hurt by a bad guy who might have been friends with the bad guy who hurt me.  So it’s hard to explain, but also hard to talk about, because I don’t like thinking about being hurt.”

 

Max’s eyebrows went up.  “The bad guys were friends?  Are they gonna come back?”

 

“No,” she said firmly.  “One of them is dead and the other one is in jail.  Nobody is coming back, okay?”

 

He nodded.  “I still don’t want you to go.  How will you get hugs and kisses if you need them?”

 

She smiled at him gently, then tousled his hair.  “I’ll have to facetime you at Daddy’s so you can send them to me over the phone.  How’s that?”

 

“Okay, I guess...but make sure you call Lucy and Rafa for ones too.  They’ll miss you a lot. Rafa will miss you so much. He kisses you all the time.”

 

“I will,” she promised, “trust me, that’s not one Momma could ever forget.”

************************************************

“I know it’s good for you to have some time alone,” he murmured as she kissed his jaw and stroked his chest.  “I get it, I do...but I’m still going to miss you.”

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and her lips pressed against his ear for a long moment.  He slid his hand under her tee shirt and stroked her back.

 

Turning his face to her, he gently rubbed his nose to hers.  “No apologies, honey. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re taking a break, a breath.”  His eyes were so close to hers that he could see his own reflection in them. “I’m just going to miss you.”  She smiled gently and he added, “I just said that, didn’t I?”

 

“Rafael.”  Her lips met his softly, and then they were kissing purposefully, trying to say everything that their words seemed to simple to convey.  When her hands began to wander his body, he wasted no time pulling her thin nightclothes off, and when he slid two fingers inside her, she quickly spread her legs and wrapped them around his hips.  

 

_ I want you to know I still need you.  I want you to know you’re my everything.  I want you to know I’ll always be back. I’ll always be waiting for you.  I want you to know you belong with me, in this space, this space I made only for you. _

 

Their lovemaking was quiet so as not to disturb their sleeping children.  Quiet, comforting, needed. He marked her neck repeatedly as he thrust; she bit his shoulder as she came.  He arched deep and hard within her, telling himself they’d be doing this again in a couple of weeks, that she would be back, that she wasn’t running from, she was running to.

 

And as he was coming down, her tongue ran gently over the bite on his shoulder, and she whispered, “I love you, Rafael.  I love you.”

 

He responded softly and sleepily, “We’ll be okay.”

*****************************************

“No, Mommy!” Lucy was pulling at her bag as they stood at the airport check in.  “I go too! You no go wifout me!”

 

“Lucy,” Rafael’s voice was quiet but firm.  “Let go of Mommy’s bag.”  

 

“No!” The little girl stomped her foot loudly and Vanessa sighed, smiling roughly and taking her ticket from the agent.

 

“Have a good flight,” he said, shooting daggers through his eyes at the two year old who was now dangerously close to throwing herself on the floor.

 

Rafael reached over and scooped Lucy up while Vanessa pried the tiny hand carefully off of her purse.  “You’re all right,” he soothed his daughter as she began to scream shrilly, arching her back in his arms.  “Hey, mija...come on, baby, you’re okay.” Vanessa’s eyes met Max’s briefly, and he shrugged, then followed them over to a row of seats as Lucy continued to shriek.  Rafael carefully let her sink to the ground and tried to ignore the eyes glaring at them from all directions.

 

“I...go...wif...my...mah...mah!” she wailed impressively, and suddenly the fact that he could do absolutely nothing to stop his kid from her performance struck a funny bone in him, and Rafael grinned.

 

He turned to Vanessa.  “Impressive lungs,” he commented.  “Maybe she’ll be a singer. Or a coach of some kind.”  He realized too late that his wife wasn’t amused, and tears were filling her eyes.

 

“This is ridiculous,” she told him suddenly.  “I should just stay home. You have work. Max has school.  I’m being incredibly selfish to do this. Who does this anyway?  Who puts a trip ahead of their own children? What kind of a mother--”

 

“Vanessa.”  His hand reached out to her shoulder, then caught the side of her face.  “You are going. You need this. And a good mother does this. A good one.”  He gently pulled her forehead to his, and she rested it there quietly. Suddenly realizing she was receiving no more attention, Lucy stopped shrieking and sat up, looking at her mother and father.

 

“Hey Mommy, you cryin’?” she asked, wiping her own eyes.  “Issokay, Momma. Here, I give you kisses, okay?” The little girl squeezed her body between them and began to smack kisses to her mother’s chin, causing both adults to chuckle and pull apart.

 

“Hey Rafa,” Max interrupted suddenly, pointing to a stand near them, “can we get a piece of candy when we leave?”

 

“Go,” Vanessa told him.  “Two anxious kids need candy and it’s hell for all of us to sit here and wait.”  She could read the hesitancy in his green eyes. “Go on. I promise, it’s okay.”

 

“You sure?”  When she nodded, he nodded in response.  “Okay. Kids, give Momma a kiss and tell her see you soon.”

 

Max leaned over a hugged his mom.  “Bye Momma! Call me at Daddy’s, don’t forget.  Hey Rafa, can I get the red kind of candy over there?”

 

Vanessa reached for Lucy as Rafael negotiated candy strategy with Max.  “Bye my baby. I love you so much,” she told the little girl, kissing both of her cheeks.

 

Lucy gave a little shudder and blinked back new tears.  “I no want you to go Momma,” she whispered heavily, but Rafael gently scooped the little girl up.

 

“Mommy will be back in no time.  We love you so much, Mommy,” he said confidently, leaning over himself to kiss her cheek.  “We’ll talk to you tonight.”

 

Vanessa nodded, then impulsively leaned forward and kissed him soundly.  “I love you. Call you when I get there.”

 

He gave a firm nod and a smile, then carried Lucy over to the candy stand, where Max was examining the selections.  She picked up her bag and headed through the airport to go through security and find her gate.

 

************************************************

It was after eight when she arrived at the hotel.

 

The flight itself had been short, but renting a car at the airport had taken some time.  She had picked up dinner from an old favorite restaurant from her childhood before heading closer to the beach.  After a couple of checks on the GPS, she finally found the place. It was a relatively new hotel on the oceanfront, and she had a beachfront room.  As she signed in and got her key, she said a quiet thank you to God that it was the off season. The place must go for hundreds a night during the summer, she joked with the front desk staff.

 

He smiled.  “Almost six hundred at peak season.  We’re new and the amenities are pretty nice.  It’s probably good you’re here when it’s chilly, huh?”

 

She smiled and nodded, then thanked him and headed up to her room.

 

She hadn’t really talked to anyone but Renata, her therapist, about her plans for this trip.  Sure, she had told Rafael that she needed to take care of herself again, but she knew that was simplistic.  She and Renata had spent hours in therapy talking about her need to reconnect with a time when she felt safer and whole.  A time before she felt she had lost herself, before she had been dumped on the doorstep of her aunt by her narcissistic father.  A time before her sister had been lost to addiction. And a time before she herself had gone chasing dragons, only to be burned by one and still putting out its fires.

 

 All Vanessa had been able to think about was her mom.  Her mother had always made her feel whole, loved, valued.  Rafael reminded her of her mother in this way; he had always accepted her for who she was and loved her dearly.  She had never doubted his love, but she often doubted her ability to love herself in any way that mattered. She knew if she was ever going to get out from under this, she had to find a way to see a glimpse of what her mother and her husband saw.  If she ever wanted any peace at all, she’d need to see it, so she could let go of the shame of her own actions and the humiliation of what was done to her.

 

Renata had talked long and hard with her about this trip being time for herself; she was to journal every day, exercise, and eat well.  She was to revisit happy memories and make some new ones for herself. She had the task of trying to heal, trying to grow, and she hoped she was up for the challenge.

 

The only thing that had bothered her just slightly was how she had avoided discussing any of it with her husband.  She had kept the conversation from him to keep from hurting him, worrying he would feel left out or shut out. Or even worse, think she believed he wasn’t enough.

 

Picking up her phone, she sank down on the bed and used the facetime app to dial his number.  He picked up right away.

 

“Hey handsome,” she sighed into the phone, smiling at his bright green eyes.  “It’s me.”

 

*****************************************

“I miss my momma,” Lucy sniffled into his shirt as they hung up the phone.

 

“Me too,” he said honestly, “but Momma looks happy and she’s gonna come back soon.  Let’s go read your book. It’s time to go to bed, baby.”

 

A drink of water, a potty attempt, two books and five kisses later, Lucy was asleep in her bed, and Rafael found himself wandering the apartment a bit aimlessly.

 

To be honest, he didn’t really understand what Vanessa was hoping to get from this trip, because he didn’t understand why she was taking it at all.  She had said she needed some time, but he didn’t know why. Time away from the current situation? Time to think? Time to reconsider her choices? Time to rediscover herself?  Or--the nagging, quiet thought that kept coming back to him--maybe just time away from him. From them.

 

Maybe he’d pushed too far.  Maybe she resented him for that day in Cutter’s office.  Maybe she expected something different from him; maybe he was supposed to protect her better.  If it were up to him, he’d have ripped Hurst’s balls from his body. There was a part of him, a completely irrational part, that had fantasized repeatedly about prosecuting the son of a bitch.  About making him suffer. And in his darkest fantasies, about making him physically suffer some of the most horrific things he’d ever seen as a prosecutor. Hurst deserved it as much as Shaw had.

 

He slowly stripped himself down to his boxer briefs.  Vanessa liked this pair, he thought, distracted for a moment, and smiled.  They did fit nicely. He decided to sleep in them, and stepped into the bathroom to brush his teeth before climbing into bed.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her tears were flowing freely now, and she shuddered, feeling the sobs in her chest. “I just want to love myself, Mom. Why is it so hard to love myself? Why can’t I stop feeling so ashamed?”

Vanessa bent down and tied her shoe a little tighter before resuming her walk.  She’d made it out to the beach in time for the sun to rise, and was now drinking her coffee as she watched the small waves roll against the shoreline.  She’d been here for three days, and each morning was more beautiful than the last. The air was salty-smelling and chilly, and it reminded her of the times she and Rafael had sat on the beach outside of the bungalow.  She could still feel the acute pain of missing Max, of the fear she would never see him again. She could feel the silent desperation inside of her that she would be alone once Rafael figured her out, that she wasn’t lovable and certainly not enough for him.  But she could also feel his warmth, his comfort, and the quiet excitement of falling in love.

 

She had never experienced a love so true, so faithful, so loyal as his.  She had once asked him never to lie to her again, and to the best of her knowledge he hadn’t.  Sometimes life was painful and their conversations were hard, but she knew that for whatever reason, he did his best to love her fully.  What did he see in her that was so worthwhile, she wondered, sipping her coffee.  

 

Her mother had always told her she was kind and sweet, and that it was important to practice kindness.  That value had been instilled from an early age by her mother; she had learned about loving people from the woman who had loved her the most.  She had learned how sweet and comforting her mother’s love could be, and how good she felt when she was bathed in it. Vanessa had no recollection of her mother ever taking her anger or frustration out on her girls.  But her mother shut them out of her emotional life quite frequently. As an adult, Vanessa now understood the ravages of depression that her mother had struggled with. The memories she had been left with sometimes felt empty, but now she tried to cling to the idea that her mother had loved her the best she knew how.  Her mother had loved her as fully as she could, feeling so empty herself.

 

Her aunt had tried to ease the pain for both she and her sister, but she knew in her heart that she’d never recovered from her mom’s death.  It left a hole in her heart and she had spent decades trying to fill it. She had pushed hard in school to make her mom and her aunt proud, particularly after her sister became involved with heavy drugs.  Her focus on school and work had been terrific distractions.  

 

Terrific until they weren’t.  

 

She had managed to stay away from drugs, partly because of her job, but mostly because she had seen what had happened to her sister Autumn.  Alcohol had worked for Vanessa as a worthy distraction while in her twenties, as had occasional short term relationships. But she had never dabbled in kinky sex before she met Ryan, and right from the beginning she knew she could grow to enjoy it.

 

Perhaps she had been lying to herself.  She often wondered if she would have continued to explore that world without Ryan, if she hadn’t been assaulted.  Ironically, she had never been particularly sexually active before meeting Ryan, either. It wasn’t until she met Bobby that she felt she’d had a real, grown up relationship, even if it lasted less than two years.

 

Bobby had been like a magnet.  Watching him work, other people often were scared away.  Not her. She found him fascinating, from the way he expressed himself aloud as he thought out motive and profile tells, to the way he moved awkwardly in his body with the purpose of figuratively knocking his target off kilter.  He was an enigma, and her attraction to him was undeniable.

 

He was also the first man she disclosed to in her personal life.  It had come up in a conversation about why she didn’t do undercover work anymore.  And that night when they made love, he had made a point to tell her she was still very beautiful.  She had thanked him for his words, but internally couldn’t accept them. She didn’t believe he thought her to be beautiful to begin with.

 

The sex between them was almost always passionate.  The fact that they fucked like rabbits almost made her difficulty in having an orgasm more frustrating.  She faked it most of the time with him, and to the best of her knowledge, he thought she always came twice--once from his hand (or occasionally his mouth) and once while they had sex.  She had let him believe that lie throughout their entire relationship, because she had been too embarrassed to talk about it. She didn’t want to hurt him either. Bobby had struggled in relationships too, and she had always thought she would approach the conversation at the right time.  Unfortunately, that never seemed to happen.

 

Rafael had turned everything on its head.  When the sex was passionate, it was because they loved each other passionately.  When it was gentle, it was a soft, physical  _ I love you _ .  And for the most part, they talked about sex a lot.  She was rarely embarrassed with him. She believed him when he told her he thought she was beautiful, and she thought he was beautiful too.  And making love had become less about bodies and more about souls, about comfort, about communication.

 

She wondered then if he was getting ready for work and getting Lucy ready for the day.  Sometimes she would watch him with their little girl and her eyes would well up. Her own father had never played with her, or kissed her cheeks, or read her stories.  She had always felt like an inconvenience in her father’s world, and sometimes she felt like the words he’d called her--stupid, inept, ugly. But mostly, she felt invisible.  She tried to stay that way. It was safer.

 

Checking her phone, she saw it was nearly 7 a.m.  She headed back to the hotel for the complimentary breakfast, hoping that they had waffles.

 

*********************************************

“Papi, you do my pigtails?”  Lucy was looking up at him with big green eyes, holding two elastics in her chubby hand.  “I wike my pigtails.”

 

He sighed.  “Sure, mija, but then I have to go to work, okay?”  He nodded toward Matty, Max’s usual sitter at Bobby’s house.  “Remember, Matty is going to stay with you today.”

 

“Otay.”  

 

Rafael scooped his daughter up and deposited her on the kitchen countertop before reaching for the hairbrush.  “Sure you don’t want me to do it?” Matty asked, grinning. “I know you’ve got to get to work.”

 

“Nuh-uh, Matty!  Papi’s gonna do it.”  Lucy handed an elastic to her father.  “Wight, Papi? Because you wove me SO much.”

 

“Yes Lucy.”  Casting a glance at Matty, he said, “I will do it to prove that I love you SO much.  Work is highly overrated anyway. Why would I want to go to work when I could sit here and do your hair all day?  Wait--what--is that  _ food?”   _ He tugged as Lucy made a face, and pulled out a dried glob of something orange.  “What is this?” he wondered aloud, showing both Lucy and Matty.

 

“Sweet potato,” Lucy answered, as though it were the most logical thing in the world.  “I gotted hungwy and needed a snack while you sleep last night, Daddy.”

 

He would have hated to see his own face.  “So you put it in your  _ hair _ ?”

 

Lucy laughed.  “No, silly Daddy!  I putted it on my pillow.  It gotted in my hair when I sleeped.”

 

Turning to Matty, Rafael shook his head.  “Can you take care of this? I have a meeting in less than an hour.”

 

Matty nodded.  “No problem.” Picking up Lucy, he said, “Come on, kiddo, let’s go give you a shampoo mohawk.”

 

“No piggies, Papi,” Lucy sang.  “I gettin a hawk!” Then she leaned toward him quickly, nearly falling out of Matty’s arms, until Rafael reached to steady her.  “Kissies!”  

 

He kissed her quickly.  “Have a good day, mija. Be a very good girl for Matty, ok?”

 

He made his way to the door, exiting quickly, and feeling an entirely new appreciation for the energy his wife expended each and every morning.

 

Settled in his uber, he gave in to the impulse to call her, but after ringing for a half dozen times, he was sent to voicemail.  “Just calling to say hi and I love you,” he said as cheerfully as he could. “Hope you’re having a great day.”

 

Four more days.  He could do anything for four days.  Now he just had to convince himself to believe it.

 

********************************************

 

The cemetery was quiet, and she found her mother’s gravestone easily.  Carefully placing the new flowers she’d just bought into the vase, she spread out a blanket she’d brought and sat down on her knees.

 

It had been a long time since she’d been there.  She’d never brought her children here, or even Rafael.  She had rationalized it with the excuse that the kids were too young, but she knew the real reason.  It was still painful, and she’d have to answer questions she wasn’t ready for.

 

She could still picture that day, the way she and Autumn had come barreling through the front door, ready for cookies.  Her mom had said they’d have cookies for a snack that afternoon.

 

But her mom hadn’t made cookies.  She was in her bed, dead from suicide.

 

Autumn had called her.  “Nessie, c’mere!” She stuck her head out of their mother’s bedroom.  “Mommy won’t wake up.”

 

Vanessa had come into the bedroom and saw her mother lying in the bed, peacefully still and markedly pale.  She had reached out to touch her mother’s face, where there were tear stains.

 

“Does she feel funny to you?” Autumn asked.  “I think she feels funny.”

 

When the police left, she had made dinner for them all.  A box of mac and cheese, chicken, and some peas. “Daddy,” she had said, standing in the doorway of his home office, “dinner is ready.  I made it.”

 

He had stared at her, expression blank, before silently reaching over and closing the door, leaving her alone to care for Autumn.

 

“Hi Mom,” she began, and suddenly didn’t know what to say.  How do you possibly give a summary of thirty years?

 

“I miss you.  Still. Every day.  There’s been so much that’s happened...so many times I wished I could talk to you or ask your advice, or even just hug you.  I got married, Momma. And he’s wonderful, not at all like Daddy, and I know you would love him. We have a baby. Her name is Luciana Elizabeth--Elizabeth like you.  And you remember Max.” She suddenly laughed, self-conscious. “You probably know all of this.”

 

She reached over and picked a flower out of the vase and slowly traced the petals.  “I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Things I thought I could run away from or avoid long enough that they’d go away.  But they haven’t--they aren’t. And every day I feel like...like I’m a bad person for doing this stuff. Even though I’m different now.  It’s like there’s this voice in my head telling me that I’ll never get away from bad things because I’m bad.” She wiped a stray tear. “You never made me feel that way.  You always told me that Daddy was wrong about that, that I was a good girl who made you proud. I’ve tried, Momma. I’m trying now, so hard, to forgive myself for the things I did.  I’ve been ashamed for so long. And somewhere inside, I know, I  _ know-- _ I know I did those things because I wanted someone to love me.”  

 

Her tears were flowing freely now, and she shuddered, feeling the sobs in her chest.  “I just want to love myself, Mom. Why is it so hard to love myself? Why can’t I stop feeling so ashamed?”

 

As she pulled a petal off of the flower she was holding, she was reminded of a sunny day in spring shortly before her mother died.  They had planted a beautiful iris in the backyard. It had been Vanessa’s own flower, and her mother had helped her tend to it. Then one day, she had come home to find that Autumn and her friends had run over it while playing kickball.  She had been devastated, and for days had tried to plant and replant the iris to no avail. One afternoon, her mother had finally made her way into the backyard and sat on the grass next to Vanessa. 

 

“What are you doing, Nessie?” she’d asked, watching Vanessa dig and redig with her hands.  Her cuticles were bleeding yet again, but she wasn’t giving up.

 

“I’m gonna save this iris.  I’m gonna fix it.” The little girl stubbornly continued to arrange the broken roots in the dirt.

 

“Stop,” her mother had told her.  “It’s gone, honey. And you’re hurting yourself.”

 

“Momma...I gotta try…”

 

“Honey.”  Her mother had taken her hands in her own.  “It’s dead, sweetheart. And every time you dig this hole, you punish yourself for something that was never your fault in the first place.”

 

_ Never your fault. _

 

_ The rape was never your fault.  The video was never your fault. Your inability to perfectly predict behavior is not your fault.  And every time you blame yourself, you punish yourself for something that was never your fault in the first place. _

 

And now she really did cry, until she heard thunder clap and it began to rain heavily.  By the time she got back to her car, she was soaking wet and frigid, but felt the sweet peace of her mother’s comfort surrounding her.

 

Watching the rain, she couldn’t help but feel her mother was crying with her.

 

****************************************

He tried to call again.

 

Multiple times, really, but she wasn’t answering her phone, and after the fifth or so call he started to feel a little stalkerish.  It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since she had last facetimed him, but he didn’t know when he’d gone this long without talking to her in years.

 

True, he was a little worried, but to be honest, he knew she could take care of herself physically.  She always carried a concealed gun and was trained in its use. Hell, if it weren’t for her marksmanship he would be dead.  And she was sharp, always aware of what was going on around her. But all of that just made him wonder more.

 

He knew she’d gone back to her hometown; he had the name of the hotel  along with its address and phone number. He wondered briefly if she’d met up with some old friends, perhaps even an old boyfriend, or someone she knew in high school.  Someone taller, more attractive, with a better dad bod. Then he snorted to himself, because if there was anything he was pretty sure she wasn’t doing, it was having an affair with an athlete.

 

But she hadn’t called him back, and he couldn’t help but feel in his gut that she was disappointed in him, blamed him somehow.  It felt like they could never talk enough about what had happened, and it felt like all the talk was too much, too obsessive, too heavy.  Listlessly, he turned his phone over and over in his hand, thinking. He knew things had been hard for her, and that she was still struggling with her feelings of shame and embarrassment.  He didn’t blame her. Trying to imagine their regular sex life on tape for others to view was awful enough, but trying to imagine the things Ryan Hurst and Eric Shaw had recorded were horrific. 

 

In retrospect, he could see that she had been trying for weeks to convince him that she wasn’t the woman in those videos.  He could also sense she was hiding from him. There was something going on under the surface that reminded him of their first few months together, when they were comforting each other sexually but still hadn’t found a way to talk about what was important.  He remembered when they had been in the bungalow and he had found out Max’s third birthday had passed weeks before, and she hadn’t mentioned it. It had been too hard for her to talk about at the time. Maybe this was similar.  

 

His phone suddenly vibrated and he anxiously picked up, only to see it was Matty on the other end.  He had sent a picture of Lucy playing at the park, laughing. He smiled.

 

*************************************************

She’d lost her phone.

 

Somewhere between the cemetery and the rainstorm and the car, her phone went MIA.  She’d gone back to look for it during the storm but hadn’t been able to find it, and after spending a very wet ten minutes scavenging for it, she gave up and decided to come back the next day.

 

Now she was standing, soaking wet and shaking, outside of the house where she grew up.  Did he still live there? Did he have a new wife, a new family? Was he happy or as miserable as she remembered?

 

She had put this off for as long as she could.  For years. The last time she had seen him had been almost a lifetime ago.  She could still remember standing in her aunt’s door, watching him walk away from her, never looking back.  She had been as easy to discard as trash, and the sting of that feeling was still with her today.

 

She knew he was at the root of her difficulty in moving on.  Because deep down, he had taught her that she didn’t matter. He had taught her that good girls were quiet and obedient; they did their work and didn’t make trouble.  Bad girls asked questions, demanded answers, stood their ground. Bad girls didn’t follow the rules and did dangerous things. Good girls were meek and followed directions from men.  Bad girls were slutty and thought they were smart.

 

_ You think you’re so smart, _ he would say before spanking her, or backhanding her.

 

Carefully she knocked on the door and waited.

 

A moment later a young woman opened the door.  “Can I help you?”

 

“Yes,” Vanessa replied, with far more confidence than she felt, “I’m looking for Michael Rayden.  Is he here? I’m his daughter.”

 

The woman looked at her confusedly.  “I’m sorry,” she replied, shaking her head.  “We just bought the house a few months ago. You’re the daughter of Mr. Rayden?”

 

“Momma,” a little voice came from behind the woman, and she leaned down to pick up a small toddler.

 

“Um, yes...yes I am.  We’ve been out of contact for awhile.”

 

The young woman bit her lip anxiously.  “I don’t know how to tell you this...but I’m under the impression your dad died a year ago.  I’m so sorry.”

 

He was dead.  “It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”  Vanessa found the words rushing out of her mouth.  “Thank you for letting me know.”

 

“Of course.”  Vanessa turned to head back to her car, when she heard the woman again.  “Are you Autumn or Vanessa?”

 

She turned back around.  “I’m Vanessa,” she replied, as the woman followed her onto the lawn, still carrying her little one.  

 

“My parents were friends with your dad, that’s how I know of him.”  Nodding quickly, the woman said, “He’s buried in the same cemetery as your mother.  In the same area.” She eyed Vanessa once more up and down, then added, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

 

Vanessa opened her car door.  “Thank you.” She climbed in and shut the door, watching the young woman go back inside.  The sun was starting to go down and the air was chilly. This would have to wait until morning, she thought, but then maybe that would give her time to pull her thoughts together.

 

She started the car and headed back to her hotel.

 

*******************************************************

“You didn’t have to do this,” Rafael told Sonny as they both sat on Rafael’s couch, drinking scotch.  “It’s only a few more days.”

 

“Maybe, but I know you’re missing her.  Plus your kid loves me. She’s good for my self-esteem,” Sonny joked, then tilted his glass back for a nice swallow.  

 

“Yeah, she does seem to love you for some reason.”  He swished the scotch in his glass before taking a large gulp.  It burned going down, but it was a lovely distraction. “I think she loves you for your hair.”

 

“Nah, it’s because I’m wrapped.  She owns me, just like she owns you.  Vanessa’s gonna come back and Lucy will be wearing a crown while we scrub the embers from the hearth.”

 

“Ha,” Rafael responded.  “Cinder-fella.”

 

They both chuckled for a moment before silence settled over them.  Finally Sonny said, “How are you two doing, anyway?”

 

Rafael felt his throat tighten and fought back the tears welling in his eyes.  He hadn’t intended to talk about this with anyone, his insecurities in his marriage.  But the alcohol was loosening his emotions, and before he knew it, it had loosened his tongue as well.

 

“It’s been a struggle lately,” he admitted.  “I just can’t help feeling that she thinks I let her down somewhere.  That I should have fought harder for her in a variety of situations. And now, this...leaving…” He shook his head.

 

Sonny was looking intently at him, then suddenly closed his eyes as realization struck.  “You think she’s unhappy with you.”

 

He shrugged.  “I can’t blame her.  I just seem to flounder around, unsure of how to help.  Sonny, she has days she can’t get out of bed. Days where she hardly eats.  She’s tried to share, tried to talk, but I can feel that every word is incredibly painful for her.  And yet I keep pushing her, hard, to tell me what’s going on. It’s selfish. She probably thinks I’m a goddamn bully.”

 

Sonny finished his drink and set it on the table.  “I doubt she thinks that, Rafael.”

 

“Maybe not,” he replied.  “Maybe I think that. She deserves better than this...but I feel so left out of her internal life, you know?  We’ve always been there for each other. Told each other things we’d never shared with anyone before. I’m supposed to be her safe place.  Clearly, though, I”m not.” His face came to rest in his hands, and after a moment, Sonny heard a soft sob emanating from the man, and his body shook slightly.

 

“Hey, Rafael...it’s gonna be all right.”  Sonny moved closer and wrapped an arm around Rafael’s back, gently hugging him.  “She loves you. Anyone with eyes can see that, and that kind of love doesn’t change that fast.  It’s gonna be okay.”  

 

Rafael chuckled softly.  “That’s what I always tell her--we’re gonna be okay.  That’s my line.” He turned to face Sonny, and was surprised to see the care in Sonny’s expression.  Care for him. Sonny had always cared about him. Rafael knew that somewhere; hell, hadn’t that care been part of the reason he’d broken things off between them years ago?  But now, sitting next to a man he called his friend, he felt a warm comfort in knowing he wasn’t alone in dealing with his emotions. Sonny would listen. Sonny would care.

 

Rafael could feel the alcohol gently thrumming through his body, relaxing him along with his tears.  “Thanks, Sonny.” Pausing for a moment, he tried to smile. “You’ve always been so kind to me, and sometimes I’m not sure why.  I certainly don’t deserve it.”  

 

Sonny smiled and squeezed Rafael’s shoulder.  “It’s okay. We’re friends and I want to be supportive of you.  Sometimes we all just need a chance to talk.”

 

Rafael was gazing at him, into those blue eyes, and the memories of their short affair flitted through his mind.  How Sonny had always been gentle with him, always tried to support him. He’d been a generous lover and a kind friend.  Impulsively, Rafael leaned over and pressed his lips to Sonny’s.  

 

Sonny’s tongue touched his briefly and his hand moved to tangle into Rafael’s hair to guide the kiss.  It was soft and gentle, not the kind of kiss that Sonny’s memory usually related to Rafael. And as fast as it started, Rafael was pulling away and retreating.

 

“Jesus Christ.”  Rafael’s hand covered his own mouth and his wide eyes were staring at Sonny, as if trying to make sense of what had just happened.  “Fuck, Sonny, I’m so sorry. I’m so stupid.”

 

Sonny shook his head.  “It’s okay,” he soothed again.  “It won’t happen again. You don’t have to tell her.  I won’t. And it won’t happen again,” he repeated, as if that somehow erased the fact that it had.

 

“I love her,” Rafael said, his voice choking on the words.  “I’m her husband. I need to do better, Sonny. I”m so sorry.  I need to do better.”

 

Sonny nodded, eyes full of understanding, as his hand rubbed little circles into Rafael’s back.  “I know, Rafa. I know. And you will.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stop, Rafa...stop...whatever it is, it can’t be that bad,” she tried to soothe. “Jesus, you’re acting like you cheated on me.”
> 
> With the exception of his sniffling, the phone was silent on both ends, and Vanessa suddenly thought her heart was going to explode. “Rafael,” she said, low, “are you telling me you fucked somebody else?”
> 
> “No,” he said softly, “but I kissed him.” 
> 
> She heard his soft shudders, and she was torn between laughing and crying herself. “Kissed who?” she asked sharply, knowing her tone would probably upset him more. Why the hell not, she thought viciously for a moment. He deserves it.

She was dead asleep when the phone rang and scared the bejeesus out of her.  Grabbing it quickly, she answered, “Mhello?”

 

“Where the hell have you been?”  Rafael’s voice was a mixture of anger, fear, and relief, and she wanted to kick herself for not calling him when she got back.  She checked the clock. It was three a.m.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she heard herself babble.  “I lost my phone and it rained on me and I meant to call but I got distracted when I got back and everything is okay...I’m sorry, honey.”

 

“I’ve been worried about you,” he replied, and she swore he was pushing back tears.  “You didn’t call me all day.”

 

She sighed.  “I know and I’m sorry, baby.  I’ve just had my mind on other things…” She heard a sniffle, and then he blew his nose loudly into the receiver, and she held the phone away from her.  After a minute, she asked, “Are you all right?”

 

“I needed to talk to you.”  He definitely was sniffling, and she was pretty sure he was crying.  Something was up.

 

“Well, I’m here now.  Can we talk now?” She flipped on the light and lay back against the pillows.

 

He sounded whiny, even to himself.  “I wanted to facetime you. I miss your face.”  He felt a tear dripping down his cheek and wiped it away with a used tissue.  “I love your beautiful face. It makes me feel so happy and peaceful. Especially your smile.  When you smile at me, I feel joy in my soul.”

 

“Mmm,” she replied.  “You’ve been hitting the scotch tonight, huh?”

 

“A little,” he confessed.  “Because I missed you and I kept trying to call and I couldn’t get you so I got worried but I didn’t want to seem desperate so I didn’t call the hotel and just kept waiting but you never called so yeah.” He took a breath.  “I called all day, Ness.”

 

She felt her mouth turn up in a grin.  “Oh, you just wanted to facetime tonight so we could have phone sex.”

 

“No I didn’t!” he declared indignantly before she heard the sniffles start again.  “That’s not why I wanted to call you at all. I love you so much and I needed to hear your voice.”

 

She could hear his voice warbling.  “What’s going on, Rafael? You seem really upset.”

 

He was silent for several seconds and began to shred the tissue in his fingers while he thought about what to say.  “You’re gonna hate me.”

 

“What?  No I won’t.”  Vanessa reached over and tangled the phone cord in her fingers.  “Wait, did you go on ebay and buy more playbills again? I thought we agreed to discuss that.”

 

“Nope.”  He sighed loudly.  “It’s way worse.” He could feel his eyes filling with tears again.  “You won’t love me any more. I’m a horrible husband. A horrible person.  I don’t even deserve to be talking to you--” he began to cry again, and sobs emanating from his chest came through the phone and into her ear.

 

“Stop, Rafa...stop...whatever it is, it can’t be that bad,” she tried to soothe.  “Jesus, you’re acting like you cheated on me.”

 

With the exception of his sniffling, the phone was silent on both ends, and Vanessa suddenly thought her heart was going to explode.  “Rafael,” she said, low, “are you telling me you fucked somebody else?”

 

“No,” he said softly, “but I kissed him.”  

 

She heard his soft shudders, and she was torn between laughing and crying herself.  “Kissed who?” she asked sharply, knowing her tone would probably upset him more. Why the hell not, she thought viciously for a moment.  He deserves it.

 

His breath caught suddenly, and he sighed.  “Sonny,” he answered after several seconds. “He just came over to bring us dinner.  We had some scotch after Lucy went to sleep, and we were talking. Just about life in general, the stressors of it.  I was missing you. I just kept thinking about how hard this has been for you. How I’ve tried to be supportive but I never feel like I’m doing or saying the right thing.  I can’t fix this for you, and it feels so...I feel so helpless sometimes.”

 

She felt her own throat swell, and gulped down hard to fight back tears.

 

“Sonny is nothing if not a good listener when you need one, I guess.”  Rafael rolled the pieces of tissue together in his fingers. “I guess for a second it felt, I don’t know, comforting.”  He sighed heavily again, and wiped his eyes. “It was my fault, Ness. I leaned over and kissed him, but I pulled back immediately.  I apologized to him, and now I’m apologizing to you.”

 

She felt the tears dripping down her cheeks but didn’t move to wipe them away.  She couldn’t even think of what to say to him. Finally, she said, “Okay.”

 

He drew in a heavy breath.  “It’s not. I know it’s not, and it won’t happen again.  You deserve better, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

 

Suddenly, she said, “My dad is dead.”

 

She didn’t know why she blurted it out, or what she was expecting, but she heard him draw in another breath before he spoke.  “Vanessa...honey, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Yeah,” she said, and now the tears really started flowing.  “He died about a year ago, they said. Buried in the same cemetery as my mom.  I was there yesterday visiting her gravesite when I lost my phone. Apparently he was there too.”  She laughed. “Life is ridiculous.”

 

They sat in silence for several moments, with no expectation of words from the other, until he finally said, “Ness.  Let me come to you. Let me be there. Please.” He shifted and sat up on the side of the bed, phone clutched to his ear.  The room was still moving but it was a gentle sway now instead of a spin. “We need each other. I need you and you need me.  Mami can take Lucy for a few days. Please, honey.”

 

She watched her hand as she curled and uncurled the phone line in her fingers.  “Rafa,” she asked quietly, “are you sure I’m the one you want to be with? Everything with me is such a hot mess, all the time.  It’s because I’m such a mess that you kissed him, isn’t it?”

 

“No.”  His answer was immediate and firm, and she felt her eyes brim with tears again.  “I kissed him because I was drunk and missing you, and I was selfish and irrational.  You’re the one I wanted to be kissing. You’re the only place that’s ever felt like home.  It’s our hot mess, Ness. I love you and I wouldn’t trade our hot mess for anyone else’s peace, any day.”

 

She cleared her throat.  “I have some errands I’m running tomorrow, but I’ll be back at the hotel in the afternoon, if you want to join me.”  

 

“Okay.”

 

“I don’t know why I push you away sometimes.”

 

“We both do it,” he said, running his fingers over the pillow where she normally slept.  

 

“I want to tell you some things.  About me. About my family.”

 

He exhaled, eyes closed, and felt his heartbeat resume its normal rhythm.  “And I want to listen, to know. I always want to know more about you. You’re my person, you know.”

 

She laughed softly then.  “Yeah. Ditto for me.” She paused for a moment.  “I’ll let the hotel know to expect you, in case I’m not here.  It’s room 621. Overlooks the ocean, too, Rafa. It’s a pretty view.”

 

He smiled.  “You and the ocean.  I get the prettiest views no matter where I look.”

 

“You’re such a dork when you’re drunk.  I love you.”

 

“I love you too, hermosa.  More than I can say. But tomorrow I’ll tell you in person.”  

 

“Goodnight, Rafa,” she said quietly.  “I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Night, baby.”  He hung up the phone, still unclear as to how she could love him like she did, despite his ridiculous flaws and fuckups. But he was determined to try to make their marriage work.

 

She put the phone back in the cradle and turned off the light again.  She rolled onto her side and closed her eyes, ready to rest.

 

*******************************

“But Papi, I wanna see my momma too!”  Lucy’s bottom lip was quivering and her eyes glassy with unshed tears.  “I miss my momma! I miss her WOTS, Papi. Momma misses her baby girl too.  She says she wants to see me!”

 

Rafael bent down and picked her up, settling on the couch with her.  “She absolutely does miss you, mija. And we will be back in a few days.  Three sleeps, okay? Matty’s going to stay with you today and then Abuelita will pick you up this afternoon.”  He nodded toward Matty and said, “I happen to know for a fact that Matty is going to take you to the park today!  You’re going to have so much fun!”

 

Lucy lay her head against his chest and sniffled, reminding him of his own breakdown in the middle of the night.  “I just miss my momma. Will you tell my mommy dat I miss her very much?”

 

“Yes I will,” he promised, feeling his phone buzz in his pants pocket.  “And Mami and I will call you tonight to say goodnight, okay?” He pulled his phone out and saw it was from his uber driver, waiting downstairs.  “Okay, mija, Papi needs to leave now. Can I have a big kiss?”

 

Lucy began to cry in earnest as she wrapped her arms around her father and squeezed.  “Pwease can I go, Daddy? I be such a good girl. Pwetty pwease?”

 

He hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek.  “Not this time, ninita. I love you, and Mami and I will call you tonight.”  Together, he and Matty carefully pried Lucy off of his body and he grabbed his duffel bag.  “I love you, baby,” he said again as he opened the door.  

 

Lucy cried harder and reached for him.  “Papi!” she wailed. He blew her a kiss and closed the door, torn between feeling awful for Lucy and worse for Matty, who would have to calm her down.

 

He made his way downstairs to his uber.  In two hours, he’d be in Virginia, near the coast, and he would be that much closer to her.  To peace.

 

***********************************************

It didn’t take her long to find the gravesite.

 

It was two rows behind her mother’s, and just to the left.  As she approached, she saw a plain gravemarker on the spot, with his name, and she stared at it for awhile, hugging her jacket tighter around her.  The wind was gusty today, and the chill of the late fall air nipped at her.

 

“Daddy,” she said softly, “I’m here.”

 

She had written him a letter.  After Rafael had called, she was unable to settle back to sleep, so she had sat up and written out everything she had wanted to say.  All of the things she felt, all that she wondered, all she had been and who she was now and who she hoped to be. But now, standing at his grave, the need to read it disappeared.

 

“I was going to read to you,” she started, scuffing her foot in the grass.  “But now I don’t want to. I think you already know everything I wanted to say.  I got myself in some trouble awhile back, and it’s haunting me now. I did things I would have never done, accepted shit from other people I would have never accepted, if I hadn’t believed the things you said about me.  I believed you when you said Autumn was the pretty one, and that I needed to be smart because it was all I’d have going for me. I believed you when you said I wasn’t worth your time. I believed you when you said I was disgusting.”  She paused for a moment. “You know I was six the first time you told me that? Because I dripped chocolate ice cream on my dress? You told Momma I was disgusting and to clean me up.” She took a deep breath and sighed. “But you know what else you told me?  You told me I was just like my mother. And Daddy, I can’t think of a better compliment. I’ve spent my whole life mourning the loss of my mom, and I’m just now coming to realize I never lost her at all. She’s been part of me this whole time, just like you have.  It just took me a long time to understand that she didn’t want to leave me...she just was in so much pain.” She wiped a stray tear away, and continued. “You know I’ve been in a lot of pain, moreso lately. I’ve thought a lot about Mom, and being a mom myself, and how I might be hurting the people I love the most.  I thought if I hid the truth from them, I’d protect them. But I’m not protecting them--I’m hurting myself and bringing them pain as a result. And I can’t do that anymore. I won’t. I have two beautiful children now, Daddy...they are smart and lively and happy. They are secure and know they are loved. And I have a husband, a man who would never dream of calling me disgusting, or ugly, or stupid.  A man who treats me like a partner worth her weight in gold, and who loves my children unconditionally. A man who is nothing like you.” She smiled suddenly. “But in some ways, he’s very much like Momma. He sees me and he loves me exactly how I am, no matter what mistakes I’ve made, or how much I mess up.”  

 

She sighed heavily, and looked to the gray sky above.  It was peaceful, and she was suddenly filled with a quiet confidence that everything in her life would be okay.  The videos, the testimony, the assault--the only thing that really mattered was her family. The people she loved and who loved her.  They would all make it through. They would be all right.

 

“Not to be cliche, but I guess this is goodbye,” she finally said.  “My husband is meeting me and I don’t want to be late for him. He matters, Daddy.  I’m forgiving you today for all the shit you dumped on me, all this shit I’ve carried my whole life.  I’m giving it back. I hope somewhere in the afterlife, you’ve found peace. Everyone deserves that.” Stepping back a little, she shoved her hands deeper into her pockets.  “Goodbye, Dad.”

 

She turned and headed back to her car, lost in thought.  She was about to step off the grass, into the street, when her foot kicked something.  Glancing down, she suddenly froze.

 

Her phone lay at her foot, as sure as if it had just been placed there.  

 

She had searched all around this area the day before, in the rain, and hadn’t seen it at all.  Picking it up, she dusted it off and attempted to turn it on. It immediately came to life, and she saw she had multiple calls yesterday from Rafael.

 

Smiling, she tucked the phone into her pocket and climbed into the car.

 

**********************************************

She opened the door to her room and had never been happier to see him.

 

He was in a gray tee shirt and jeans, and he was wearing sandals, because they were at the beach and of course he was; it didn’t matter it was forty degrees outside.  He was sitting on the sofa, legs crossed and reclined on the coffee table as he scrolled through his phone. His eyes met hers as soon as she entered the room, and he quickly stood and put his phone on the couch.

 

“Baby.”  It was all he said as he held his arms out and open, and it was all she needed.  She flung her arms around his body, squeezing him tightly, and no longer holding back the tears.  She loved him and needed him, and whatever happened--no matter where their pasts, presents, or futures took them--he would always be her safe place to fall.

 

His arms tightened around her as he breathed her in and felt tears of his own.  “I love you,” he murmured again and again as he rubbed her back, stroked her hair, comforted her as well as himself. This was peace, he thought, taking in her scent,  This was love.

 

This was home.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She carefully cupped his face in her hands, stroking the corners of his mouth with her thumbs. “You see me and you love me for who I am. Even the scared, ugly, distasteful parts.” She leaned forward and gently brushed her lips against his once, then again, taking her time to nip carefully at his bottom lip. “I want to do better. I want to be a better wife, a better partner. An honest one.” Her eyes welled with tears. “I want to see me how you see me. Can you help me? Will you?”
> 
> He sighed, his own eyes tearful. “Oh Vanessa.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Of course I will. Bebita, I need the same things. Don’t you know?”

In all of their time together, Rafael knew he could count on one thing consistently; he would wake up loving this woman more than he had the day before.  Every moment together, positive or negative, only built his trust and faith in her. He only wanted to be closer, to understand her more, to be held more tightly in her heart.  “You’re my love,” he told her now, gently brushing the hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. “You’re the love that matters, Ness.”

 

As he wrapped his arms around her, she felt her body relax into his once again, and she pressed her lips gently to his temple.  “I don’t want to do this life without you,” she whispered against him. “I don’t know why I fight against trusting you. It’s so hard to be completely vulnerable like that.”  She pulled back slightly so that she could see his face. “Rafael, you’re the first person since my mom who has loved me completely. You accept me for who I am, even when I’ve hidden part of myself from you.”  She carefully cupped his face in her hands, stroking the corners of his mouth with her thumbs. “You see me and you love me for who I am. Even the scared, ugly, distasteful parts.” She leaned forward and gently brushed her lips against his once, then again, taking her time to nip carefully at his bottom lip.  “I want to do better. I want to be a better wife, a better partner. An honest one.” Her eyes welled with tears. “I want to see me how you see me. Can you help me? Will you?”

 

He sighed, his own eyes tearful.  “Oh Vanessa.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead.  “Of course I will. Bebita, I need the same things. Don’t you know?”

 

They held each other tightly for several long moments, relishing in one another’s warmth, before he finally guided her over to the bed.  They snuggled close together, and as he stroked her hair, he said, “Tell me, honey. Everything you wanted to tell me. I want to know it all.”

 

So she did.  She started with her memories as a child; of the love and the abuse, of how she came to faultily understand who she was before her mother’s death, and after.  And how she grew into that person. How she had fallen into Ryan Hurst’s trap. How she had lied to Bobby. And how she had come to trust Rafael, because he echoed the goodness she’d heard at her mother’s knee. 

 

How she was reconnecting to who she had been.

 

“You never cease to amaze me, querida,” he told her after, an arm wrapped snugly around her body, and she smiled at him.  He grinned back and rubbed his nose against hers. “You believe me, don’t you?”

 

“Yes,” she answered truthfully.  “Yes I do.” She slid a hand under his tee shirt to rest on his stomach, then asked the question she knew he’d been anticipating since he got there.  “Why did you kiss Sonny, Rafael? I know what you told me, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s more to it.” She sighed softly, then looked to his face.  “I guess I’m just surprised you let it happen.”

 

He was quiet for a moment.  “I didn’t let it happen,” he corrected her.  “I made it happen.” He turned to face her then, knowing his words were probably hurtful, but he wanted her to understand.  He could feel her flinch, and she wasn’t looking at him anymore, and seemed suddenly quite interested in a scratch on her arm.  “Vanessa,” he said quietly, “I have to own this for what it was. I was uncomfortable sitting with my own feelings, feelings about not being as supportive as you may have needed.  Sometimes I’ve felt like I’ve pushed you into conversations that you weren’t ready to have, or that I haven’t always respected the limits you’ve set. I’m sorry for that, when I do that.  It comes from a place of...I don’t know...anxiety, I guess. Fear. Fear that maybe I’m letting you down. That I really don’t know what to say or do, that I’m as clueless as my own dad was.  And Sonny was there when I was having a moment like that. And I made an impulsive choice to use him for comfort. I regret it. I regret it immensely. It was unfair to both of you. I’m going to do better, Ness.  Our marriage is the most important thing in my life. Our family means everything. If I don’t have you guys, what do I have?”

 

She was watching his face carefully, and he could sense her hesitancy.  Carefully, he squeezed her hand. He saw her eyes travel from his face to their intertwined fingers and linger there for a moment, and then she was climbing into his lap, straddling his waist and wrapping her arms around him.  “Nothing,” she breathed softly into his ear. “We need each other, Rafael. You’re my family. You’re the family that matters.”

 

******************************************

 

They napped, curled up under the blankets together, until late in the afternoon.  When she awoke, he was already on the balcony with a cup of coffee, sitting in one of the chairs with his feet up on the small table.  He had changed into boots and was wearing a sweater and a light jacket, and she had the intense desire to once again snuggle tightly in his lap.  Instead she slipped her own shoes on and grabbed a sweatshirt.

 

“Hey,” she greeted, and he turned to smile at her before sipping his coffee.  The waves were crashing and the sky was a wavering gray. “You mind if I sit on you again?”

 

He chuckled for a second, then held his arms out.  “Be my guest. Just watch out for the coffee.”

 

They sat together for awhile, watching the waves rolling up to the shoreline.  The smell of the salt in the air was thick, and she closed her eyes and breathed it in.  A moment later she felt him press a kiss to her forehead, then he wrapped his arms around her.  “Sometimes I miss it,” he mused, and she knew exactly what he meant. The bungalow. The solitude of the world they invented around them, one where they could escape from difficulties and inconveniences.  One that shut out everything that was intensely complicated and allowed them to choose what would matter in the moment. That world where they got to know each other, learn each other, and fall in love. A world that had nobody but Rafael and Vanessa, together against every other force that could drive them apart.  

 

His hand was gently stroking her hair.  “Sometimes I miss it,” he said again. “Then I look at you, and I think how much more I love you now than I even knew was possible then.  Or I look at the kids, or my mom, or my casework, and I realize how damn lucky I am. How ridiculously lucky.” She turned her face toward his then, and he cupped her chin and smiled.  “I have all of these chaotically beautiful things that I never even knew I wanted, and they’re the reasons I get up in the morning. The reasons I breathe.”

 

She pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of his lips.  “Chaotically beautiful,” she echoed. “It is that.”

 

“Yes.”  She burrowed her face into his chest against the wind once more, until his stomach gave a loud grumble and she started laughing.  “I’m hungry,” he finally acknowledged a minute later. “I’m trying to wax poetic but I’m hungry.”

 

“Let’s feed you, then.”  She stood up and offered him a hand.  “How fancy do you want to go tonight?”

 

Standing, he squeezed her hand.  “Casual. Something easy and quiet, where we can come back here and just be together.  Would that be okay?”

 

Gently kissing his cheek, she nodded.  “I think that would be perfect.”

 

******************************************

They made love.

 

Somewhere in the middle of their sandwiches, he had laughed at something she said, and his eyes had crinkled.  His face scrunched and his eyes crinkled, and she suddenly wanted him in the worst way.  

 

She always wanted him, and he her, but this was different.  She needed him to know how very much he brought joy and happiness to the corners of her life that didn’t always have any.  He was her husband and lover, but he was also her partner and friend in every way that mattered. He mattered.

 

She had nodded at his sandwich and said, “Get a box.  Now.”

 

And he had looked confused and said, “I was still eating…”

 

She laid a hand on his and raised an eyebrow.  “It’s time for dessert, babe.”

 

“I guess I can--” he started, looking for the waitress, and then looked back to her.  “Oh,” he said, and realization spread over his face.  _ “Oh.” _

 

They had boxed up and left quickly, walking side by side the block back to the hotel.  Vanessa had eased her body closer to his because of the chill in the air, and he wrapped an arm around her waist comfortably.  When they arrived at the elevator, he grinned awkwardly at her. “You sure about dessert?”

 

“Yes,” she answered, “very sure.”

 

They stepped into the elevator and it was quiet as they rode to their floor.  He followed her to their room, and she was opening the door when he said softly, “I know I fucked up, Ness.  I don’t expect this. I didn’t want you to think that’s why I came here...I need you to know that.”

 

Vanessa opened the door, then turned around.  Meeting his eyes, she nodded firmly. “I know.  I understand that.” He followed her in, and as the door shut, she turned to face him again.  “I don’t think either of us has ever done this together when we haven’t wanted to, for whatever reason, have we?  I mean, have you? Because every time I’ve ever had sex with you, it’s been because I wanted to.”

 

“I’ve always wanted to, also,” he clarified, reaching for her hand.  “I just...I don’t know, Ness. We tend to do this a lot when we should be talking instead.  I know you had a lot to say and I guess I just want to make sure you know I’m here to listen and support you.  The other stuff is fantastic and important and we’re good at it together--” he grinned again when she let out a soft chuckle “--but I especially don’t want you to feel like there’s any competition from anyone else.  Because there’s not.” He stepped toward her then and cupped her face, a thumb from each hand falling on either side of her mouth. “There never has been, Vanessa.”

 

“For me either,” she murmured, leaning toward one of his thumbs and kissing it gently.  “I just want to be closer to you, Rafael. All I want is for you to know that you bring so much happiness to my life.”

 

He made a noise in his throat, as though he didn’t believe her, and she reached for his face.  Holding it firmly, she said, “You give me joy every single day. I don’t ever want you to forget it.  I know you’re not a particularly joyful man. But you give joy to  _ me. _   You’d do anything to bring a small bit of happiness to me.  And I would do anything to give that joy to you. That’s why we work.”

 

His expression softened and he brushed a thumb once more over her lips.  “You really are sure, aren’t you?” he asked softly, and she nodded.

 

They took their time touching and tasting one another again, exploring in a way they hadn’t done in months.  “Hey,” he whispered, after pecking her lips as he rocked gently inside of her, “you’re my person. I love you.  You’re smart and funny and pretty, and you make good desserts.”

 

She bit his shoulder and he yelped, and they both burst into giggles.  “Fine,” she returned, “you make really good coffee plus I like how you smell.  Usually. And I like when you bathe and stuff. Plus you have a hot ass and you’re all angry and stuff in court.”

 

“Ha!” he retorted, “That’s passion, not anger...usually.  Okay, sometimes a little righteous anger.”

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

“You taste like salt and smell like coconut.”  He buried his nose in her hair and breathed deeply.  When had they stopped laughing during this? How had she known he needed this--this opportunity to breathe with her?  And suddenly, in this moment, he realized she needed that too.

 

“It’s the shampoo,” she told him as he rolled his hips firmly, and then she groaned.  “Good God. Sometimes it’s so nice to be away from everything heavy.” Her lips curled into a smile, and she licked his earlobe.  “Funny, you taste like an earlobe.”

 

“You’re a riot,” he told her.  “You should take this show on the road.”  He blew a raspberry on her breast, and they both burst into laughter again.  “Want a turn on top? You’re riding high anyway on this wave of comedic success…”

 

She gasped when he flipped them, then balanced and sank slowly down.  “You’re always so good at giving me a turn,” she teased, and watched his face take on a smile that softly echoed of pride.  “You’re also a good husband and the best friend I’ve ever had. I think I’d like to keep you around, if you’re okay with that.”

 

“You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried,” he grinned, then pulled her down gently for a kiss.

 

*****************************************************

The weekend passed in similar routine.  They paid another visit to the cemetery, and Vanessa pointed out her parents’ gravesites to Rafael.  They had stopped at a florist’s on the way to the site, and Rafael had picked up a lone iris to place on his mother in law’s headstone.  “That’s thoughtful,” Vanessa had said when she saw it, “but not necessary. I put fresh flowers out there the other day.”

 

“This is from me,” he told her.  “You said it was her favorite and I know it’s also one of your favorites as well.” 

 

When he placed the flower into the vase, he spoke.  “Elizabeth, I’m Rafael, Vanessa’s husband. I wish we could have met.  But I want to thank you for this wonderful woman. She’s the only person I want as a partner.  She’s more intelligent, funny, and beautiful than she realizes, and she tells me that’s because of you.”  He reached over, smiling, and placed a hand behind Vanessa’s head, pulling her closer. “Thank you for loving her, and I promise to try every day to love her fully.”  He kissed his wife then, gently and chastely, and her smile was wide when he pulled back.

 

They took walks on the beach and sat on the balcony, reading and talking and holding one another.  And on Sunday morning, when she got out of the shower, he was sitting at the desk with a grin on his face.

 

“Hey there,” he greeted, kissing her as she leaned in, “what do you think of extending our stay one night and going to the Outer Banks today?”

 

“I don’t know,” she hesitated.  “Lucy is with your mom--”

 

“Yep.  Mami can take care of it one more day.  I already checked. And guess what’s available for rental right now?”

 

She crossed her arms.  “That place must be cursed,” she muttered.  “I can’t believe it hasn’t been bought by now.”

 

He ignored her tone.  “Well, it hasn’t, and we can get it for a hundred bucks tonight.  I can change our plane tickets very easily. Yes or no, Ness?”

 

Secretly, she felt a thrill inside at the thought of going back there again.  Bursting into a grin, she nodded. “Yes. Let’s do it!”

 

He nodded back, matching her smile.  “Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll have it all set up.  You get ready, I’ll finish this, then we’ll pack and hit the road.  Coffee on the way.”

 

She laughed out loud.  “We are total dorks.”

 

“Such dorks,” he added, with a grin from ear to ear.  “Dorks who are gonna do it on that porch swing, in November, when it’s freezing.”

 

“Complete dorks,” he heard her add, “and if you get any swing action, I’m wearing your hoodie during.  It’s warm.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They climbed the few steps to the front door of the bungalow and she unlocked it, being careful to stomp the sand off her shoes before entering. Rafael was right behind her and did the same thing, then pulled the luggage inside. “Yep,” he affirmed before she could say anything. “Still the same.”
> 
> She put his laptop down on the coffee table and took her suitcase from him. “Isn’t that part of the charm, though?” she asked, heading toward the bedroom. “I mean, what would we do if we came back here and they’d actually remodeled or redecorated? We would both feel so disappointed.” She took a jump and landed on the bed. “See? Nice and cheap, just like when we lived here.”
> 
> “My wife is not cheap,” he teased before joining her on the bed. 
> 
> “Har har.” She smoothed her hands across the comforter. “What do you want to do first?”
> 
> He waggled his eyebrows. “Who, darling. It’s definitely WHO I want to do first.” She rolled her eyes as he kissed his way up her arm. “Isn’t that why we came here?”

“Do you want me to carry that one?” Rafael asked, with his duffel bag over his shoulder and Vanessa’s suitcase dragging behind him.  “It’s my laptop.”

 

She grinned at him.  He always volunteered to bring in  _ all  _  the luggage every time they went anywhere.  “Nope. I think I’ve got it.”

 

They climbed the few steps to the front door of the bungalow and she unlocked it, being careful to stomp the sand off her shoes before entering.  Rafael was right behind her and did the same thing, then pulled the luggage inside. “Yep,” he affirmed before she could say anything. “Still the same.”

 

She put his laptop down on the coffee table and took her suitcase from him.  “Isn’t that part of the charm, though?” she asked, heading toward the bedroom.  “I mean, what would we do if we came back here and they’d actually remodeled or redecorated?  We would both feel so disappointed.” She took a jump and landed on the bed. “See? Nice and cheap, just like when we lived here.”

 

“My wife is  _ not _ cheap,” he teased before joining her on the bed.  

 

“Har har.”  She smoothed her hands across the comforter.  “What do you want to do first?”

 

He waggled his eyebrows.  “Who, darling. It’s definitely WHO I want to do first.”  She rolled her eyes as he kissed his way up her arm. “Isn’t that why we came here?”

 

She crinkled her nose at him.  “I thought you were saving that for the porch swing.”

 

He shrugged.  “We can always go for two times.  We’ve got time. It’s only--” he checked his watch--”two p.m.  I think that’s a long enough recovery period for me.”

 

“Well,” she sighed melodramatically, “if that’s what you want…”

 

He snickered, then pulled her close.  “Bebita, there will never be a moment in this lifetime I won’t want to do that with you.”

 

She kicked her suitcase out of the way so it landed on the floor, and then kissed him fully.  “I like that thought,” she murmured as he slipped his hands under the back of her shirt. “Very much.”

 

**************************************************

They were lying in bed together, holding hands and watching each other’s faces.  It was late afternoon, and he felt the most comfortable that he had in ages. She was smiling softly at him, and his free hand was tracing the scar on her hip back and forth.  “You’re very beautiful,” he murmured into the quiet, then kissed her hand.

 

“It’s my happy,” she said softly, smiling.  “You bring out my happy.”

 

He felt as though his heart was expanding, tightening in his chest.  He didn’t know if he really brought her the tremendous happiness she was talking about, but he hoped so.  She certainly contributed to his.

 

Her free hand was gently tangling in his chest hair.  She seemed to love to do that, touch his chest, and it always made his heart beat a little faster when she did.  She was gently winding a couple coarse hairs around her finger tips, then letting them go, before stroking up and down from his sternum to his belly.  He felt content and sated and oh, so peaceful. “I think this place is magical,” he told her. “I wish it was ours for keeps.”

 

Her eyes were on his, looking relaxed and pleased.  “Me too,” she replied. “I think we should buy it.”

 

He chuckled before pulling their hands up and kissing the back of hers.  “Dream big, I always say. Can you imagine this being ours? We could come down anytime we had time off...the kids would get to know and love the ocean.  We could redecorate however we wanted. Except for the swing. The swing stays as is.” He winked at her then, and was rewarded with the light sound of her laughter.

 

“Well, I have it under good authority that the porch was reno’d not too long ago.  And I, too, am very fond of that swing. In fact, I’ll show you exactly how fond I am in a little while.”

 

“Still gonna want my hoodie?” he teased, scratching her back.

 

She nodded.  “I’m not a masochist.  It’s cold out there!” She cuddled closer to him and kissed him soundly, cupping his face with one hand.  When they separated, her thumb continued to stroke his cheek. “Seriously, Rafael...we could always talk to a realtor while we’re here…”

 

“Ness.”  He hated to burst the bubble.  “We just don’t have that kind of savings yet, nor that much extra in our budget.”  He squeezed her hand again. “Believe me, if I thought we could swing it, I would love nothing better than to buy this house for us.  For you.” A sweet smile covered his face, and his eyes were hazy. “So many good memories here...getting to know you, falling in love with you, making love...you remember when we made cookies and decorated the tree?”

 

She nodded, then giggled.  “I was just remembering when you were going to wear a polo shirt to our Halloween party!”

 

“Hey,” he objected good-naturedly, “I’m a work in progress!”

 

“Hmm.”  She pulled her hand away from his and wrapped both arms around him.  “I love your work, Rafael.” She nipped his earlobe. “What if I told you the money wasn’t an issue?”

 

He pulled back suspiciously.  “I’d say I want some of what you’re having.”

 

She shook her head.  “Haha. No, really.”

 

Still eyeing her, he repeated her words.  “No, really. What are you talking about?”

 

“Wellll…” She dragged the word out, then watched her own hand stroking his chest.  “My father had a life insurance policy on my mom when she died, and he put a third of it into a trust in my name.  I’ve never touched it. I never wanted to. The only thing I really would have used it for was school, and I worked hard and got scholarships that covered nearly all of my expenses.”  She looked at him now. “I guess I should have told you before now...but it wasn’t something I had ever planned on using. I had figured I would pass it on to you, if I died first, and to the kids.”  She sighed. “I never wanted to use it because it reminds me too much of losing her. And it kind of felt like a payoff from my dad, like some kind of reward for losing my mom.”

 

His hand had stopped moving and now rested on her waist.  “Are you sure you want to use it now? Besides, Vanessa...that’s your money.  You should really see a financial advisor and build your own portfolio some more.  You know yours is limited and you could benefit if you diversify…”

 

“Stop.”  She rested her hand flat on his chest now, and he became quiet.  “I’m not even sure how much is in there. It was nearly $250,000 when he opened it.  I’m sure there’s a little bit more than that now. See, it’s not millions or anything, but it might just be enough to buy this place...or close to it.  I could pick up more work to pay the difference. And you know the kids would love it.” She grinned at him. “I have this daydream of seeing you and Max playing a game of soccer on the beach, or building sandcastles with Lucy, or taking them to see the sand dunes, or the aquarium, or the lighthouses…”

 

He shook his head.  “This isn’t the first time you’ve thought about this, is it?”

 

“No,” she admitted quietly.  “No, it’s not.” She sat up in bed and waved her arm around.  “This here? Maybe this is our own little paradise. Maybe we should consider formalizing it.”

 

She watched as he purveyed the room, really looking at it, and she could tell he was waging an internal argument.  “Okay,” he finally said, pulling himself up into a sitting position. “Okay, we can check it out. But no promises, okay?  We both need time to really think this through.” She nodded confidently at him, and he added, “If you do buy this house, it will be yours.  Your deed. Yours alone. It’s your money.”

 

“Don’t be stupid.”  She hit him with a pillow.  “But that’s an argument for another day.”

************************************************

It was nearly midnight before they made it to the swing.  They’d spent the rest of the evening researching appraisals and listings, and considered what they wanted to offer.  The house had been on the market for months and the seller hadn’t had any offers, so as they ate dinner, they rolled the fantasy around in their heads again about owning a bungalow beach house.  “The kids would have to share a room for now,” Rafael had mused aloud. “Since there’s only two bedrooms and all. But it should work...it’s not their regular living space.”

 

“Maybe one day we could build another bedroom.”  Vanessa helped herself to another piece of cornbread.  It was delicious, even if she had made it from a box mix.

 

“And what, give the old one to the kids?” he teased, and popped another green bean into his mouth.

 

“I’m just saying there’s options.”  She swiped a bite of chicken off his plate.  “This is going to be so awesome. Incredibly awesome.  The best decision we’ll ever make. You’ll see.”

 

After dinner, they had sat together on the couch and read through some local listings, including the one for the bungalow.  “It’s just perfect for us. You know it,” she had said, then ghosted her hand over his crotch. “I know how you love that porch swing.”

 

He laughed.  “I should. I put it up.”

 

“Only after you took it down, remember?”  She suckled a hickey on his neck. “You did work pretty hard on it though.  And I was very grateful for your...sweat equity.”

 

He pulled her into his lap and slid a hand into one of her back pockets.  “You like my sweat equity, huh?”

 

“Yes.  It’s sexy as hell.”  She slipped her hands under the front of his tee shirt and pulled it up.  “Do you wanna get sweaty and prove my point?”

 

He snorted.  “Not particularly.  Besides, it’s November.”

 

She rolled one of his nipples between her fingers, watching it harden, before leaning down and sucking on the nub.  Tugging gently with her teeth, she heard him exhale heavily and felt the stiffening arousal in his sweats. “I love me a non sweaty, shirtless, sexy lawyer.”

 

He cleared his throat as she moved on to his other nipple.  “Well.” He squeezed her ass, then ran his hands up under her shirt, unfastening her bra.  “I think you’ve found one.”

 

She grinned at him, then rubbed her nose against his.  “That’s what I was hoping for.”

 

He slipped his hands into her hair then, pulling her close and pressing his lips firmly against hers.  “I love you,” he murmured to her. “I’m gonna make you feel so good, baby.” And with that, he deposited her onto the couch.  

 

Wasting no time, he slid to the floor and immediately tugged at her sweats and panties, easing them down her hips and off her body.  Vanessa bit her lip, watching him, and a sly smirk met her view. He placed a kiss on the inside of each knee, then slowly licked a path up her inner thigh before nipping lightly at her hip.  Watching her face, his fingers delicately traced over her sex before he slipped one inside, circling. “You’re all I want,” he murmured, before pressing his thumb against her clit. She sighed breathily, pulling one of her legs up to put her foot flat on the couch, and he leaned in and circled her clit with his tongue.

 

“Rafa.”  A moment later her hands were buried in his hair and his middle finger joined his index one, rhythmically pumping in and out as he licked and sucked.  She was tugging his hair and he felt himself grow even harder. Her tee was long enough, he thought, that she could make it to the porch swing without being indecent.  But he wanted her close when he got her there, because their motions would be limited and it was too cold to really have this kind of fun.

 

Her hips gently rocked against his mouth and fingers and he could hear her soft moans and hums.  He knew now, knew the sounds of pleasure she made and what to expect. He’d been listening to her, learning her, for nearly four years and those sounds were still the most exquisite ones he’d ever heard.

 

She tugged again, guiding his head up slightly, and he could tell she was close.  “Baby,” he said softly, “let’s finish this in the swing, okay? I’ve got a blanket for you.”  And he used his head to motion toward the blanket sitting in the chair.

 

She smiled slowly, eyes still sleepy and sex-ready, and he couldn’t help but mirror it.  When she stood, he wrapped the blanket around her waist, then kissed her deeply. “Go lay on the swing,” he instructed, tucking her hair behind her ear.  “I’ll be right behind you.”

 

“You better,” she warned him, arching an eyebrow.  “I’m practically buck naked.”

 

He laughed and swatted her on the ass.  “Go get comfortable.”

 

He watched as she headed toward the porch, then he went to the bedroom and stripped, before stepping into some old basketball shorts.  They’d be easier to deal with on that swing, he thought, smiling to himself before heading back toward the porch.

 

She was lying on the swing, still wearing her tee shirt, with the blanket draped over her hips.  The moon was bright and so were the stars, and he swore her eyes were shining as well as she played with her hair.  “Hey baby,” she said, soft and sweet, “got something for me?”

 

He leaned down and kissed her, the kind of kiss that he hoped spoke to her of his absolute adoration.  Pulling the blanket off her, he glanced over her body quickly, then covered it with his own. She helped him settle the blanket comfortably over them, then helped to ease his shorts down his hips.  Leaning up on his forearms, he placed tiny kisses over her ear and her jaw as she spread her legs to his hips and guided him inside.

 

As he slid inside of her, he rested his forehead against hers.  “Te amo, Nessie,” he whispered, “my beautiful best friend.”

 

She tangled her legs with his as he thrust slowly, the swing swaying with a slight creak under the weight of them.  She ran her hands up and down his back, then over his shoulders and chest. He was watching her, a look of relaxed focus on his face, and she could tell he felt good.  “You’re beautiful,” she whispered back to him. “So perfect, so good. I love watching your face. You look so happy, baby. I love when you’re happy.”

 

“Mmm.”  He shifted slightly, then pulled her leg up further for a deeper angle.  “This is a happy place. Remember how it wasn’t always happy? You made it better.  You made it happy for me. We make it happy for us.” He thrust more deeply and she gasped before clutching his shoulder.  “Vanessa.” His voice was a soft groan. “You feel so good, baby. I just wanna--”

 

She rolled her hips against his.  “That?” she asked as he grunted and thrust harder.  “You wanna do that?”

 

“God yeah.”

 

“You’re really good at that.”  Her hands ran down his back to his ass, squeezing and encouraging as he sped up.  “So good at that. Look at you. Do anything to make me feel good, wouldn’t you, honey?”  She arched into him, enjoying the sweet pressure of his cock as he thrust more fully into her.  “I love this with you. I always have and I always will.”

 

His thrusts picked up pace.  She found herself fantasizing about other nights, nights in the future where they might be alone and making love on this swing.  Holidays where they would laugh in this house. Sunny days where they would play on the beach with their children, laughing and happy and in love.  

 

“Baby,” he panted, and she suddenly realized she was nearly as close as he was.  She reached for one of his hands and pulled it between their bodies. He caught her silent signal and began to roughly circle her clit with his thumb.

 

She could see the strain on his face from trying to wait for her, and despite his intentions, tiny beads of sweat had gathered on his forehead.  She swore he was glowing.

 

“Come, baby,” he gasped before leaning down and brushing his lips across hers, “come for me.  C’mon, Nessie...come on.”

 

One more rough swipe of his thumb and she felt her body begin to shake and contract in pleasure, and she cried out, despite their location.

 

“Jesus,” he gritted out, “fuck, Ness...so good...I’m gonna--” and he clutched her fiercely as his own body spasmed with pleasure.

 

She was absolutely buying this bungalow.

 

************************************

They called the realtor the next morning and were able to meet with him, albeit briefly, before they needed to head back to the airport.  A motivated seller meant they might be able to get an even better deal. “Have you actually seen the place?” the realtor asked, “because it’s fairly...plain.  Not exactly updated, and there are properties nearby that have a lot of nice amenities. I have a lot of great other properties in that area that I could show you--”

 

“At this price point and on the ocean?” Rafael asked.  “We’re going to discuss this and we’ll get back to you asap.”  Glancing at Vanessa, he added, “And yes, we’ve seen it. In fact, we’re quite smitten with it.”

 

“Okay then,” the realtor had nodded, producing his card from his shoulder pocket.  “Here you go. Give me a call whenever you make up your mind.”

 

They were headed to the airport, still over an hour away, and both were deep in thought.  Rafael finally broke the silence. “Can I ask how much money your dad left you? And why you’ve never mentioned it?”

 

She sighed.  “When I was informed of the trust, it had over two hundred thousand.  Like I said, I haven’t stayed up on it. But the house is two forty-nine, so it may be workable.  And I didn’t tell you because I hate conversations like this. It’s awkward and now you’re gonna act like you’re stealing my money if you pee in the toilet there.”

 

“In all fairness,” he told her, “that’s kind of what it is.  This isn’t money we both are pooling together.”

 

She rolled her eyes.  “Well, in that case, make sure you take your shoes off and leave them at the door when you come inside MY house!”

 

**************************************

“MAMI!” Lucy squealed excitedly, tossing her sippy cup onto Lucia’s floor and throwing her tiny body against her mother’s legs.  “I misseded you guys so so SO much, Momma!”

 

Vanessa scooped her up, covering her face with kisses.  “I missed you too, baby. I’m so glad to be here with you and Papi.”

 

“Papi?” Lucy said, looking puzzled.  “Where’s Papi?”

 

“Right here, sweetheart,” Rafael answered her, dropping the bags in his arms to the floor so he could pick her up.  “Papi missed you so much, princess! Did you have a good time with Abuelita?”

 

“That she did,” Lucia acknowledged.  “She kept me going. It was a good reminder of the joys of being a grandmother.’

 

“Thanks, Mami.”  Rafael leaned over and kissed his mother’s cheek.  “We really appreciate it. We needed the time.”

 

“And you should take more of it,” Lucia said firmly.  “Besides, it gives ninita and myself more time together, and that’s always a good thing.  Right, Luciana?”

 

Lucy giggled and nodded, rubbing her cheek against her father’s.  “Papi, you’re scratchy,” she told him, then kissed his chin.

 

“That’s your mami’s fault,” he teased.  “She likes it when I’m scratchy. You ready to go home?”

 

Lucy nodded exuberantly.  “Bye bye, Abbee! Bye bye, Dinah!”  Looking around briefly for the cat and not seeing her, Lucy asked, “Abbee, will you tell Dinah I says goodbye?”

 

“I will,” Lucia reassured her.  “Be good for your mami and papi.  I love you, ninita!”

 

Vanessa hugged her mother-in-law firmly.  “Thanks again,” she said, and Lucia squeezed her arms before leaning in.

 

“No rush,” she murmured, “but any possibilities for grandchild number three?”

 

Vanessa’s brow arched, and Lucia laughed.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still reading, thank you! Hope you're enjoying this! I always love comments and/or kudos (who doesn't?), and I'd love to hear from you!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael reached over and wiped a tear from her nose, then wrapped his arms around her. He couldn’t speak, didn’t want to, but he needed her, and she clung to him as though she were drowning and he was the only life preserver in the ocean. As she pressed her face against his shirt and began to cry in earnest, he felt his own tears start again. He loved this little girl. He thought of her as a daughter. And now they had questions that had to be asked. Questions to his baby and his stepson that should never have to be asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Child molestation, child victims and child perpetrators. Please use your best judgment before reading. Thanks.
> 
> As always, I love kudos and comments, and appreciate your feedback!

“Go ahead,” Rafael said to Lucy, “ask her.”  

 

He was holding their sleepy daughter in his arms.  She was rubbing her big green eyes and yawning as he approached the bed with her.  Vanessa rolled over and raised her eyebrows at them. She smiled, unable to help herself.  Two a.m. Rafael in pajama pants and an old tee, with scruff and messy hair, was holding their sleepy toddler.  It was an adorable sight and she would never tire of it.

 

“I wanna sleep wif you, Momma,” Lucy said softly.  “I sleep wif you and Papi tonight.”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “Okay. Come here and curl up with Mami.”  Rafael gently laid the little girl down on the bed, and she scooted over quickly into Vanessa’s arms.  Vanessa leaned over and kissed her forehead, smoothing her hair from her face. “Mami loves you, baby. We missed you so much.”

 

Lucy yawned.  “I misseded you too, Mami.  And Daddy.” She wrapped her tiny arms around Vanessa’s neck and closed her eyes as Rafael climbed back into the bed.

 

“You’re wrapped,” Vanessa whispered to her husband, a smile taking over her face.  “Completely wrapped.”

 

He snorted softly.  “No, I’m just empathetic and kind.”  He pulled the comforter over himself.  “And tired. Incredibly tired.” He reached over and took his wife’s hand in his, laying it on his belly and gently stroking her fingers.

 

“Wrapped,” she whispered again, grinning.  They both were, and she couldn’t bring herself to care.

 

*********************************************

“Hey!  Wait a minute!”  Rafael opened his eyes to the sound of his stepson’s voice next to the bed.  “Everyone had a slumber party and didn’t invite me? You guys are mean!”

 

“And you’re nutty,” Vanessa laughed.  “Get in the bed or else I’m gonna toss you in!  And watch out for your sister!”

 

Rafael felt Max’s body land next to his with an  _ oof! _ , and he said a quiet prayer of thanks that the child hadn’t landed on him.  He peered through one open eye at his family. Max was climbing up to the pillow next to him; Lucy was looking at what looked to be one of his law journals; Vanessa was pulling on a tee shirt and sweats.  “Okay,” she said to the kids, “what’s it gonna be? Pancakes or eggs?”

 

He watched Max wrinkle up his nose.  “Rafa makes the pancakes, Mom. His are the best.”

 

She snorted.  “Look, mister.  Just because HE can make pancakes doesn’t mean I can’t.  I make perfectly good pancakes. If you don’t want my pancakes then I’ll make eggs and bacon--”

 

“Ooh.”  Lucy looked up from her book.  “I like bacon!”

 

“But Rafa’s pancakes are a special treat, right Mom?” Max argued, then reached over and shook Rafael’s shoulder.  “Hey Rafa, wanna make us pancakes?”

 

“Max!” Vanessa scolded.  “Don’t wake people up to make you pancakes.  That’s rude.”

 

Rafael chuckled to himself.  “Sure, Max. Give me a minute and I’ll get up and make pancakes.  But only if you help me.”

 

“Got it!”  Max nodded enthusiastically.

 

“I like bacon, Daddy,” Lucy added.  “Bacon, bacon, bacon!”

 

He turned his head to see Vanessa, who was looking right back at him, as their daughter continued to chant, “bacon!”, and they both cracked up.

 

************************************************

“Please.  Sit. Can I bring either of you anything? Water or coffee?”  Jason was being more formal than usual, and that fact made Vanessa feel uneasy.  Judging from the way Rafael was watching him warily, he sensed it too.

 

Rafael spoke for both of them.  “No, I think we’re good.” He waited until Jason had sat down across from them to say, “What’s going on?  Why are we here?”

 

Jason exhaled long and heavily.  “I need to update you on Lola’s...situation.  Things have changed over the past week.” He shuffled a couple of papers on his desk, then leaned forward.  “Last week, we found bruises on another child’s neck. When we asked how they got there, he said it was from Lola.”

 

Rafael sat in stunned silence.  He knew Lola was still prone to occasional violent outbursts, but to the best of his knowledge, she had never harmed a child.  It was beyond his realm of understanding how she could do this. And almost immediately, his second thought was,  _ I can’t allow her around our kids.  What if she hurt Lucy? She’s already jealous of her… _

 

“What kind of bruising?”  He heard Vanessa’s question but was slow to process it.  Did it really matter anyway?

 

Jason sighed again.  “From appearances and from what the child described, it’s a hickey.”

Rafael suddenly let out a massive sigh of relief.  Of course it was. Lola was almost twelve now, and she was probably just curious--

 

“We talked extensively to the child involved, and it seems this wasn’t a one-time event.”  Vanessa could hear the struggle in his voice as he continued. “And it also didn’t stop at kissing.”

 

“Wait, now,” Rafael interrupted, sitting up in his chair and inadvertently letting go of his wife’s hand.  “How old is this boy? And are you sure that he’s being honest?”

 

“He’s twelve,” Jason answered.  “And he is not here for treatment involving any kind of sexual abuse.  We do believe him, because Lola confirmed his story.”

 

Vanessa cleared her throat.  “How far did this go?”

 

Jason looked uncomfortable.  “From what they’ve both told us, they’ve had sex a handful of times.  They apparently had been disappearing during downtime hours--when they’re supposed to be in the rec room.  One would ask for a bathroom pass, and then the other would ask for one a few minutes later. They weren’t gone very long, obviously.  Both kids have reported that Lola was the one who initiated contact, and talked the other child through it.” He shook his head. “We’ve reported it to child protective services.  This is why I called you. Lola’s caseworker felt very strongly that she needs to be in an environment where she would receive more intense treatment, and where patients aren’t given as much freedom.  She’s been moved to Pine Crescent.”

 

Before he could stop himself, Rafael leaned forward, nearly onto Jason’s desk.  “You let them move her? After all the work she’s done here? And why in God’s name wasn’t she being supervised?  Even I know how important it is to keep an eye on her all the time! Do you know what this could do to her future?  She’s not off her probationary period yet. They’ll haul her back to court and put her in juvenile detention for this!  If she goes there, she’ll never recover--”

 

“Rafael.”  Vanessa’s voice was quiet and she took his hand in hers again, squeezing gently.  “She can’t be here anymore. She’s hurting other children.” She met Jason’s eyes again.  “Has she had sexual contact with anyone else?”

 

“Yes,” he confirmed.  “An eight-year old boy.”

 

“No,” Rafael said desperately, firmly.  “You’re wrong. We’ve seen her make vast improvements over the last year.  She’s come so far. I don’t believe she’s capable of this--she knows we love her--”

 

Jason shook his head.  “That’s not why this happened, Rafael.  This is the script in her head. It’s how she manages a variety of her feelings.  But at this point, she’s abusing children, and needs to be in a place that can keep her securely monitored 24/7 and do the type of intense therapy she needs.  And unfortunately, that’s not us. There are short amounts of time during the day and night that the children may be alone. And we don’t specialize in children who sexually assault other children.”  He paused, shaking his head again. “She just can’t function here right now, and I can’t allow her to be here.”

 

“She’s just a little girl.”  He felt tears clouding his eyes, and reached up with his free hand to wipe them away.

 

Vanessa squeezed his hand again, and then asked, “So where does that leave us?  And her?”

 

“Her caseworker has removed her from the adoption registry.  She won’t be eligible for adoption until they’ve sorted all this out.”  He glanced at Rafael, whose eyes were closed. “I don’t know when that will be, if ever.  To be honest, they will likely never allow her to be adopted into a family where she would have siblings.  It’s too much of a risk.” Awkwardly, he added, “There’s one other thing…”

 

“What is it?” Vanessa asked, even though in the pit of her stomach she already knew.

 

“You need to talk to both of your children to make sure she wasn’t inappropriate with either of them.”

 

“You’ve got to be kidding.”  Rafael’s voice was shaky, and he couldn’t help feeling that he was caught in the middle of a nightmare.

 

“Did she indicate that to you?” Vanessa asked, her own voice faltering.  What had she done? Who had she brought into their home?

 

“No,” Jason replied firmly.  “I asked, and she said the only person in your house she had ‘grown-up kissed’ was Rafael.  She said she knew he didn’t like that and had told her so. She was embarrassed and thought you might not love her anymore.  She also said she thought Vanessa wouldn’t love her anymore either because of this. I tried to reassure her that of course, she was loved by both of you.  But then she asked me why Rafael wouldn’t kiss her if he loved her. I can’t 

even begin to tell you how disturbing the conversation was.  But she did tell me she had never touched your kids, although she had thought about it.  She was afraid Vanessa would be angry if she touched them.”

 

“Oh my god.  Thank you God.”  Rafael heard Vanessa’s muffled response, and opened his eyes to look at her.  She was bent in half in the chair, tears rolling off the end of her nose. “I’m gonna puke,” she told them, and Jason grabbed his trash can to hand to her.  Rafael quickly pulled her hair back as she emptied her stomach.

 

“I’m so sorry for all of this,” Jason said sincerely, “Just like you, I had thought she was still making progress.”

 

Vanessa laughed hollowly.  “I invited her into my home with my kids.  I just wanted to believe we could heal her.  We love her, Jason. This is heartbreaking.” She felt a sob welling in her throat, and suddenly it exploded in an ocean of tears.

 

Rafael reached over and wiped a tear from her nose, then wrapped his arms around her.  He couldn’t speak, didn’t want to, but he needed her, and she clung to him as though she were drowning and he was the only life preserver in the ocean.  As she pressed her face against his shirt and began to cry in earnest, he felt his own tears start again. He loved this little girl. He thought of her as a daughter.  And now they had questions that had to be asked. Questions to his baby and his stepson that should never have to be asked.

 

“This new place...other than providing  24/7 monitoring, how will it help her? You said something about intense intervention?”  He was still holding Vanessa, her face on his collar. His shirt was wet from her tears.

 

“It’s a highly intensive intervention atmosphere for children like Lola,” Jason answered.  “They will work hard with her to change the behavior and impulse. It’s going to be a challenge at her age, but she’s bright and it’s possible.  She’s not an adult yet and her brain isn’t completely developed. At the very least, they will educate her about how harmful this behavior is to her victims.”

 

Victims, he thought.  Lola had created victims.

 

“Will we still be able to see her?  Write her?”

 

“I don’t know,” Jason answered honestly.  “I would hope so, but I don’t know. But I will be meeting with Lola’s treatment team on a weekly basis for now, and am happy to pass along updates, if you’d like.  And I believe they are planning to contact you in the next week. Right now the focus is on getting Lola settled into a new environment and setting up a plan for her treatment.”

 

“Yes, please give us updates.”  Vanessa sat up in her chair and wiped her eyes.  “We’d like that very much.”

 

“Did she ask for us when she left?” Rafael asked.  He felt a knot in his stomach, asking. The thought of Lola suffering yet another abandonment made him feel sick, but he wasn’t sure if asking about them made things better or worse.

 

“She asked that we tell you where she was.”  Jason nodded, then met Rafael’s eyes. “She wanted me to tell both of you that she loves you, and was sorry.”  He didn’t add the details of how Lola had tried to cling to him, screaming for Vanessa and Rafael, sobs ripped from her chest.  How she had screamed,  _ I want my momma and papi!  You call my momma and my papi!  They won’t let you hurt me. They won’t let you send me away… _

 

Vanessa was softly hiccuping now, and he handed her another tissue.

 

“I’m so sorry, you guys,” Jason said.  “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.  And I’ll be sure to call you with regular updates.”

 

“Thank you.”  Rafael stood and gently pulled Vanessa up next to him.  “I guess we’ll be in touch.”

 

*************************************************

“So Max,” Vanessa began, hating this conversation already, “you’ve really been working on your new lego set.  It looks mahvelous, dahlingk.” 

 

 Max giggled instantly at her voice, then nodded. “Yeah, but Daddy helped.  He did the castle part.” Well, no wonder, she thought, examining it closely.  The pieces were small and the design complex. They expected seven-year olds to do this?

 

“I’m so glad,” she responded.  “Daddies can be very helpful, can’t they?”

 

“Uh-huh.  And having two daddies makes you lucky, right Momma? ‘Cause you get more love.  Right?”

 

She hugged him and tried to breathe steadily.  “Both of your daddies love you to the moon and back, that’s for sure.”  She stroked his hair for a moment until he brushed her hands off, determined to continue building.  “Hey Max, I need to ask you something.”

 

“‘Kay.”

 

“Do you remember how we talked about how your body is your own?  And that it’s not okay for anyone to touch you if you don’t want them to--”

 

“And never in my privates.  Except a parent or the doctor if they’re helping me.”

 

“Right,” she confirmed.  “Has anyone ever touched you like that when they weren’t supposed to?  It’s really important that you tell me the truth, okay?”

 

She felt like she couldn’t breathe; the fear that Max had been molested by Lola was massive.  It felt as though it were sucking the life right out of her.

 

Max looked thoughtful for a moment.  “Nope. No, Momma.”

 

She let go of her breath and it came out with a whoosh.  “Okay.” She paused, then couldn’t help herself. “Not even Lola?”

 

Max wrinkled his nose.  “Nope. Not Lola. Not anyone, Mom.”

 

She exhaled again, more quietly this time.  “Okay. Okay, let’s build…”

 

Max carefully added two more legos before he said, “But I think she likes kissing.”

 

Vanessa froze.  “Who? Lola?”

 

“Yeah.  She wanted to kiss me like you kiss Rafa but I said girls are gross so she didn’t.”

 

Vanessa could see Rafael’s outline in the doorway, listening.  “Did she want to do anything else you didn’t like?”

 

“Uh-uh.  Just kiss.”  Max looked at her legos.  “Can we finish building now?”

 

“Sure,” she told him, handing him a lego.  “Just show me where they go.”

 

********************************************** 

 

They decided to have Lucy’s pediatrician do a brief exam.  

 

After, the pediatrician spoke with them briefly.  “Everything looks as it should. There’s no indication of any kind of molestation, but I’m sure you know as well as I do that not everything is going to show up in a physical exam.  Have you talked with her about this?”

 

“Not yet,” Rafael admitted.  “We talked with Max, but Lucy’s so young…” He glanced at Vanessa.  “I’m the one who wanted to wait until after the exam to talk with her.”

 

The doctor nodded.  “Well, I know you both have some experience in this, but I would recommend you have a professional therapist or an SVU detective talk with her.  She’s so young, it’s going to be a difficult interview. And I’m sure you both are aware as to how her answers could be influenced if the questions are asked by either of you.  Do you know anyone, or would you like me to refer you to someone?”

 

Vanessa shook her head.  “We know someone. We’ll set it up.”

 

**********************************************

 

“So Lucy,” Liv began, watching the little girl playing with a couple of dolls, “do you know why your mommy and daddy brought you here today?”

 

“Uh-huh.”  Lucy nodded.  “I s’posed to talk wif you.  You got questions and Papi says I got answers.”

Liv chuckled.  “I do have some questions.  I thought we could talk about Lola today.  Is that okay?”

 

“Sure.  I wike Wola.  She wikes to swing wif me at the playground.”

 

“That sounds fun,” Liv responded.  “What else do you two like to do together?”

 

“Play.  And watch movies.  I wike Booty and Da Beast.  Do you know that one, Wivvy?  It’s so good. Noah would wike it.”  She paused for a minute. “But Wola don’t wike it.  She says it’s baby.”

 

“Ah.  Sometimes people like different things, huh?  How do you feel when she says it’s baby?”

 

“Sad, ‘cause I not a baby.  ‘Cept Momma calls me her baby.  Daddy says it’s otay betause I always be my momma’s baby.”

 

Liv smiled.  “Sounds like you and your daddy talk a lot, huh?”  At Lucy’s nod, she continued. “Does Lola ever do anything that makes you sad or mad?”

 

“One time.”  Lucy reached for another doll.  “One time she gotted mad ‘cause I drawed on her picture.  So she spanked my butt. It hurted.”

 

“Oh wow.  I bet that hurt.  Did you tell your mom or dad?”

 

Lucy shook her head.  “No. I telled her NO HITTING and I gonna tell on her.  But then she cried and said don’t tell momma and daddy ‘cause they not gonna love her anymore.  She said she was so sorry and then she gave me hugs and kisses. And she gave me her tandy.”

 

Vanessa’s breath caught in her throat.  They were watching from the one-way mirror.  Rafael reached over and squeezed her hand.

 

Calmly, Liv asked, “Did Lola touch you anywhere else, other than a hug, and when she spanked you?”

 

Lucy shook her head, but did not make eye contact, and Rafael felt his stomach drop.

 

“Did her hugs make you feel funny?  Or did you want her to stop hugging you?”

 

Lucy shook her head.  “No, Wivvy. Wola gives nice hugs.  Squeezies. I wike them.”

 

“Did she spank you any more, Lucy?  More than that one time?”

 

“Uh-uh.”  Lucy combed her fingers through one of the doll’s hair repeatedly, then finally said, “She pulled my panties down and spanked my butt.”  Big tears filled her eyes. “I didn’t wike that. It maked me sad. “ She looked up at Liv suddenly, fear flitting across her features. “Are you gonna tell my mommy and daddy?  I don’t wike that kind of spanking. I don’t want them to spank me wike that!”

 

“Lucy, honey, your mommy and daddy are not going to spank you like that.  It’s not okay that Lola did. But I do need to talk to your mom and dad.” She grabbed another tissue and wiped Lucy’s face.  “Do you know your momma and daddy want to help? And they don’t want you to feel sad. They want you to feel safe. They love you very much.”

 

“Sometimes they spank me but not on my naked butt.  I don’t want people to hit my naked butt.”

 

“Do you think we should tell them about this together?”  Olivia handed her another doll.

 

“Otay.  Will Wola get into trouble?”

 

Liv shook her head.  “No, but the adults need to know so they can help Lola learn that’s the wrong thing to do.”

 

Lucy nodded.  “Otay. But you tell momma and daddy no spanks?”

 

“Yes,” Olivia assured her.  “We can tell them that.”

 

Liv stood up and crossed the room.  She knew that it had taken every last bit of self-restraint on Vanessa and Rafael’s part not to burst through the door before now.  As she opened it, she was met with two anxious faces, and Rafael was chewing on his thumbnail. “Come on in,” she told them. “Lucy has some things she wants to tell you.”

 

“Okay,” Vanessa answered her, following Rafael into the room.  He quickly approached his daughter and scooped her up in his arms, hugging her fiercely and fighting his own tears.

 

“Daddy!  My daddy!” Lucy giggled and kissed his cheek.  “You wove me, wight, Daddy? Wots and wots!”

 

“Yes I do,” he replied, and took a deep breath.  “Livvy says you want to talk to me and mommy about some things.”  He carried her over to the sofa in Liv’s office and sat next to Vanessa.  Olivia pulled a chair close.

 

“Lucy, can you tell your mom and dad what Lola did?”

 

Lucy nodded.  “Papi, Wola spankeded me on my naked butt.  I no wike dat. I said ‘don’t spank my naked butt, Wola!’ And she stopped and said sorry.”  She stroked his cheeks, then added, “Are you mad, Papi? Do you still wove me? Wola said you won’t love her no more if I telled you.  I sorry we do something bad.”

 

Looking into her sweet face, Rafael’s heart hurt.  Despite his best effort, he felt the tears begin to fall.  “Mija, I’m not mad at you. And I will  _ always, always  _ love you, no matter what.  Mami and Papi will always love you, honey.”

 

“Then why you crying?  Is it very sad?”

 

Rafael sighed heavily, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.  “I’m very sad that Lola spanked you. That is not okay. I’m so sorry that happened to you, mija.”

 

Lucy wiped a tear from his cheek with her stubby fingers, then turned to Vanessa.  “Momma, you still wove me too?”

 

“Always, baby.  Always and forever.  But Daddy and I need you to tell us if anyone hits you...or hurts you...or touches any part of your body if it’s naked.”

 

“Otay, but Wivvy says no spanking, Momma.”  She sat up and shook her finger at Rafael. “No spanking, Papi!  Wivvy says so.”

 

“That’s not exactly what I said,” Liv interjected, but Rafael held up a hand.

 

“Lucy, Momma and Daddy will never spank your naked butt, okay?  I promise.”

 

Lucy wrinkled her forehead and looked back and forth from Rafael to Vanessa before finally sighing.  “But you still gonna spank me?”

 

Seeing the emotion on her husband’s face, Vanessa spoke up.  “Yep. If you are being dangerous and not listening to us.”

 

Lucy sighed.  “I guess I still gonna get some  then.”

 

Rafael pressed his forehead to hers, stifling a laugh.  “I guess you will.”

 

************************************************

They were lying in bed, facing each other and holding hands.  She found it incredibly soothing just lying here with him like this.  Knowing she wasn’t alone. Knowing he loved her.

 

“This day has sucked,” she said softly, stroking his head with her free hand.  “And tomorrow I meet with that federal ADA. I think we deserve a vacation.”

 

He chuckled softly, then his face returned to an expression of wariness.  “What do we do, Ness?” We brought her into our home. We left her unsupervised at times with our kids…”

 

Vanessa shook her head.  “I’m just so thankful we found out when we did.”  She swallowed hard. “I can’t help but think she was grooming them.  Both of them. Testing the boundaries to see what she could get away with.”

 

Rafael’s eyes closed and she watched his adam’s apple bob repeatedly.  “I love that kid. My heart is breaking for her. It’s so fucking unfair, Vanessa.  She’s brutally abused by her father, goes through hell trying to get away from him, and now is a slave to these criminal impulses that her father programmed her with.  And she’s all of eleven years old. What hope does she have? Especially now that she’ll be in a program with other kids who are predators?”

 

Vanessa lifted herself up on her elbows.  “Hey. Pine Crescent has one of the best rates of success for stuff like this in the country.  It’s quite possible that this is exactly what she needs.”

 

“You heard Jason...they probably won’t ever adopt her out to a family with kids--”

 

She nodded.  “And we need to be willing to let her go if it’s what is best for her.  She needs more than we can give her, honey. It isn’t a matter of love and stability.  Regardless of how she got it, Lola’s got some dangerous thinking and potential for hurting other people.  Especially kids.”

 

She rolled over onto her back and opened her arms for him.  Rafael rested his head against her breast and she kissed his hair.  “I just wish there was another way.”

 

Vanessa squeezed him tightly.  “Me too. But we should still be able to call, write, and visit.  Our relationship may change some, but it doesn’t need to disappear.” She brushed her lips over his cheek.  “I know, the rational, professional Dr. Rayden is talking with you now. Just know the real me is fucking freaking out inside.  The real me is terrified for Lola’s future, and so desperately thankful we found out when we did, before she molested one of our children, God forbid.”

 

He slid up the pillows so that he was eye level with her.  Using his thumbs, he brushed her tears away, then kissed her gently.  “I love you, honey. And we will be okay.”

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola and the family adjust to a new normal, Vanessa braces for a January trial, and the Barba family makes it through the holidays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such a long hiatus! I had been very unsure how I wanted to proceed with this story. The subject matter in this particular story has been harder to write about than I anticipated. Thank you to those of you who reached out and either kudo'd or sent me comments or messages--it meant the world to know that other people really cared about these characters as well as the story I was telling!!!
> 
> I'm anticipating one more chapter and an epilogue, but to be honest, as one of my writer friends says, sometimes these characters write themselves differently, haha! So we'll see.
> 
> I'm not sure if there will be any more parts to this series. Never say never, though.
> 
> And of course, your kudos and comments mean the world. Thanks so much for reading!

Lola tossed a seven of hearts on top of Vanessa’s five of spades, then scooped up both cards.  “I didn’t think you were coming to see me any more,” she said with a shrug, avoiding eye contact as she brought her knee up under her chin.

 

They were playing the card game War, and it felt like they were engaged in a somewhat emotional war as well today.

 

“I know things have been difficult for you lately,” Vanessa said gently, laying down the Jack of clubs.  “I had to leave town suddenly, and I didn’t have time to talk to you about it before I left. But even if I had been there, honey, you know that what you did would still have been wrong, and Rafael and I don’t decide where you live.  You made choices when you decided to touch other kids inappropriately.”

 

Lola tossed her cards down on the table angrily.  “I don’t want to play anymore.”

 

Vanessa sighed, then began to stack the cards back together.

 

“You ran away.”  Lola’s voice was angry, accusatory.  Vanessa had heard that tone before when the child had been angry with other people--mental health workers, counselors--but she’d never used it with  _ her. _   “You ran away ‘cause that guy made you have sex a long time ago.”  At Vanessa’s shocked expression, Lola continued. “I know all about it, Nessa.  You pretend like you’re all special and stuff and nobody has hurt you. But that guy hurt you and you never even told me.  You never tell me anything. You don’t let me live with you because I’m not as special as your precious babies, Max and Lucy.  You’d probably like me if Rafael was my dad. You’d probably love me then. But I had a stupid dumb fucker dad and I’m not cute like Lucy or smart like Max!”

 

“Lola.”  Vanessa shook her head.  “First, what happened to me isn’t something I talk about with  _ children. _   I don’t even know how you know about--”

 

“I have EARS, duh!” Lola kicked the table.  “I’m not stupid. I can hear when people TALK.”

 

Vanessa tried to ignore the implication that Lola had heard staff people talking about her assault.  “Second, you don’t live with us because you’ve had very stressful moments when you’ve stayed at our house, remember?  Remember when you threw the remote and broke the TV because Lucy was crying?”

 

“Lucy’s a brat!”  She crossed her arms.  “You shoulda slapped her.”

 

Vanessa stared at Lola across the table, long and hard, trying to figure out what to say next.  She had figured Lola would be angry, furious even. It had been close to two months since they’d seen each other, and Lola had been moved from Belle Isle.  Vanessa had been gone, and then there had been a mandatory “adjustment” period at Lola’s new placement, which didn’t allow for visitors. As it was, she and Rafael were only allowed visitation because they had requested it through the court.  Judge Linden had made sure they understood that the only reason they had been approved was because they had a consistent history of visitation and a positive relationship with Lola in the past. Hearing the judge’s concern over Lola’s current situation had opened up a difficult conversation at home.  “I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable with the idea of adoption again,” Rafael had confided one night in a whisper, almost as if ashamed, and Vanessa held him, feeling the occasional tear against her shoulder. She knew her husband loved this child nearly as much as their own. He had embraced her in every way he could, and to know Lola was now capable of predatory behavior had been heartbreaking for him.  She was reminded of how Rafael’s father had frequently abused him, yet she rarely heard Rafa raise his voice to their kids, and had never heard an abusive word leave his mouth toward any of them. She knew he was trying to figure out what made one victim become compassionate and another become abusive. She had no answer for him. And she’d looked.

 

Maintaining her focus on Lola’s face, she leaned forward.  “I don’t hit children. I don’t hit people, period, if I can avoid it.  I love you and I know it has been too long since we have seen each other.  I’m very sorry for my part in that, honey. But I also could not see you because of the choices YOU made.”

 

Lola’s face was red and she let out a heavy breath.  “I only did it so he’d be my friend. He liked me and nobody else liked me.  People only like you if you do that. People only like ME if I do that.”

 

“I like you,” Vanessa countered.  “I love you, and I will never do that to you.  Neither will Rafa. And you know that, Lola. You know we love you and will never hurt you.”

 

She watched as the tears rolled down the child’s face, and Vanessa was suddenly struck with the reminder of how very much Lola was still a little girl.  A very needy, very lonely little girl, and her heart ached.

 

“I missed you, Nessie.”  Lola rubbed the palm of her hand across her cheek, wiping away tears and snot.  “I missed you so much. And my mom. I miss her every--” her voice broke”--every day…”

 

Vanessa moved quickly to a seat across the table, next to Lola, and quickly enveloped her in a hug.  “I know you do, sweetheart,” she murmured, squeezing her tightly, as Lola pressed her forehead to Vanessa’s neck and cried.  “I know. I miss my mom too. It’s so hard to lose a mom.”

 

**************************************

 

“Ta-dah!”  Lucy ran up to Carmen’s desk.  “See? I YOU, Carmen! I be you for Halloween!”

 

Max shook his head, glancing at his mom.  “She’s crazy. She doesn’t look like Carmen at ALL.  Plus you’re supposed to be something  _ cool. _ ”

 

Vanessa scowled as Carmen laughed.  “Hey, buddy,” Carmen teased, “I’ll have you know I am the coolest in this building.  Just ask your stepdad.” She held up a hand to Lucy. “Hi five!” she told the little girl, and Lucy jumped up and slapped her hand.  Leaning in, she added, “And I think you look SUPER cool.” Carmen dumped a handful of candy into each kid’s bucket, then turned her attention to Vanessa.  “He should be here any minute. Called and said he was running late with Calhoun.”

 

“Excellent.  You like the preschooler’s interpretation of you?”

 

“With the earrings, bracelets, furry boots, and lipstick?  Of course! I’m ready to go from day to evening any minute!”  She laughed heartily and winked at Vanessa. “A day in the courthouse and a night on the corner!”

 

Vanessa snorted.  “Now you sound like my husband.  That’s what HE said.”

 

Lucy was already tearing down the hallway, screeching to her father who had just stepped off the elevator.  “PAPI! I’se CARMEN!”

 

Max looked up at Vanessa.  “Why does everyone think her costume’s so great?” he grumbled.  “Mine’s better. Everyone knows I’m Iron Man.” He fiddled with his store-bought gloves.  “Mine is really good.”

 

“Of course it is, Max,” Carmen confirmed for him.  “Your sister is little, and she had a funny idea, and we all thought it was cute.  You’re older, and you had a smart idea.” Vanessa was reminded of how Lola had said Lucy was cute and Max was smart, and for a moment she wondered what Lola was doing tonight. “Watch out.” Carmen interrupted her thoughts, and Vanessa stepped out of the way.  Carmen grabbed another piece of candy and held it out to Max. “Heads up.” He tilted his bucket and she tossed it in.

 

“Hey,” Rafael greeted Vanessa, kissing her on the cheek and carrying Lucy.  “Give me a minute to change and I’ll be ready.”

 

“Sure thing,” she responded, taking Lucy from him.  After nodding to Carmen, he headed into the office and shut the door.

 

***************************************

 

“Jesus,” he sighed, relaxing on his back.  “I love sex with my wife, but the one time a year I get laid by Wonder Woman honestly gets better every time.”

 

She pinched his side.  “Well, that’s because your pirate brought his A game this year.  Remember that first time when you tried to go to our Halloween party in your pink polo shirt and jeans? At least I could say you were colorful, I guess.”

 

He chuckled.  “You could say something, I’m sure.”  He turned his head toward her, then stroked her cheek.  “I love you, you know.”

 

She smiled easily.  “So I’ve heard. It’s mutual.”

 

He sighed softly.  “Are you worried about the holidays?  With the trial in January and the changes with Lola?”

 

She shook her head.  “No. I want to focus on our family.  And you and I are smart enough to find ways to continue to build a positive relationship with Lola.  Even if we have to recognize her adoption isn’t on the table for us.” She took his hand and squeezed it, then kissed his knuckles.  “January will get here without me focusing on it.”

 

“One way or another, huh?” He kissed her forehead, then wrapped his arms around her.

 

**************************************

“Abuelita sent chocolate chip cookies for you,” Rafael told Lola as he handed her a small container.  “She remembered you don’t like pumpkin.”

 

Lola smiled and took another bite of mashed potatoes.  “That was nice of her. I like Abuelita. She was always nice to me.”  Suddenly she frowned, glancing from Rafael to Vanessa and back again. “Does she know what I did?”

 

He nodded.  “No secrets, remember?  She’s my mother, and I needed to tell her why you wouldn’t be living with us, and why Lucy needed to stay with her today.”  He sat in a chair next to Lola. “Did you have a good day, otherwise?”

 

She shrugged.  “Okay I guess. They gave us turkey.  And we had a party with some games and stuff.”

 

“We didn’t play any games,” Vanessa told her.  “Just dinner with Abuelita and the three of us.  Max was with Bobby.”

 

Lola took a bite of the black beans and rice on her plate.  “I missed you guys today. ‘Member last year when we had Thanksgiving at Abuelita’s?  And Lucy accidentally spilled the water everywhere?” She started to laugh. “And then Rafa said she was a little turkey and everybody laughed?  And Max and me stuck those feathers on her diaper?” They all chuckled together. “That was pretty funny,” Lola added.  

 

“Yeah, you guys were pretty funny,” Vanessa mused.  “And she kept saying, ‘my feh-vers, my feh-vers.”

 

“Yeah, funny until she wanted to keep the diaper!”  Rafael snorted. “You two forget THAT part.”

 

They were all laughing again, and Lola stood to throw out her plate.  When she sat back down, she opened the cookies and offered the container to Vanessa.  “You want one?”

 

Vanessa shook her head.  “No, sweetie. They’re for you.  Abuelita wanted us to be sure that you got them all.”

 

Lola turned to Rafael.  “Is that true, really?”

 

He nodded.  “Yep. So true she gave the container to Vanessa so I couldn’t eat any, and neither could Lucy.”

 

Lola smiled and took a bite, chewing slowly.  After a couple quiet moments, she said, “Will I ever see her again?”

 

“Who? Abuelita?” Rafael asked, and Lola nodded.  “Of course you will. It just takes time for everyone to know that it’s okay for you to visit places, to leave here…”

 

Lola laid the cookie on her napkin, and her eyes fell to her hands.  After another moment, she quietly said, “But I can’t see Max and Lucy, or other kids, right?  I’m not allowed.”

 

Vanessa and Rafael’s eyes met, and Vanessa nodded at him.  “Not for a long time,” he said as matter-of-factly as he could.  “You’re right. You’re not allowed to be around younger children.”

 

Her eyes met his.  “But if I was allowed, you’d say no, right?”

 

Feeling his heart breaking, he steadied his voice and his gaze.  “Right. I would say no. I won’t allow you to hurt Max or Lucy.”

 

He watched as Lola exhaled heavily, still looking at him, and nodded her head.  Then she picked up her cookie and took another bite, and he felt Vanessa squeeze his hand.

 

******************************************

 

“I think this is the rest of them,” Rafael said softly as he approached the Christmas tree, arms full of wrapped packages.  She helped him distribute them around the tree before he collapsed on the sofa. “Pass me those cookies.”

 

She handed him the plate Max and Lucy had left by the tree.  “You might want to go easy,” she forewarned him, “there’s a lot left for tomorrow.”

 

“Okay, Mom.”  He held one out to her.  “Want it?”

 

She snorted.  “Of course I do.  I also want to make it through the night without a stomachache.”

 

“Hah.”  He nibbled on the cookie, then motioned toward the tree.  “Guess we’re not getting busy under the tree this year. I’m kind of sad about that.”

 

She hummed.  “Me too, but we have an almost seven-year old sleeping in his room right now who could pop out here any minute, and that’s not something I want to explain, especially at Christmas…”

 

He grinned.  “I saw mommy riding Santa Claus?”

 

“He’d be scarred for life.”

 

“Probably.”  He glanced at her, taking her in.  She’d changed since October. More relaxed, he thought, more at home in her own skin again, more like the Vanessa he knew like the back of his hand.  Her face was soft in the firelight, and she was smiling. “What if we move this party to the bedroom? Are you too tired for tradition? Not under a tree, but I still have something special for you.”

 

She laughed.  “Do you mean a present or in your pants?”  Seeing his mouth fall open, she shook her head.  “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. I’m ready for whatever you have for me.”

 

His mouth resolved itself into a smirk.  “You of all people should know by now that I always have a present in my pants for you.  It’s the gift that keeps giving.”

 

“You’re so tacky.  That’s like saying I keep your favorite suckers in my bra.”  She snorted again. “You’re so lucky that I love you and find you sexually appealing.”  She moved into his lap, straddling him and stroking his temples. “We’ve got about three hours before these heathens are up and screaming for Santa.  Are you sure you don’t want your something special to wait until tomorrow night, when Max is with Bobby and Lucy’s passed out from the sugar and excitement?  Maybe we can even leave her at your mom’s.”

 

He ran his hands down her back to her ass, squeezing gently.  “Practicality speaks. I love you. One more cookie and I’ll meet you in the bed--just leave me enough of the covers, please.”

 

“Sounds like a Christmas wish.  I’ll see what I can do.”

 

*****************************************

“You know, I have approximately thirty-seven minutes left before we can leave and I can strip you out of that henley and those fucking jeans.  I’m gonna make this a night to remember.”

 

She was breathing in his ear, in a corner of Liv’s apartment as other people milled around.  He could feel her body pressed against his from behind, one of her breasts in his back and a hand tucked into one of his back pockets.  She was slowly rubbing and squeezing his ass, and he was willing his resulting stiffness away. It had been a busy week and with the exception of a quiet, quick lay on Christmas night, they hadn’t had any time for sex.  Until tonight. And he must be an idiot, he thought now, because she had suggested they stay home. But he had insisted they hadn’t seen their friends socially in awhile, and they had told Liv they’d be there, and they needed to show up.

 

He was in her favorite jeans, the ones she said framed his ass perfectly, and a henley that had made her stare even in front of Lucy, until Lucy had said, “Momma, I over here!  Hewwoooooo….?”

 

“Yeah, I hear you,” his wife had answered their daughter slowly.  “I’m just looking at Papi’s shirt. He looks very...handsome tonight.”

 

Now he turned toward her, forcing her hand out of his back pocket.  She took a step back but smiled alluringly. She smelled like a cross between flowers and musk, and he could see her hardened nipples under her cream-colored blouse.  “Thirty-seven minutes and counting,” he told her, then pressed his lips against hers. Turning to the room, he tapped a fork against his wine glass. “Excuse me,” he said loudly, clearly, and watched the smile disappear from her face and her eyes roll.

 

“God help me,” she muttered, and he caught her arm before she could move away. 

 

The room quieted, and after a moment of scanning, he realized he had everyone’s attention.  “I realize this night is special for most of us in welcoming in a new year, but it’s a particularly special night for me.  Three years ago, this amazing woman stood on a beach in North Carolina and vowed to be my wife. To love me for better or worse, and to move forward with me, wherever life took us.”  He turned toward Vanessa, smiling, and he could see an embarrassed blush flushing her cheeks; her eyes, however, shone with affection. “You never got the formal wedding we talked about,” he said now, taking her hand in his, “so I wanted to say, in front of all of our friends, what I would have said there--that you’re my partner, my best friend, my person.  That I love you more today than I did that night three years ago. That what we have built and are building together is my highest priority, and I don’t ever want you to question that. Every morning, when we get up, we choose each other again. Ness, I choose you to be my partner every day, consciously and purposely. You’re the one, the only one, I want to be with.  We’ve had a rough year, but at the end of it, there is nobody else I would want to do life with, and there’s no other life I’d choose.” He brushed a stray hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear and wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “I just needed to say that tonight.” He raised his glass. “To my beautiful wife, and a marriage that has made me happier than I ever imagined.”

 

Through tears, she raised her glass and clinked it with his.  “To us,” she responded, grinning, and as they sipped and kissed, they heard their friends toasting and clinking as well.

 

Pulling back slightly from her mouth, he said, “I believe you were saying something funny about making this a night to remember…”

 

“Shut up.”

 

********************************

He awoke feeling the best kind of sore.

 

He didn’t need to look in the mirror to know he was covered in tiny bruises and bites, the result of hours of lovemaking.  It had been awhile since they had taken their time like that, spent so much time focused on tasting and touching and gazing.  Three years of marriage and five years together, and he still couldn’t get enough. He didn’t think he ever would.

 

He ran a palm over her forearm until he was spooned back around her, and he heard and felt her sigh.  She picked up his hand and kissed it. “Good morning,” she murmured, still facing the wall. “You choosing me yet?”

 

He smiled crookedly to himself and kissed her shoulder, remembering his speech last night.  “Yep. Already done. I made that choice early this morning.”

 

“I thought so,” she laughed softly.  “I think you were praying…’oh God, Ness…’ ”

 

He pressed another kiss to her neck.  “You would be correct.” He rested his face in her hair, shifting his body even closer.  “I love you. I love you more than I can say.”

 

They lay quietly then, until she murmured, “It’s January, you know.”

 

He exhaled heavily.  “Yeah. But eventually it will be February, and the trial will be over.  And we will still be here, raising our kids, growing our marriage, and choosing each other.”  He kissed her ear gently. “Loving each other. It’s what we do.”

 

“I love you, Rafa,” she told him then.

 

He closed his eyes and smiled against her skin.  “And we’re going to be okay.”


End file.
